Ask I'm Thinking of Ending Things

[Juniper]

It had been quite some time since she'd been on Yavin IV. Not that she'd had a choice about the matter, that was the only place that the Order really had left after Ajan Kloss. After Sullust. After... well, everything. Whatever Jedi were left had gathered there to hear what would happen next. Master Oren had already laid out some of the plans in the meeting. Nara hadn't been there but sure enough, she'd heard what he'd said.

Hannibal will be great on the Council. As will whoever makes it there next *coughMaxcough*.

She sat on the edge of a box, watching the flurry of activity outside. More and more Jedi were arriving to help out. Whatever they'd managed to salvage from Ajan Kloss was starting to trickle in too. Nara briefly wondered about that little patch of swamp and forest, where she'd learned to run up trees and attempted to raise Or... her ship from the muck. Probably just a fiery patch now. Shame. She'd liked it there.

She hadn't been at the meeting and she hadn't really wanted to be. She knew all too well what those meetings were like and she didn't know if she had it in her to face another one. The doubts and apprehensions that'd been bubbling away for years had come for her. First slowly, then all at once. She'd kind of already made her decision before Sullust. Events certainly hadn't done anything to change it since then.

So, when things had appeared to calm a little and the first meeting had been done, she sent a message to the two leaders in the Order that she respected. The two people in-charge that she owed an explanation to.

To: Councillor Zapan, Councillor Grayza

I would like to meet you shortly to discuss something. It won't take long, I promise.
Nara.

And so she sat, trying to ignore the irritating itch underneath the bandage on her cheek. Staring outside as she wondered how exactly she was going to explain this.

@TWD26 @Mr. Teatime

 

[Oren Zapan]

Oren had been so busy since the days of his knighthood, it seemed like decades had passed since the day Oren had showed Nara the statues of Grand Master Rey Skywalker on Ajan Kloss, to the day she tried to steal the Centennial Convor and ended up wrecking it in the swamps. The galaxy had seemed far simpler back then, the missions were easy going and the only vague threat was rumblings from the distant unknowns.

It was ignorance for sure, but Oren still looked back on them fondly. With his duties pulling him from place to place it had been a long while since he had seen or talked to Nara -- he was to blame for this. When he had gotten the message, Oren knew that something had to be going on, he had learned that she was on Sullust; perhaps it had to deal with this, deal with her path as a Jedi?

Perhaps she wished to leave the Order, it had always been a thought from the very first day the two had met. Whatever it was she needed, Oren would be there to make it possible. She was like a daughter to him, and in the end he wanted her to be happy. So, he and Master Grayza sat in the council chambers, awaiting her entrance.

tag: @Charndley @Mr. Teatime

 

[Hannibal Grayza]

A Jedi's work is never done. Hannibal was fairly sure he'd been thinking that a lot the last few days and was probably repeating himself, but whatever. What mattered at the was that Nara wanted to talk to them, something that damn near never happened. It was probably important.

He looked at Nara less like a daughter and more like a smart-mouthed niece, but he liked her all the same. For all her fire she cared for and helped others where she could. He could ask for little else from any Jedi. He'd helped guide her training while Oren was indisposed and she'd made him proud despite her complaints.

So there he found himself, sat next to Oren in the Council chambers. He still had no inclination to sit straight, lounging almost sideways in his chair away from the other Master and slowly burning through a cigarra away from the watchful eyes of his healer. Whatever Nara had to say he'd listen, and offer his own sort of advice. No matter her own path, it was hers to walk. She was in charge of her own destiny. Hannibal only hoped she walked it well.

@TWD26 @Charndley

 

[Juniper]

When Nara finally felt ready, she decided it was time. Though it might've been slightly amusing to keep the two of them waiting all day for her, she didn't want to burn bridges quite that much. Besides, there was a sense of drama in what she was doing that felt appropriate. She could write it in a message, but it didn't feel as personal as it should be... and like she'd thought earlier, these were two people more than any other in the Galaxy who needed to be told properly.

She stepped into the council chambers, feeling a little dwarfed by them. Big, important decisions were going to be made her, and made pretty soon. It was a strange place though, along with the planet. Just as alive as Ajan Kloss had been, but in different ways. Different noises, different feelings. The stones of the temple felt different beneath her feet. Maybe that'd been the final straw?

She approached the two councillors, giving both of them a smile. The two that'd trained her. One was practically her father. The other was... a fun uncle that taught you how to do pull-ups in the pouring rain. She did something that she never really did before. She bowed to them both.

"Congratulations, Councillor," she said first to Hannibal, "I'm sure you'll be brilliant." With that, she turned to Oren. Councillor Oren. Master Oren. Nara took a breath.

"Thanks for making some time for me. I know you're both incredibly busy and I don't want to take up too much. But I thought I needed to let you both know this in person."

Three... two... one...

"I've decided to leave the Order, with immediate effect."

Her heart thudded against her chest as the words left her mouth. No going back now. She took a nervous breath before holding her head up high.

"And... I wanted you both to know that it's nothing to do with any decisions that've been made recently or any changes that you've made... it's just something that I've come to now," she partially lied, "something I've been thinking about for a while."

@TWD26 @Mr. Teatime

 

[Oren Zapan]

Oren would offer a dip of his head to Nara as she entered. He could feel the emotions and the anxiety of her choice through the force, each ripple from the pond of her conscious had been caused by the stone that was Ajan Kloss. Oren would cross his arms as he sat there for a moment, taking it in. I suppose I know what she's going to say, It is something I have battled with in private for a long time.

He watched her as she began to speak, the minor hesitation to her voice, it was evident to him that there was something wrong. "I sense a disturbance in you, something plagues your thoughts." Oren would lean in, dropping the formality of his council image, "When you first came to the order, I had a fear that you would leave, that you would fall to the darkside. It ate at me, and plagued my thoughts -- how long ago that was, things have changed much since then."

Oren would lean back in his seat, "I take the blame for allowing our relationship to drift, duties are no excuse for allowing that to happen. You have helped me greatly Nara, you taught me what every Master must learn -- to learn to let go of that in which we do not control. My fears I projected to you, were simply my own. I have always believed in you, and will continue to believe in you, even when you leave these grounds. I know you'll do good things."

The words hurt to say, he could feel the pain in his voice, the thoughts of their many days together came to him. There is nothing to fear, this is not a final goodbye. Remember the good times, accept it.. Let go of all you fear to lose.

His thoughts lingered through the force before he took a deep breath, "If this is what you wish to truly do, I will accept it. But, I do ask one thing. Share your thoughts on why you felt lead you to this choice. Is it personal or is it something the Order did. We wish to not repeat the mistakes of the past, if there is something we can correct to keep you with us, both myself and Master Grayza will see to it."

Tag: @Mr. Teatime @Charndley

 

[Hannibal Grayza]

From his awkwardly lounged seating position Hannibal half turned to look at Nara, noting the bow. Yeah, this was going to be important. She went through several formalities, including a bit of congratulations he nodded in response to, before she said what she'd come to say and, for a moment, Hannibal's left brow rose. He had a common saying, a sort of general rule he followed in his line of work. People lie, but the Force never does.

Something in what she said felt off, but he sort of shrugged it off as Oren spoke. The other Councilor was... Preachy, was the word that came to mind. He couldn't exactly tell if it was an apology or martyrdom, but to each their own he supposed. Maybe it just wasn't his style, but this seemed to be about Nara, not Oren's introspection. To Hannibal's mind if Nara had come to a decision, it should be listened to and respected. On that at least the two Masters would agree. He hoped.


"Ditch the formalities, Nara, speak your mind. You're not on trial here. We'll still be proud of you and this Council will accept your decision. We'd just like to know what's up, y'know? If you don't mind talking about it, natch."

@Charndley @TWD26

 

[Juniper]

Nara looked at both of the Masters, both of her Masters. When she'd played this moment through in her head beforehand, when she'd rehearsed what she was going to say, she imagined the reaction would be muted. A nod, an 'I understand' and away she went. Instead, they asked questions and sounded concerned. That'd lead to doubt and then she might question why exactly she thought it was a good idea to run away from the only thing she'd known for years.

"I..." she started to say, shuffling her feet a little more. "I... um..." she flustered, uncharacteristically having nothing to say. The reasons behind the decision swirled in and out of focus, just out of reach. It seemed like an incredibly stupid decision. It also seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

"I rushed into a lot of things for reasons that were... not wrong but not well thought out either. I spoke up for the Guardian stuff because Kor... Master Tallis is my friend and people weren't listening to what she had to say. Not without a lot of sneering. I helped out with what I could and we made mistakes. We did. And maybe I've just come to realise that throwing myself behind fighting people is something I shouldn't be doing. Turns out, I'm not very good at fighting people. Well, without screaming and shouting anyway."

"I... don't know where I belong in this Order. Things are changing fast, getting much more serious and there are times that I wonder what I'm doing here. Things haven't been right for a while, Ajan Kloss and Sullust just felt like... one blaster shot too many, I guess. Can't help but wonder if it's going to be me next time."

Fear. Real fear that she hadn't really felt in years. Not since she was a kid. Certainly not since she'd become a Jedi.

"I'd ask... if there was anywhere else I could be. If there was something that didn't involve chasing straight after the Sith, at least for... a while. I've spent my whole life wandering around the Outer Rim and just kinda... asking for a fight. I think it's time I did something else."

@TWD26 @Mr. Teatime

 

[Oren Zapan]

Oren listened to Nara's heartfelt response, her feelings poured from her heart and the uncertainty filled the air around them. She may believe she was alone in her feelings, but it was the order as a whole that wrestled with the same feelings, Oren knew he felt as much. The Jedi Master would offer a simple nod as he allowed her to finish, his eyes shifting to his fellow council member.

"The galaxy is changing in ways that none of us could truly predict. I sit on this council today, but neither of us could say we saw it then -- I'm sure Hans feels the same way. Is that not life, constantly changing and shifting the paths we cross -- whether we wish for it or not?"

He would offer her his hand, "Your heart was in the right place, wishing to help your friends, and I commend you for it. You struggled and you feel you have failed. But, I don't see it as that; No you found exactly who you are Nara, who you were always meant to be. Your potential in healing, the way you cared for that Mandalorian boy all those years ago, the clinic with Master Tionson, and even this supposed clinic on Nar Shaddaa. I believe you know who you truly are, but you're afraid of what we may think. Following your calling, I've seen it in you since day one. A Jedi's life is difficult Nara, we don't often get to live like others, but you have never given up on the Code and that is the most difficult part of being a Jedi."

The Jedi Master would pull his hand away, his eyes shifting to focus on her own. She had grown up before his eyes, she was no longer that rough little street kid he had met on Ajan Kloss -- it was in there, but there was more to her now, that much he knew. "No matter what you choose in life, know that I will always be here for you, the teachings, it is a part of you."

tag: @Charndley @Mr. Teatime

 

[Hannibal Grayza]

Hannibal listened in silence, not really looking at either of the other two as if he was just staring off into space. But he did listen, both to Nara and Oren. He took every word and turned it back in forth in his head, examining them, picking them apart. There was a lot of information and feeling in there, a lot of truth. Nara had always been fiery, even as a Jedi, and passionate in her desire to help others. Sometimes for a Jedi that meant fighting, but Nara had come to learn it wasn't always that simple.

The young Padawan who'd been so upset at Oren's arrest to the point of wanting to break him out of prison had grown up. It was a sight to see, but it was sad too. When Oren was done speaking Hannibal turned his eyes from the ceiling and gingerly adjusted the way he was seated to a more normal fashion, careful of the blaster wound that was still healing across his ribs.

"Front lines aren't for everyone, y'know. Not even for most. We're keepers of the peace, warriors if we have to be, but we're not soldiers," he began, pushing himself out of his council seat and onto his feet. "Some Jedi are healers, or historians, or pilots, or just people who want to help where they can. But," he paused and took a couple steps toward Nara.

"A Jedi must also help themselves, accept who and what they are, before they can help others. My last Master was a healer you know, a good one. Take the time to find your own path as a Jedi, Nara." It was something Hannibal had also struggled with while he was a Knight. He'd barely considered himself a Jedi most of the time, fearing one thing or the other, making mistakes. It was a less than fun part of the whole experience, but he believed Nara had begun to find what being a Jedi meant to her, personally. He smiled down at her, a rare real one that went all the way to his eyes, and he laid a hand on her shoulder.

"Focus on where you are now, not where you could be, and it'll come to you. Life happens wherever you are, whether you make it or not. Walk it well, do the best you can, that's all we can ask." The young Master pulled Nara in then into a gentle hug, friendly and familial. After a couple seconds he pulled back and look at Nara, still smiling.

"If you do that, then no matter what path you choose, we'll always be proud of you. Don't forget."

@Charndley @TWD26

 

[Juniper]

Her Masters offered their thoughts. Their observations. Their sympathies. Oren might never have believed he'd end up on the Council, but Nara always had. There was a calmness, an aura of peaceful leadership and command that he'd always given off. The Jedi were many; an eccentric group filled with all sorts of strange, colourful people. All you needed to do was look at the three people in that room to see that. But Oren? He was the Jedi to her, even if he'd never claim that himself.

She took his hand as he spoke, squeezing it as he listed what she'd done. The brief mention of Rynn made her heart hurt, old scabs picked off for a few seconds. For a few seconds her mind wandered back to happier memories of Coruscant hotel rooms and times on the Condor... but they faded. He spoke of a calling, the path and the Code. She'd always had trouble following it. Particularly the part about emotion yet peace and passion yet serenity. But when she'd been at her most scared, those were the words that came to her.

Next came Hannibal. She winced a little, watching him climb out of his seat. Still recovering, like they all were. As he approached, Nara watched him. Drawn in by his words, by his movements, by his touch. That smile that blazed brighter than any wry smirk or playful grin she'd seen from him before, one that she couldn't resist sharing.

Live in the now.

That's all she could do.

When Hannibal hugged her, Nara put her arms around him and hugged back. Eyes closed for a second, the smile still on her face, as a tear or two ran down her pale cheek. As he stepped back, Nara knew that no matter what decision she made, there'd always be a part of her that lived there. Not in the Temple itself, but with the Order that'd found her, trained her and made her into someone with the abilities to help others.

She looked at them both, taking a moment to push a lock of hair behind her non-scarred ear. "Thank you.. thank you both for your time. I'll um... think about what you've both said. I might've been a little... hasty in making any decisions."

Rushing straight into something passionately without thinking? Surely not you, Nara Allam!

In the end, Hannibal's words rang in her head. Focus on where you are now. She could do that. The Galaxy was changing, sure, but her place in it all? Did that really matter? She could do what she knew she was good at.

"I... I'm going to stay. And continue on my path," she said suddenly, looking towards both her Masters, "there's a lot I can do right now to help things. Thank you. Thank you both."

She thought about bowing again, but decided against it. There'd never been much room for formality on her path.

@TWD26 @Mr. Teatime