Pan's Training

[Ols]

"It's good you recognise it," she said, "it will grow as we experience more. And I think it is stronger than you think already. Now, I'd like you to tell me about yourself."

 

[Joker]

"About myself?" Pan was a little surprised but didn't let it show. "I was born on Cathar. Well, obviously." He looked down at his hands. "It is a beautiful world, from what I remember. I don't remember my parents very clearly but I have been told they are good people. A Jedi discovered me when I was... four? Five? And I have been here ever since. The Jedi have made me who I am. I am very proud of it and consider myself quite fortunate."

 

[Ols]

She listened, "and did you choose to become a Jedi?"

 

[Joker]

"I... Well sort of." Pan shrugged. "It was more my parent's choice than mine but I didn't object. It made my father happy so I was happy. If that makes sense."

 

[Ols]

"It does," she said, "have you ever regretted it?"

 

[Joker]

"Sometimes, when I was younger." Pan responded. "As a child I occasionally got homesick but I have made my peace with it."

 

[Ols]

That was it, she thought, that was the unbalance she felt in him. She should not be too hasty, though, "is there anything else in your life that has caused you such sadness, or anger?"

 

[Joker]

Pan thought about it and shook his head. "No... Well... I do get angry. It's my nature, my instinct. Aggression. I can't ever seem to entirely overcome it and it is frustrating."

 

[Ols]

And there was his underlying anger. He had been very open about it, but then again, Corina was there to help him, so he should feel free to speak in her prescence.

"You must learn to control your anger," she said, "meditate. And as you drift, tell me, what makes you angry?"

 

[Joker]

"I know Master. I work at it every day." Pan closed his eyes and slipped away into the Force. "Everything.... And nothing. I have always worked twice as hard as the other younglings and yet I still feel twice as inadequate. I feel different. Separated. Lonely."

 

[Ols]

She listened, "why do you feel so? Is it your species, or your ability? Because neither let you down, I promise."

 

[Joker]

"Both, maybe. I suppose it is silly, Master."

 

[Ols]

"No," she said, "it's not silly. Just unfounded. I came to the order later than most of the apprentices I learnt with. For years I was the oldest in my class, constantly being beaten by the younger students. But then my master took me on, and he taught me very well to let go of such things. Looks and opinions count for little," she paused, "it is what we do that makes us who we are"

 

[Joker]

"Ah, but do we do what we do because we chose to or because are destined to? Genetically predisposed to behave in a certain way? Force bound to a certain path?" Pan smiled. "I suppose I must learn to let it go, as you did."

 

[Ols]

She smirked and said, "you're sounding like a master," she paused, "hold your horses and we'll discuss the nature of the Force. Do you think it binds us to a path, or simply advises us on a path?"

 

[Joker]

Pan couldn't help but laugh before focusing seriously on the question. "I think the Force is merely a guide, Master. But I am biased. I would like to believe that the only one in control of my life is myself."

 

[Ols]

"That's not biased," she said, "because the Force does not really control us. When you consider an event, each slight difference in your decision could alter the outcome hugely. The Force will advise you to make the choice that suits it," she paused, "but whether the light side of the dark side is the power of those incontrol, the Force does not have an opinion. It's not a living entity. Do you understand?"

 

[Joker]

"I understand, Master. The Force is neither bad nor good, it just is and how it is, is how ever we make it."

 

[Ols]

"Indeed," she said, and to cement his understanding, she gave an example, "I know this is true, because I was not sought out by the Jedi originally. I was a slave girl, when I was younger, and a Jedi saved my life. It was the intent of the Force that I live, and that the Jedi cross my path, but I chose to find the Jedi. I could have followed any easier path, become a bounty hunter, a high class dancer, but no. I wanted to be a Jedi. I sought them out and they accepted me."

 

[Joker]

"A slave girl." So that was what he had felt earlier. That such evils remained in the galaxy was enraging but it was an issue neither here nor there so he tried not to think about it for the time being. "So the Force showed you the way... But you didn't necessarily have to take that path."