Independent Talon, Clan Vizsla

DarkSaber

19-23-18-16
SWRP Writer
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
134
Reaction score
36

Talon Vizsla



AGE

► 25
SPECIES
► Human
HEIGHT
► 6'3
WEIGHT
► 72 kg
EYE COLOR
► Red
GENDER
►Male
FACTION
► Independent (BHG)
ROLE
► Initiate
FORCE SENSITIVITY
► Yes, but untrained.
BIOGRAPHY

Talon is one of the few Mandalorians still claiming membership in clan Vizsla. Sold into slavery as a foundling by his gambling parents, Talon was freed from his harsh owners by a group of Mandalorians belonging to the clan. He was trained and instated into the order. Shortly after, however, the group was attacked by an unknown warrior with a lightsaber.

Talon escaped with his life, but the rest were slaughtered. After hiding for days, he returned to the place of death, salvaging what armor he could and swearing revenge against all force wielders. He set out across the outer rim in search of more clan members, always keeping his eyes peeled for the double bladed saber that flipped his life around. He flies a restricted ship without a license and so must land far outside of any occupied city.

Strangely, he was trained to fight with a bilari electro-chain whip by the Mandalorians, a dangerous weapon in melee combat. In his current life, he has just been initiated into the BHG along with 2 of his Vods, Dolworth and Adenn Rytt.

APPEARANCE:​
Maintains the clan's armor; refuses to take off helmet in classic Mandalorian fashion. Repainted armor to black as white armor makes stealth extremely difficult.

PERSONALITY:​
Talon is smart yet quiet and usually does not voice his opinion, instead acting on it. He is also prideful and actually prefers being lonely, partially because he rarely has anyone to work with whom he feels he can trust.



Skills and Abilities

Attributes: Talon is very athletic and trained in Mandalorian fighting skills. He decent mobility considering his armor, and he also has quick thinking that has gotten him out of many a bad situation. He's not very quick on his feet but has an uncanny ability to hit whatever he shoots at. Finally, his stamina is exceptional. However, he often has flashbacks of his past, especially when seeing lightsabers, that distract him during fights. He's also very prideful and is difficult to cooperate with as he usually works alone.

Skills: Talon is a skilled marksman, able to hit two targets at once, one with each pistol. He also has years of experience in stowing away aboard ships as he lacked one for years; it has payed off as he is now a master sneak with black stealth armor, concussion grenades, a sniper rifle, and pistols with flash suppressors. He is also trained well in the ways of the bilari electro-chain whip, but were he to go up against a master or a lighstaber wielder, his skills may not be enough. He has recently had a lot of experience with piloting and has grown his skills greatly to make him a formidable opponent.

Technological Assets


ROLE-PLAYS:

Chapter 1:


Chapter 2:

 
Last edited:

Rebel Trooper

New Member
SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 6, 2019
Messages
48
Reaction score
10
Vod!

This is a place for "completed" profiles ready for review by the Character Moderation team.

I'd say your best bet is working on this in the Player Workshop (A place for works in progress and development) if you don't want to have to have a tedious back and forth with them. Also linking the pieces of equipment you use is helpful as they are all taken into account with world persistence - you can find links to items in the Technology section.

Just a thing or two though. Your character can wear Beskar'gam but it can't be made out of Beskar Iron off the bat. They can begin with Jumpboots as an armour function but they can't start out with a Jetpack. They can begin with a Blaster Rifle but I believe all current Snipers are advanced technology.
 
Last edited:

DarkSaber

19-23-18-16
SWRP Writer
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
134
Reaction score
36
Tysm; so fix those things and it should get approved?
Sry I'm very new to this.
And should I create an entirely new thread with the new draft?
Thx!!
 

Rebel Trooper

New Member
SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 6, 2019
Messages
48
Reaction score
10
No worries, mucker. If you fix those things, in theory, you should find yourself approved if the CharMods don't see any issue with it's contents. Definitely take your time with this though and don't get disheartened by any of the changes they may ask, the timeline almost literally just started so you've got like a million years to get stuck in and forge an awesome story.
 

Wit

Beyond Measure
SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 29, 2010
Messages
8,171
Reaction score
1,809
A few pointers to help you out. Firstly the "Sith" I'm this setting are secretive cultists who worship the Sith, and are in complete hiding. They wouldn't go slaughtering a group of Mandos and if they did your might still not know who it was because the Galaxy thinks Sith and everyone to do with them is long head. Also, Vizla and Vizsla are still pronounced the same so won't really help keep a low profile. And the armor linked might be the one from last TL, you'll have to update it with a current one.
 

DarkSaber

19-23-18-16
SWRP Writer
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
134
Reaction score
36
@Wit, I really only meant for writing; If he had to introduce himself and they saw he was a Mandalorian ofc they would suspect Vizsla.
I'm not too familiar with how tech works; what would I need to update?
And thanks for the Sith pointer; I read the story line but didn't really think that far.
Overall, thanks for the help!!!
 

Eden

Twi'leki Loremaster
SWRP Writer
SWRP Supporter
Joined
Dec 13, 2016
Messages
305
Reaction score
277
A few tips from me: Realistically, if he wanted to hide his identity in writing he'd probably use his first name only, or go by Jameson Avari or some other completely made up name... Since chances are if someone reads Vizla they'll just think it's a typo of Viszla anyway, which seems to defeat the purpose of using a different name. As for how tech works, it's definitely worth reading the Tech Rules here if you haven't already, as it explains the tech system much better than I can in a single post.

Also, your armor link is broken because of the ); at the end of it, so you might want to fix that up too ^^

Other than that it's looking good to me, after that it'll be time to just wait and see what the character mods think.
 

DarkSaber

19-23-18-16
SWRP Writer
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
134
Reaction score
36
@Eden,
Tysm! I kinda skimmed the tech rules, so i just went and read them in full.
I guess its kinda too late to change "Vizla" because I can't change my character's name :/
Thanks for the link nuance, I didn't spot it.
 

Wit

Beyond Measure
SWRP Writer
Joined
Nov 29, 2010
Messages
8,171
Reaction score
1,809
There should be an edit thread option at the top of the page that will allow you to change the title of this page. You can use that to edit the name here if you want, and if you want to change the name of a sub-account there’s a username change request thread in the tech support area of the site where you request it.
 

DarkSaber

19-23-18-16
SWRP Writer
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
134
Reaction score
36
Wit,
That'd be gr8. Could u post the link possibly?
I'm rly bad at navigating the site.
Thanks!!
 

Eden

Twi'leki Loremaster
SWRP Writer
SWRP Supporter
Joined
Dec 13, 2016
Messages
305
Reaction score
277
Wit,
That'd be gr8. Could u post the link possibly?
I'm rly bad at navigating the site.
Thanks!!

^^

For future reference, you click on the "Bug Reporting, Requests and Suggestions" section, and it's pretty much the first thread to come up.
 

Rom

Character Moderator
Character Moderator
Joined
May 15, 2011
Messages
3,336
Reaction score
235
Good evening @DarkSaber

Glad to see another Mandalorian character! I do see a couple of hiccups profile wise we need to address before Talon can be approved.

1) In your description of his abilities Talon comes across as a little Overpowered. He is not only supremely strong, dexterous and intelligent but always lands his shots and has incredible stamina. The only real downside seems to be flashbacks and his pride. While being a skilled warrior is definitely doable, the way the character is described needs to be toned down.

2) The point with the clan name Vizla Vizsla needs to be addressed. My honest recommendation if you want him to be laying low is to have a different pseudonym he uses as a hunter.

If these points can be addressed we can get Talon approved.
 

DarkSaber

19-23-18-16
SWRP Writer
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
134
Reaction score
36
@Rom,
I'm working with mods to change my sub-account name to Talon Vizsla. Once that's over with, I'll likely dispose of the entire pseudonym idea.
I've updated the ability description.
Thanks!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Rom

DarkSaber

19-23-18-16
SWRP Writer
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Messages
134
Reaction score
36
I've actually already gone ahead and removed the pseudonym; I also tried to tone down the abilities, but if he's still coming off as too strong I can remove some things.
 

Rom

Character Moderator
Character Moderator
Joined
May 15, 2011
Messages
3,336
Reaction score
235
@DarkSaber

I'm not sure if the edit went through, it still has the Vizla Viszla thing mentioned in the biography.
 
Top