Ask Ajan Kloss Spiral

[Ezekiel Nier]

Ezekiel sat on top of the tallest building of the Jedi Temple on Ajan Kloss, just staring out over the jungle with his remaining eye. The other, along with his vocal cords, had been slashed during his recent mission to Yavin to help build a Temple there as well. He came face to face with the Dark Side again, just like on Lothal...This time, it hadn't been a test, and had nearly killed him. This was all starting to become too much, his anchor in the form of logic and science beginning to shatter and leave him completely adrift. He'd been alone for all his life, his parents...The less he thought of them and their neglectful ways, the better. It was his own problem he was too shy to reach out to others, the fear of failure or being rejected freezing him every time he tried. He would have lost it all if he hadn't dived into his studies, using the surety of science and reason as a way to keep from losing everything he was and just...well, ending things. Ever since the Force had entered his life, though, that had changed. He desperately tried to find the same surety in the mysterious power, but everything about it defied what he knew. He was no closer to discovering the secrets of it needed to gain that sense of understanding, so he had started to fray at the edges of his mind trying to do so.

Now, it had almost become too much. He didn't have to worry about talking anymore, the fact that he'd lost his vocal cords meant he wouldn't be able to anyway. He'd been damn lucky that slash hadn't cut his windpipe or his artery. He was also lucky his other eye hadn't been taken, the claw having stopped just below it. He had scars on his face, chest, and side from where the apparition had tried to skin him to break him in fear, though in a twisted way Ezekiel's despair had prevented that, even leading to him tapping into the Force after finding a hint of serenity in his choice to be a sacrifice. Was that what his path should be? The thing he was searching for, his purpose for existing, was it to take in the pain of others so that he could give them light and peace in return? Part of him was very disgruntled at this thought, but he couldn't deny what had happened. He didn't know what to do, so he let his mind race as he looked over his current home. How much longer it would be so, though, he didn't know.

@Killa Ree @Nefieslab

 

[Maxims Tionson]

Ezekiel had been through the wringer recently and Max was nothing if not a decent shoulder to cry on. He was also someone who refused to leave someone in pain so that was a point too. Finding Ezekiel was a little bit of a chore actually - he locked onto the young man in the Force and he followed that feeling but got into a little bit of trouble when he couldn't find him on any of the lower levels until he reasoned he was higher up.

Admittedly there was a small part of him that was concerned the young man may have sought out such a high point of the Temple for a reason far from benign.

Finding him just up on one of the towers sitting in silence, Max moved up and sat down beside the young cat man for a moment but he let the silence continue. The loss of his voice was recent and Max didn't want to seem insensitive by just starting up some kind of dialogue which would, be default, become a monologue.

No one liked a monologue.

Instead he sat down beside the young Padawan and reached out to him in the Force. It wasn't anything concrete, just a general feeling of his own presence in the Force being with him.

@Insalius @Killa Ree

 

[Nashyr Ris]

Just like Max, Nashyr was drawn here for a reason. She couldn't exactly explain it, but... with Ez's silence, and the traumas he endured, he had to feel unmoored and lost in many ways. She could understand... right now, she was a bit uncertain herself. As of late, she felt herself thinking of one Jedi in particular, and the many emotions that complicated those thoughts, and only got worse with time.

When she made it to where she felt the strongest pull, she found them both. Slowly, she walked over, and placed her hand gently on the fellow Cathar's shoulder. She gave him a warm smile, greenish-gold eyes glinting in the wash of light.

"Hey, kiddo," she said gently, removing her hand from his shoulder. Perhaps he wanted distance, but if he did, he shouldn't have been on the same planet as her. She couldn't explain it... but she wanted to protect him somehow, and she felt some responsibility for his pain. Even though she knew now he couldn't talk... she wanted to help him in some way. For now, she was simply there.

Right where she needed to be.

@Nefieslab @Insalius

 

[Ezekiel Nier]

Had he been calling out to them? Or had it just been that the Force knew that Ezekiel needed someone, that the void in his heart and the pain he was feeling needed something more than anything he could provide himself? Whatever the reason was, at first he was glad that they had come. For once, he didn't try to slide away from either of them, didn't flinch when he was touched. Perhaps he was too tired to do so, a weariness that reached down to his soul. Part of him wanted to believe that he was finally getting over his shyness. When Max reached out with the Force, though, something happened that the Cathar didn't expect.

Not as skilled at using the Force, when he tried to reach out to the two using it he brought along more than the feeling of gratitude of not being alone. Everything he had been feeling spilled forth as well: His non-existent self-esteem from neglectful parents and home, His fear of being alone, his anger at himself for not being able to try to fix himself, the pain from what he'd been through recently, and the anxiety of being unable to find any place for himself anywhere. Not even here, with the Jedi. As more happened, the more he was feeling he didn't belong here, even with his powers over the Force. He seemed to be involved with things that caused problems for others, so he viewed himself as more a burden than help. He tried to pull it back when it all came out, not wanting to force these two away due to his problems, like how it had done before back at home.

@Nefieslab @Killa Ree

 

[Maxims Tionson]

Ah.

Reaching out to someone with the Force was usually nothing more than a comforting gesture but the outpooring of emotions and thoughts from Ezekiel was a deluge. It was something to be weathered according to some of the older teachings of the Jedi but in Max's mind it was something to be addressed. In light of the newer teachings of the Order, there was nothing to be gained by ignoring or suppressing emotions.

Especially ones like these.

Reaching out physically, he grasped Ezekiel's free shoulder as he reached out with the Force and pushed forwards with it. A sense of welcoming acceptance would flood into Ezekiel, filling the gaps that had been temporarily formed by the outpouring of his anguish. Max smiled softly.

"Let it out." he urged the young Cathar, "Feel it... release it... accept it... and move forwards. We are not what we were and seldom are what we fear we are."

@Killa Ree @Insalius

 

[Nashyr Ris]

The deluge of emotions almost made her stumble back; she took the younger Cathar's other shoulder, feeling it fill her, finding kinship with so many of these emotions. She could feel the loneliness, the ache of being the burden, of not measuring or causing harm... and she lightly squeezed, kneeling down to his level and putting her head on his shoulder.

"It's okay, Ez," she spoke gently, giving her fellow Padawan a gentle, worn smile. "You're not alone, you never have been. We're here, beyond anything. Believe it, kiddo; you're stuck with us." She knew the maelstrom was not directed at her, but towards Max, but she wasn't going to let any of them feel anything alone.

They were her family now. And she was driven to help, protect, and heal... because in this galaxy, she wanted him to become proud of his strengths, and to see it.

She just didn't have the right words... but she had the right feelings to give him. Warmth, joy, compassion. All of these, and so much more.

@Nefieslab @Insalius

 

[Ezekiel Nier]

It was as much Nash's words as Max's own that resonated with Ezekiel, the fact they hadn't run and left him alone despite knowing how weak and worthless he was being so different from anyone he'd tried to become friends with, even his parents. He'd kept everything bottled up, not wanting his sadness or anything else to cause problems for others. Was it really okay, just to let it out? It wouldn't push them away this time? He didn't trust how he felt...but he trusted in them, Max and Nash hadn't done anything to hurt him, only believe in him. That truth finally hit him, something he'd tried to not face, not believing it.

He started to shake with silent sobs, mouth open and eyes screwed shut as he finally let the tears flow. If he could speak, he'd be screaming out into the night, yet not a sound came. He also let it all flow out through the Force, too, not holding a bit of it back like he had last time. If they wanted, the two would feel everything he had and the circumstances that had created them. He wouldn't have any secrets anymore, try not to hold anything back. Maybe he might be worth something after all, if these two didn't run.

@Killa Ree @Nefieslab

 

[Maxims Tionson]

The shell cracked.

The seawall was breached.

And everything flowed out as Ezekiel allowed himself to full feel what he had been walling up inside of him. Bottling things up like this wasn't healthy but this almost explosive outpouring of emotion was the only way to reset it as it were. Ezekiel needed to be drained before he started to accept the true methods for moderating and accepting emotions in the Jedi way because otherwise it would always be tainted by the pain he hadn't known how to deal with before.

"Like drawing poison from a wound, just let it all out." he urged Ezekiel as he reached out with his other hand to gently massage the Cathar's head behind his sensitive ears as he held him close, almost hugging the padawan, "We're here and we're not going away. We'll get all of this out and then, when you feel empty, we'll fill you back up with what you need and I'll teach you how to keep that poison from building back up again."

He grinned.

"And Nashyr will help - even if she's a little bit impulsive."

@Killa Ree @Insalius

 

[Nashyr Ris]

She didn't answer; she just sat there, head on Ez's shoulder, gazing out. It's beautiful out here … she admitted almost grudgingly. The rustic look wasn't usually her thing... but the slowly setting sun made a backdrop fit for any place of worship. This was just... a different way to worship something living, and flowing through all of them, connecting. She could feel the silent screams from within Ez, and she simply remained, eyes closed just for a moment or two.

When he would settle, she wordlessly would grab out a square of synthweave and hold it out for him. These overwhelming feelings that tremored in the Force almost made her reel away, but she stayed on, simply waiting. A small tear of her own threatened to break free, but she blinked it away, exhaling.

"It's fine, kid," she finally spoke, rubbing his shoulders. "You've got people who have faith in you here. Just let it all out."

Somehow, she wasn't certain... but that felt like enough to say for now.

@Nefieslab @Insalius

 

[Ezekiel Nier]

It took some time for it to get all out, past when he had run out of tears, but Eventually Ezekiel calmed down. He felt...empty, after it was all gone, which was a new feeling. It was nicer than having everything bottled up, that was for sure. If anything, he felt a bit more peaceful without all the roiling emotions tearing at him. He took some deep breaths, wiping his eyes as he looked out over the jungle. Somehow, he hadn't pushed these two away. That was weird for him, he didn't know exactly what to do now. If he still had his voice, he might have tried to talk...that wouldn't be an option, now. He didn't know if there was any way to cure that problem, or get some kind of prosthetic or tool, but he'd have to look into that later.

For now, he tried to used the Force, pushing aside his fear of the unknown power as much as he could, to send out a question to the other two: What was he supposed to do? He still felt like he didn't have a place, a purpose, and that was part of what caused him the most pain and worry. Without a voice, without the ability to fight, what use could he be? He couldn't even use the Force like how Nash or Max could.

@Killa Ree @Nefieslab