Ask Yavin IV Trial of the Flesh

[Zathria]

It'd certainly put a damper on your trial if you lost your arm, she said, though she frowned after a moment. Perhaps she should have left him unhealed. Then it would be an extra layer of trial of the flesh. Too late now.

I took it off, she said. The trial's over, but we should wait to debrief until we're back to the temple, she continued.

But you're welcome to carry it, she said with a smirk. His trial, his helmet, his responsibility to carry it, right? Technically it wasn't his helmet, but the principle was there.

They walked along, munching on their food as they wandered through the darkening forest. It was already becoming more difficult to see, but Crix had technically made his way out here without any vision at all in the first place, so that shouldn't be all that difficult to do.

No! she said, though it wasn't entirely clear whether she was actually offended or just feigning offense. It wasn't the first time people had implied that about her so it came as no surprise. She could live with it. She had something of an old soul, and perhaps overtuned maternal instincts.

Yes, well, just be glad for that or you'd be going to bed on an empty stomach, mister, she said, at this point obviously joking and leaning into the stereotype a bit.

As they continued walking, she realized that while she'd originally said that they could wait to discuss the trial until they were back to the temple, the walking time my serve the same purpose just as well.

So how do you think you did? she asked. One of those great "teacher" questions that no student ever really liked to answer.

 

[Crix Aran]

For some reason he didn’t particularly like the look Zathria gave his arm when she spoke about him potentially losing it. He cradled the limb in question to his chest and gave her a defensive look, only somewhat joking. Crix might not have been able to read her thoughts but the way she looked at his once-injured arm and pondered was a bit too much for his liking.

Probably something about how it might have worked out as an extra feature of the trail of flesh or something – some of the Jedi in the past had passed the trial of flesh by losing hands or eyes or whatever. Crix didn’t think any less of those old Jedi for enduring such losses and moving past them but he would very much prefer to not join their number just to pass the trials to become a Knight.

It wasn’t like Knighthood required the loss of a limb, the joke going around the Temple was that was what it took to become a Jedi Master.

Laughing a little bit about the helmet though, he Pulled it to him with a small use of the Force and held it in his hands for a moment. It wasn’t a pretty-looking helmet but he could see why she had picked it. He spun it around in his hands with a little bit.

“… be honest with me, how much of a tit did I look stumbling around while wearing this?” he asked the Knight with a lopsided smirk, “Come on, you can be honest with me – I can take it.”

So fun to tease a mom.

Team mom counted looked like.

When she made a comment about him enjoying the granola bar or going to bed hungry he couldn’t have set it up better if he had tried. He smirked ever so slightly and deliberately rolled his eyes in his best impression of a moody teenager.

“Yes mooooom…”

But the last question was a serious one so he took it seriously. Humming a little bit, he looked away for a moment as he thought about it. He had, naturally, been thinking about it since he first woke up. It was the whole reason he was even out there – of course he had been thinking about it and how long it had taken him.

How he could have done better.

“I think… ah…” he shrugged a little bit, “I think I suck at self-reflection on my exams, always have. Always tend to either think I’ve done awesome or I’ve done terrible. For this one?”

His mouth twisted ever so slightly.

“Think maybe my focus was a bit too… broad. Helping those in need was the whole point but my mind went to helping not only a farmer’s cattle but a swarm of beetles too?” he frowned ever so slightly, “Just couldn’t think of a reason why I should stop the helping at just the ones that wouldn’t try and eat me, you know? I don’t know if that’s good or means I need more sessions with my doctor.”

@Phoenix

 

[Zathria]

You don't even want to know, she said with a shake of her head. He'd stumbled around, tripped, bumped his head, and all sorts of other things. Whether she was serious or not was hidden by her deadpan delivery.

She rolled her eyes as he quickly latched onto her feigned mom moment. She wasn't even that much older than him, and certainly not old enough to be his mother!

She gave him time to think about his response, no doubt wanting to make sure he picked the "right" answer.

She listened to what he said, not actually looking for any particular answer. This test from start to finish was never really about a "right" answer. It was about learning, growing, and reflecting. It was all very Jedi and that wasn't by accident.

I do know, she confirmed. The Jedi often found themselves helping those who weren't always "open" to help. It always made things more complicated.

And the loss of your senses? Did that teach you anything? Anything about how you'll handle losing an arm when it comes time to become a Master? she asked. Oh yes, she knew the jokes.

 

[Crix Aran]

… kark he’d probably made a right ass of himself hadn’t he? So long as he hadn’t grabbed hold of any Jedi in his stumbling or fallen down in front of some of the hot ones (Sevrin, Alex, Zathria… wait… kark!) then he would be fine, with even most of his pride intact. Thankfully he wasn’t too proud so it should end up being fine… right?

Well if it wasn’t he would soon find out.

If he found printed out pictures of him bumbling around he would be the first to admit that it would be pretty funny, though he would make sure to have Scooter rolling around tearing them down quickly. They didn’t need to be there after all, this was a place of quiet contemplation or whatever!

The loss of his senses…

“It made me a lot more sensitive I think.” He admitted, “Physically for sure…”

He finally understood some people’s obsessions with blindfolds during sex.

“But with the Force it left me with a lot less distractions.” He continued with a grin, “Left me feeling kind of raw but in a good way you know? Don’t know about the Master Initiation though – I kind of like having all my limbs attached you know?”

Crix chuckled.

“You’ll reach that level before me – you decided which one to give up and getting chromed?”

@Phoenix

 

[Zathria]

Yes, well, you must train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose, she said as he mentioned liking all of his limbs to be attached. She couldn't keep herself from smiling. There was a certain amount of truth to the saying, but the New Jedi Order had come to a slightly different understanding than the Old Jedi Order with regards to that. And obviously, no one wanted to lose an arm or leg.

Maybe a leg, she said "thoughtfully." Not as important that it's organic for healing, she said. Okay, enough with the jokes, there was still serious business to discuss.

Heightening his atunement to the Force was precisely one of the goals of the trial. That and preparing himself for a time when he may lose his senses in a fight or a limb or something else. Being a Jedi wasn't just about doing it when comfortable or at one's peak, but all the time.

So far as the Trial of the Flesh is concerned, I will be recommending to the Council your advancement, she said after a moment. While he still likely had other trials to undertake, it would no doubt be a relief to have one successfully under his belt.

You performed admirably, she continued. I would recommend taking additional time over the next few days to meditate on what you learned and incorporate it into the remainder of your training. Even as a Knight, you never stop learning, she said. There were still many masters in the Order who had things to teach her and he would find the same held true with his own promotion.

And as time goes on you may find more and unexpected ways to incorporate what you learned today into your path, she said.

Congratulations, she finally added, looking over at him with a smile.

 

[Crix Aran]

Yeah he'd heard that one before - he didn't think it applied to limbs but, well, Masters were fond of losing them it had to be said. Crix snorted in amusement when she casually joked about choosing to lose one of her legs. Her 'reasoning' was sound as well - the kind of justification he had heard people use in the past during the gallows humor of Rangers and the like.

"Aw man and break up the set?" he joked with a sly wink, "Those thighs are far too good to break apart like that..."

There were more jokes and more flirts he could come up with from there but he didn't think that it was right to keep it up. They were winding up to a more serious, honest, answer to the supposedly simple question of if he passed or failed. It was never going to be as simple as it sounded on the surface but he was glad that there was going to be an answer.

Far too many Jedi were big on non-answers and it infuriated him.

When she answered, telling him of her recommendation, he let out a breath he hadn't been aware he was actually holding. The whole thing had had him tensing up for hours and he was only just now realizing it as he was finally able to relax. He grinned widely at her congratulations and at her advice - he was glad for them both.

He probably should have been respectful and gone for a handshake or a bow but he was a bit too caught up in the moment. Instead he wrapped Zathria up in a tight, but brief, hug before stepping back with that same wide grin.

"Awesome just... so awesome!" he laughed a little bit, "These trials... I thought I was ready, you know? Its why I asked for them but... knowing that someone else thinks that too? It means more than I thought it would, you know?"

@Phoenix

 

[Zathria]

Zathria was caught off guard by that comment. In fact, she had absolutely no idea how to react, so she just kind of said nothing.

As she mentioned her recommendation to the Council, however, she could feel the relief flow out of him in the Force. It was quite distinct, and it showed on his face as well. As if a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders. She knew that feeling well, herself.

As Crix practically leapt at her and threw his arms around her, she stiffened a bit before sort of returning the hug with an awkward pat. She was awkward, what were you going to do about it?

Still, he was glad and she was glad he was glad. It was something to be quite proud of and it was a feat that every Padawan dreaded having to do, but was happy to have behind them.

She smiled genuinely again as he exclaimed. It was a mix of his own anxieties flowing out and nervous babbling, and so she found it a bit humorous, but understandable.

I'm sure you'll do well on your other trials as well. How many more do you have? she asked. She had no idea if he had completed any others already or if this was his first. @Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

Well... aside from getting overly emotional toward one of the proctors for his trials? He chuckled a little bit awkwardly and resisted the urge to rub the back of his head only through sheer force of will. It would only make him more obviously nervous and that was hardly what he wanted to come across as, not after realizing he had passed his Trial of the Flesh.

He was supposed to be becoming a Jedi Knight and hesitancy in a Jedi Knight was a bad thing... right? Right!

"I've got the trial of Insight and the trial of Skill left." he admitted before frowning ever so slightly, tilting his head to the side slightly, "I think? Hans is pretty secretive about the trial of Skill - I think he's going to work it into a mission we do together and he's not going to give me any advance warning."

It made sense since Hans was the leader of the Jedi Shadows, so doing things in secret was kind of his MO. And skill under a test environment was not the same as skill when it was simply needed in the day-to-day.

"The trial of Spirit was..." Crix started before shifting ever so slightly, "Something I passed but I don't think I'll ever fully move past, if that makes sense? What were your trials like?"

@Phoenix

 

[Zathria]

Zathria listened and nodded, silently contemplating what he said. Her own trials came to mind as he spoke, bringing them back to the forefront. It was only a few years ago that she had undertaken the Trials as well, and those were spread out over the course of several months in her case.

My Trial of Insight was similar to what your Trial of Skill sounds like it will be, she said.

My Master observed me while I investigated a crime scene and tracked down the perpetrator, she said. It had been a complicated web that forced her to investigate, understand, and see through the lies of those involved. It had been a convoluted investigation. It had been her most difficult trial, though she didn't tell him this. With everyone undertaking different trials, what was hard for one person may not be hard for another.

Skill involved navigating a complicated obstacle course while taking fire from some remotes. It was overall probably my most uneventful trial, she said. Skill was the easiest for her. Her upbringing had lent her a tendency toward combat skill and discipline since birth, but the Jedi always found a way to put their own spin on things.

Flesh, you already know about. I helped a fellow Padawan who had lost his way, she said, though she didn't offer a great deal more explanation about what precisely that meant.

My Trial of Courage was considered completed after taking part in the Battle at Ryloth, and Spirit... well, it's Spirit, she said. She felt no need to give him more information about that Trial. If he'd already underwent his own, he would know precisely what she meant. It was a deep delve into one's own mind and darkest spots. It was not one that anyone enjoyed and one that stuck with everyone who had completed it.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

Yeah Zathria’s trial of Insight kind of sounded like half of the missions he ended up on with Hans it had to be said. The dude was a Shadow so a lot of their missions together involved being subtle and such like that. Though actually basing an entire investigation on it would have certainly been some kind of incentive!

Do well or a vicious criminal goes free… no pressure, kid.

The others sounded all rather standard to him and it was reassuring, in an odd kind of way, to know that he wasn’t the only person that the Trial of Spirit had stuck to. Just the way she said it kind of told him a number of things. She wasn’t entirely comfortable with talking about the trial in question so he didn’t want to push it any further.

Instead he just relaxed a little bit.

“Its funny, I had the impression that other Jedi just kind of waltzed through their Trials. We have so many Knights and so many seem to get promoted to Knight without doing…”

He made a gesture at himself.

“The whole Padawan thing… It got me a little bit down, you know? Like I wasn’t as skilled as people who came before me.”

It didn’t seem as likely anymore but, well, it had seemed likely for a long time considering how many Knights there were to Padawans.

@Phoenix

 

[Zathria]

No, everyone went through it. People spend many more years as a Knight than a Padawan, so statistically you're much more likely to run into a full Knight, she said and shrugged.

When did you start your training? she asked. In the "olden days" a century or two ago everyone started out as a baby... now, it was all but impossible to say how long someone had been a Jedi for. Crix could have started when he was an infant or he could have joined six months ago, though that was unlikely.

And now you're on the cusp of being a full Knight. How does it feel? she asked. She assumed he was nervous. It was almost inevitable. No one really felt ready to be thrust out into the galaxy on their own. But that was why Padawans spent time training with Knights and Masters. After years of working with a safety net, you learned how to Jedi without being on your own. It was a good system, she had to admit.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

That made a lot of sense.

Padawans might be a fully learning-based role but Knights were still learning but they were forced to do so while actively out and about in the Galaxy. He knew that there were things that only experience could teach and that was a good thing for the Knights but the more mental pursuits could end up taking longer because of the delays. Being a Padawan had the benefit, recently, of basically being forbidden from doing anything else but learning.

Made sense that there were more Knights than Padawans because it took longer for a Knight to advance to the rank of Master - if they ever actually did. Some stayed as Knights either by design, lack of the necessary skills or simply because they died before they could achieve the rank.

"Huh... I started training about a year ago? Maybe two by now." he admitted with a shrug, "Its all kind of a blur really. Joining was a..."

Memories flashed through his mind and he ignored them as best he could.

"A trying time for me."

Understatement but whatever.

How did it feel to be close to being a Knight? He didn't resist the urge this time - he ran a hand over the tips of his spikes as he thought about the question. There were a mixture of emotions right away but he thought about it past his initial reaction before replying.

"Eager." he admitted at length, "Nervous, excited and more but overall I'm just eager. It feels like I've been stuck in this Temple for decades, being told I'm not ready to help people. I might not have been before but I can feel it now that I am and now I feel... like I would be letting people down if I didn't get the rank and start actively helping, you know?"

@Phoenix

 

[Zathria]

Zathria knew the feeling all too well. There was a reason the first thing she'd done upon being knighted was to run off to backwater worlds to help people. She had wanted to help and hadn't wanted to be prodded and watched over by other people. Hopefully Crix wouldn't do the same. She thought the Order would benefit by him remaining around.

That's good, she said with a nod at least to the first part. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. I think you're ready. You just need to accept and believe that, she said. She wouldn't have said it if she didn't think it was true.

Focus on helping people and that's all you can do, she said. It sounded so easy and simple, but it often wasn't. Being a Jedi was a long, hard road. It was filled with discomfort and sometimes even misery, but ultimately they were part of something bigger than themselves.

She paused a moment to decide whether to ask about his joining the Jedi. She didn't want to pry, but perhaps he was opening the door. Sometimes it was difficult for her to tell.

What led you to the Jedi? Just the Will of the Force? she asked. Open ended. He could be as vague or specific as he liked and she even gave him an out.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

Ha, Crix had been given the talk about not putting pressure on himself numerous times in the past and he’d ignored them then too. Not because he didn’t respect the people who gave him the warning but because he just couldn’t do it if it meant he was sitting by while bad things were happening somewhere. There was a sense of responsibility that he just couldn’t shake and he knew that others didn’t necessarily feel that same way.

His therapist had mentioned that it might be a coping method for his trauma and he had accepted that it probably was… and it didn’t make it any easier to suddenly just stop.

“Ah but diamonds are formed under pressure.” He joked with her with a chuckle, shaking his head slightly, “Responsibility was something I was raised with, Zathria. I kind of can’t switch off the fact that I’ve got a responsibility to the rest of the Galaxy.”

Downsides of having a moral code he supposed.

It was probably so easy to be a Sith, not feeling the burning need to do anything but what you wanted to do. Being a Jedi was difficult… understatement of the century right there but whatever. He smiled ever so slightly when the Knight asked him about how he came to the Jedi.

“I figured out I was Force Sensitive years ago but I… ah… my mom is a Ranger.” He admitted with a small frown, “Back then, Force Sensitives were just getting arrested and either being terrorists or law-breakers. Didn’t know how to come out to her as it were, you know?”

He barked a laugh.

“So I ran away from home… long story short, nothing went right and a lot of people close to me suffered terribly because I ran away from home to try and become a Jedi.” He shrugged, “But I couldn’t let it just be a waste, you know? The reasons for me joining the Jedi didn’t change just because my methods had caused so much pain… what about you? Less fire, brimstone and sulphur I hope?”

@Phoenix

 

[Zathria]

Zathria nodded knowingly, recognizing the words all too well as being something she might have said. Pressure was where she thrived as well.

Indeed, but you can’t help anyone if you don’t take care of yourself, she reminded him. It was one of those facts that many of the Jedi had had to learn the hard way. Sometimes learning it only happened after they had accidentally hurt someone else in their exhaustion or similar.

Do you want to be a Jedi. Set aside responsibility, obligation, and the rest. Those alone won’t ever get you through the years to come. If you can do anything else at all and be satisfied, then you need to consider it, she said. It was a frank statement but one he needed to hear. She didn’t expect him to want to leave but he needed to think on it. Hard. Falling short meant falling to the Sith. Better to never start than start and quit.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

That… that first point struck a little bit closer to home than he was expecting. Crix grimaced ever so slightly before turning it into a rueful smile that he directed at his elder. She might not know how close she had hit with that simple comment or she might actually know full well.

Zathria was a wise woman for someone not that much older than he was himself.

“One of the reasons why I’m here.” He admitted with that same rueful smile even as it turned a touch more melancholy than before, “I was a burden before, you know? A liability… a weakness for my mom and for my friends. Part of my wanting to be a Jedi is to ensure that I’m not like that again, that it can be my turn to protect them.”

He chuckled a little bit sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head as if what he had just admitted was something childish. It was, in some ways, but he didn’t think it was entirely anymore. Built out of a desire to protect those he loved, he didn’t think that was a bad foundation for being a Jedi.

A lot more personal than some reasons he’d heard from other Jedi.

“You sound like my mom, for real this time.” He joked a little bit, “I’m doing online courses at the University of Corellia in droid engineering, some minor focus on inorganic ethics as well. As far back as I can remember I wanted to protect people and droids but also try and, you know, fix them.”

Crix managed a grin.

“Being a Jedi of the people and of the droids… sounds like a life well lived to me, you know?”

@Phoenix

 

[Zathria]

Zathria just had that tendency. Her mother had once told her she was “born older.” Perhaps it would mean she’d make Jedi Master faster, but then she had to lose a limb. Big downside there.

She listened to Crix’s explanation about wanting to become a Jedi and nodded. Protecting people was a good reason. He had other interests it sounded like this was the path he was committed to. And he was passing his trials well from the sound of things.

She could see the temple in the distance as they walked, and was glad for the prospect of being able to rest and eat soon.

“I’ll take that as an absolute compliment. She’s a very impressive woman,” she said. She tried to keep herself from fangirling too hard over Lieutenant Aran. The woman had been through the ringer and survived. She’d been leading the charge against the Sith for years. If Zathria turned out even a fraction as competent, she’d consider herself a success.

“So when you’re a Knight will you stay around the temple, pop by sometimes, or never come back?” she asked. There were Jedi who fell into all three categories right now. She’d begun as the latter but turned into the second with time.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

Yeah… she was.

Crix remembered seeing his mom in a wide variety of ways that could have ruined the heroic image she put forward to her fellow Rangers and the Galaxy at large. After all, he'd seen her slipping on some water after coming out the shower and the egg on the back of her head for days after. Not to mention the frustrated way her face had scrunched up when she had been trying to help him with Basic Literature.

Neither of them were good at Literature... like at all.

But he still saw her as a heroine and he could tell why others would see her in the same light and always would. So he just kind of nodded at that point - it was a very valid point after all. Seemed that Zathria knew a bit more about his mom than the typical Jedi stuff so that was something for him to think about later.

He didn't really just wanna ask if his fellow Jedi Knight had gone on a InstaSpace stalking spree on his mom or whatever. Thinking about the Temple, he eyed the large building ahead of them before sighing.

"The Temple is just a building and it... has it's uses but it's not my home and it's not the Jedi." he shook his head, "I think I'll be spending most of my time away from the Temple itself, though I do enjoy most working directly with other Jedi. And some Rangers too I guess."

Rangers Kid was almost a job description these days.

@Phoenix

 

[Zathria]

Zathria listened to his answer, but there was something about it that nagged her. As if the answer were in some way sad. Perhaps it had to do with the story of how he'd come to the Jedi or perhaps it was something else entirely.

I agree that the most good we can do is usually away from the temple. But sometimes it's nice to have another home. People who understand what you're going through and what you've been through, she said. She liked working with other Jedi too. It was still relatively new for her, but all things changed in time.

You okay? she just decided to ask after another moment. It wasn't that she was trying to pry, but she felt there was more he had to say. Or perhaps she was mistaken. She headed inside the temple and decided to make for the mess hall, checking to see if he would follow along. He was free to go now, but she had to assume he would be hungry as well.

@Nefieslab

 

[Crix Aran]

He could see what she was going for but he didn't really agree. During his time growing up, he'd realized that home was just a building more often than not. Having a place to go home to wasn't too bad but it was something he had kind of grown out of either needing or wanting. Probably something he would need to mention to his therapist honestly but they weren't on that level yet.

The people on the other hand?

"The people will be there until they're not." he admitted with a small smile, "And it'll happen one day, sooner rather than later Zathria. I'm trying to not get too attached to a Temple I'm already thinking about as a future re-ruin - the people less so obviously. They're irreplaceable but to make sure I can help them I gotta get out there and get better."

Smiling a little bit, Crix shrugged.

"Got a brood on I guess." he declared with a little shrug, "Thinking about the future often gets me acting like that - something I gotta work on I know, I know..."

Brooding was hot in small doses but it mostly came from the fact that he still had it in his head that the Jedi were all going to go away one day. Hells, he remembered the vision the Zeffo ruin had given him... facing down a Sith Hannibal after all the other Jedi had been betrayed, put to death.

@Phoenix