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OP-ED: WHO IS GRACE ZANN?
BY MAEVE MAFEEN
The news cycle has been absolute madness since an incendiary report was published by the HoloNet News Network that Senator Vaz of Kuat sold Republic military technology to a pirate organization affiliated with the notorious Five Syndicates. But let's be honest. We all knew corruption ran rampant in the Core Worlds. Republic leadership can attempt to distance themselves from the incident all they like, but the fact that the very wealthy in the Core Worlds have been in league with literal crime syndicates—supplying them even—is as blatantly obvious to the rest of us as is the Sith's abject drought of taste and sophistication in regards to their wardrobe. (Seriously, with all that power they have amassed these last few years, the Empress should have more than enough resources to afford a sensible stylist.)
So, instead of the crime we always knew was happening, the cycle latched on to the one we didn't know was happening. If you were like me, you must have been wondering: Who is Grace Zann?
It is not just that her name doesn't roll off the tongue so much as it derails and falls off the sides; this person, who claims to be a major crime lord, has largely escaped public attention until now. How is it that someone completely off the intergalactic radar could march into Kuat Drive Yards and walk out with the proverbial keys to the entire New Republic defense grid? The mere thought of it is absolutely preposterous!
Of course, the obvious answer seems to be that the good Senator from Kuat had a revolving door policy and perpetually open legs. And for once, I'm not referring to his sexual proclivities. That much appeared obvious when the monarchy of Naboo issued a statement claiming that they too were approached by the Senator with a similar offer. But, absurd as the claim is, it at least makes sense. The Queen of Naboo is, after all, a high profile public figure with an immaculate sense of fashion. Just look at the way she braids her hair! Marvelous!
But Grace Zann? What do we know about her?
She claims to lead the Zann Consortium. And if you don't know what that is, who could blame you? So much as I can find, their one claim to fame is being trapped on a swampy world during the Iron Blockade more than a century ago. One has to feel bad for them though. Can you imagine those poor pirates trapped in ninety-percent humidity in the middle of the summer without a del sol melamine or a bidet? Absolutely savage!
Image: Tyber Zann, Grace Zann's alleged ancestor.
Other than that, I suppose their dogged leader can claim a somewhat famous lineage. Though, Tyber Zann was mostly known for appearing in public looking as though he had combed his hair with a rancor's finger bone. And judging by that scar on his face, it appears as though he missed the mark on more than one occasion. I could go on, but, just look at him. A russet jacket with a faux fur collar? Is he a crime lord or auditioning to be the next miner shipped off to Hoth? No—I needn't go on. You get the picture.
The most scandalous information I could find is that she is never seen without a lightsaber dangling from her hip. Some who have escaped her violence have even reported that the blade is yellow in color. I believe that would squarely connect her to the Jedi, as the Sith only seem to work in black and reds, but I am hardly an expert on the fashion senses (or lack thereof) of two monastic orders who haven't updated their dress code in over twenty thousand years.
The point—for those who wish to know more about this crime lord known as Grace Zann—is that there isn't much to know. Which makes it even more scandalous that she was able to get away with obtaining so many Republic military vessels, doesn't it?
If I may offer some advice in closing: Return the ships, darling. Use the funds to buy a wig. You can get them stylized and in bulk right here on Indupar. I believe our governor is well accustomed to the practice. I don't yet know what sort of legacy you will leave behind you when you go to prison, but at least you will look fabulous in whatever textbooks will actually mention you.
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