Leaving the Sith shouldn't be so easy

[Sierrien]

The dark, empty void of space was a good match for her these days. Travelling through it gave her plenty of time to brood and let her anger simmer up to the point of boiling. So far she had kept it in check; it was not yet time to let it loose. That would come later. She needed her wits about her and couldn't risk drawing undue attention just yet, for the prey she was hunting was not only dangerous but also hadn't left much of a trail to follow. Or really any trail to follow that she could make out. Instead she had immersed herself in the Force and let that lead her.

She hadn't found a thing that way either. Every place she visited had been simply devoid of any evidence that the former Crusader had been there ever, let alone recently. She wasn't usually one to give up, but she was just about ready to on this one. Not having a place to start made it be t to impossible. Finding one person in a galaxy literally full of them was a daunting task, and the force was not seeming very helpful either. The anger was the only thing that was still keeping her going, but too much anger right now would hinder instead of help - and every unsuccessful stop only increased it.

Her ship slid in to the space station that she was fairly certain would be her latest source of ire; as far as she could tell it was pretty well in the middle of nowhere. It was just on the outside edge of Hutt space and there was barely a world worth mentioning by name anywhere around either. It was an extreme long shot that anyone of any kind of note had ever stepped foot inside this station. And as she wasn't herself worth any kind of note, at least she could rest easy knowing she had not tarnished thar perfect record. She could already tell this place was rather worthy of being unnoticed - everything inside was drab and not made to be the least bit aesthetically pleasing. It almost looked like it could have been a military installation at some point in the distant past, but right now it just looked like it should have been abandoned half a century ago.

She pulled up the hood of her dark cloak that was currently wrapped around her form. It was mostly meant to keep her warmth to herself, but combined with her mask it would also do a decent job of keeping her identity a secret from prying eyes as well. A habit formed by intent and practice, she would rather keep it in place even if recognition of her might bring her close to her goal. She would be the finder, not the one found this time. At least that was the way she was wanting it to happen. She had a plan, and she had kept it purposefully simple.

Find her. Confront her. Kill her.

 

[Gamov]

Filth and desperation, that was what she had been reduced to. Skulking around the grimy back alleys and fetid gutters of every backwater world on the fringe of civilization was not how she had envisioned her life turning out. She desperately wanted to blame someone else; the Jedi, the Sith, even her sister. But there was no one to blame but herself, and her thoughts positively seethed at that realization. Departing the Sith had not brought the sense of relief or levity she thought it would - as if walking out on the Order would have somehow granted her a clean slate and a clear conscience. Sadly, it was never that easy. Her past clung to her like a shadow, a persistent reminder that would never leave her side.

Practically rolling her eyes at the thought, Mila put her ruminations aside as she mingled with the crowds along the main thoroughfare of the station's market district. She had only spent a few days in isolation on Leritor with Aubrey after their harrowing escape from Empress Teta, but the lack of even basic provisions at their makeshift hideout had made those few days feel like weeks. To that end, Mila had decided, in her typical unilateral fashion, to abscond with their only mode of offworld transportation to search for amenities to make things seem less dismal. As usual though, that was only half of her reason for leaving the poor girl stranded; the holocron she possessed being the true prize which the former Crusader coveted. And without a ship to haul herself around, Mila had made rather certain that her charge wasn't going to be straying too far.

Pausing as she eyed a storefront advertising itself as a shop for used starship parts, a relieved sigh nearly slipped out. The freighter they had stolen was in dire need of repairs - not that it was much to look at to begin with, of course. As much as she would like to simply ditch the flying tetanus hazard for something that looked like it wasn't produced during the era of the Old Republic, Mila was also aware that such things tended to be overly pricey. And she certainly wasn't rolling in credits like some wealthy Corporate Sector banker either. Then again, the Force could be a very powerful negotiating tool.

With a subdued smirk sprawled across her expression, she slipped into the store, but not before a disturbance caught her attention. It was distant and fleeting, but the imprint in left the back of her mind felt like a nagging intuition; like she was trying to remind herself about something vaguely important, but she couldn't figure out what. Lingering for a moment to cast a pensive eye about the crowd, Mila half dismissed the feeling with a muted scoff. Yet something still felt amiss. But what...

 

[Sierrien]

Her walk through the market had been mostly uneventful; she had peered at the offerings of a few booths but her eyes were mostly watching the faces of those she passed. Her vigilance seemed to be for naught though as she ended up on the far side of the market without a glimpse of her prey. A sigh left her lips as she found a wall to lean against, her eyes scanning the crowd this way and that to pass the time. It seemed she had found another dead end. Or perhaps she hadn't. A gentle twinge of the Force caught her attention, so slight that she wouldn't have normally given it a second thought but that she was seeking just such a thing. A gentle push removed her from her lean and her legs set her in motion towards what she had felt, just for that fleeting motion. She kept her steps as measured as she could, though it was still a bit of a rush that took her across the market again, towards the fleeting feeling she had.

She was just in time to see her enter some kind of shop that seemed to be selling used star ship parts. She let out a low growl once the door closed with Mila inside. She stood there staring at the door for a few long moments, standing to the side just a bit so she couldn't be seen through it. Now came the question of what she should do now. The element of surprise should be on her side if she acted quickly. A myriad of options flowed through her mind - too many options. Another growl left her small form as she pushed those thoughts aside. It wasn't the time for thinking up some convoluted plan - no, it was the time for stupid brute force. With that decided, she started forward once more and moved in to the same shop that Mila had entered as inconspicuously as she could. The dark cloak and hood were already meant to keep her identity secret; she hoped she was barely worth a second glance. Her own eyes shifted around before settling on Mila as the woman seemed to be - well, accost on yhe proprietor of this little shop. There were only a handful of other people in the place, so blending in for long wasn't a real option.

Not that she had any intention of blending in. Taking full of advantage of Mila being busy to close the gap between them, she approached from behind the woman until she was directly behind her. It felt like it would be too easy to just pull out her saber and ignite it in to Mila's back; things usually didn't go so smoothly in practice. Instead her left hand came up to tap Mila on the shoulder. Hopefully common enough to get the woman to turn, and then she could finally let all that pent up anger loose.

She would bring her right hand across hard as she turned her shoulders in to it, as well as using all of that anger through the Force to strengthen her punch to something more than a skinny girl should be able to do. Her aim was to hit hard enough that coupled with the surprise of it, she would knock Mila down to the ground. And if that worked a quick shift would try to plant her foot firmly on the woman's chest to keep her still for the moment it would take her hand to draw out her saber. Were that successful a snap-hiss would ignite from the pink handle, the matching pink blade stopping an inch short of touching Mila while her free hand pulled back her own hood and even pulled down her mask, so that Mila would be able to see the full measure of her rage written all across her face.

 

[Gamov]

Sleazy hardly described the store owner, his attention shifting onto her rather abruptly with a lecherous grin that hadn't gone unnoticed. He seemed to be more of a conman than a business man, sizing up his customers like marks he could bilk for every credit they were worth. And considering his store had all the atmosphere and amenities of a pawn shop, she wasn't going to count it out that he was running little more than an elaborate scam here; a scam he no doubt planned to draw her in with. He was oddly pleasant when she spoke to him, putting on his best smile even as every word that passed his lips amounted to little more than a string of lies. For the most part Mila had played along with his game, but when it became obvious that his intentions were a fair deal more dubious, she turned the tables.

It hadn't taken much, just a little prying through the Force to work her way into his thoughts and forcibly change his mind.

It was only when another presence slipped in through the door that her own attention wandered. Her eye casually scanned over the other patrons, settling on the robed figure hovering near the edge of her periphery. An uneasy feeling coiled in the pit of her stomach and she resisted the urge to reach for the saber hidden beneath her coat. Her mind drifted to one word in that instance: assassin. Either she was growing increasingly paranoid in her time away from the Sith, or there was some credence to her anxiety. Neither option offered her much comfort, honestly. Mila's eye focused on the store owner again as he returned to he front desk, a vaguely confused look scrawled across his face as if he had forgotten where he was or what he was supposed to be doing. But another subtle suggestion planted at the forefront of his hazy thoughts reminded him well enough, and he was gone again just as quickly as he had reappeared.

Now, who was that... the tap on her shoulder was all the warning she ever had.

Mila never saw the clenched fist hurtling towards her face as she spun to face the person behind her, reeling behind the force of the impact as she felt a searing pain shoot through her sinuses. The taste of copper pooled in the back of her throat and she was only dimly aware that she had hit the floor before a steady pressure impressed itself on her chest, pinning her in place. A moment of panic raced through her mind along with anger and confusion, but the sharp hiss of a lightsaber being activated suddenly brought all of her scattered thoughts into focus. Peering up with bleary eyes, she winced at the throbbing pain in her face as she squinted to adjust her focus and blink the tears from her vision. The gentle hum of a saber blade mere inches from her face brought reality crashing back in on her. But after a few seconds she realized that it was no ordinary blade.

"Pink...?" She thought. "Who uses... no." The realization seemed too impossible as he eyes focused past the dim glow of the blade to the figure looming above her. In the instant the hood and mask were sloughed off to reveal the identity of her attacker, Mila's breath caught in the back of her throat, barely sparing her enough air to utter one word...

"Lairiel?"

 

[Sierrien]

Well, this had certainly gone better than she had initially thought it would. Turned out this whole anger thing was actually pretty useful. It had driven her so well that here she was, standing over Mila and having the woman under her thumb. Well, under her boot at least, and looking more than a little confused to see her standing there. Or maybe the confusion was that she had actually managed to get the upper hand, and wasn't quite so timid as Mila remembered her being. In fact she was pretty sure she was currently not being anything remotely like herself - she certainly didn't recognize her own actions these days. She had felt herself slipping away to the anger for some time now, and now it had almost taken her completely. Her eyes shifted over Mila's face as the woman was laid out on her back, looking all confused. This was certainly what she was hoping to accomplish, so far. Now it was time to confront her, and see what was said in response to her confrontation.

"Mila." She said the name as evenly as she could, once again fighting to keep her anger from taking over again. And then she figured out that she had forgotten to plan what exactly she would say if she actually managed to make it to this point. "Why?" It was about as vague as a question could get, so it was good for a stall while she processed just what she actually wanted to say. Something profound and damning, but what would do that justice? Or she could just start hurting Mila until she felt better. Would that make her feel better? She didn't know. She wasn't good at this.

Barring an explanation as to 'why' - and given the vagueness of the question, Mila wasn't able to answer it - she opened her mouth and words just started to spill out. "You left me behind. No message, no note - you just took off and discarded me like I was nothing!" Her right arm trembled with the rage her own words brought, the lightsaber wavering dangerously close to Mila's face. "So as I clearly mean nothing to you, I should just do what's expected of me and kill you right now." If that wasn't a declaration of intent, she didn't know what was. Still, her saber didn't dart forward to try and make good on that; perhaps she just wanted to hear what Mila had to say, or perhaps there were some lingering feelings there. Her knuckles had turned white around her hard grip on that bright pink saber Mila had hated so much, her arm continuing to tremble.

 

[Gamov]

Vulnerability, it was not a feeling Mila was particularly fond of. But staring up at her former apprentice, her face a study in rage as the tip of her saber wavered dangerously in her tremulous grasp, it was a feeling which the former Crusader couldn't keep from overwhelming her thoughts. A matter of inches separated her from life and death, and everything hinged on whatever words she could manage sputter out through the pain throbbing in her bruised sinuses. Turning her head only as much as she dared to spit out a tiny rivulet of blood, Mila blanked for an explanation, her lips moving to form any word other than a slurred "I...", but failing almost completely.

The surreality of it all was still trying to register in her addled mind before the pressure of Lairiel's boot dug into her chest, forcing out a pained grunt as the saber inched perilously closer. "Alright! Alright..." Her eyes drifted from the Arkanian briefly, sweeping the crowd that had gathered, a sudden sense of total humiliation adding insult to injury. She felt like she was on display, being poked and prodded from afar with barbed whispers and leery eyes like some animal in a zoo. She had never felt lower for anything else in her entire life, and there was probably more reasons for that beyond just the piercing gazes of the crowd huddled around them. "You want to know why I left? I left because I finally opened my eyes to the truth." She turned a steely gaze back onto Lairiel.

"And I didn't tell you because I couldn't risk those bastards using you to get to me." She held her stare for several moments, swallowing uncomfortably. "If you're here to kill me, just get it over with." Mila hoped that some rational part of Lairiel was still awake behind those incensed eyes. Some part that hadn't been fully consumed by the anger and would keep her from taking that final plunge. If she wouldn't see reason though, if it really had to come to that... she didn't want to think of it. Even though the possibility was all too real.

 

[Sierrien]

The pressure of her boot seemed to get an answer out of her former teacher, and before her anger boiled completely out of control and in to a murderous rage as well. Right now it was just anger, which was much easier to deal with. She kept her face impassively angry as Mila gave a rather short explanation for why she had left and why she had left Lairiel behind as well. A single sentence for each didn't seem to do the betrayal justice in her mind. But Mila had hinted at an explanation, which meant there could be one worth listening to. She wouldn't get it if she killed the woman right here, though.

She noticed Mila looking around and did the same; naturally they were drawing quite the crowd. This wasn't the best place for this. She leaned over then, placing more pressure with that boot as her free hand darted in. She knew Mila pretty well, or thought she had at least, so knowing the location of her lightsaber shouldn't be too difficult, and the threat of her own being already lit and in Mila's face meant she could pretty well just grab it. She stepped off of Mila then, motioning with her own saber for her to stand. "I haven't decided on killing you or not yet. We're going for a walk. Don't try anything stupid."

She waited for Mila to stand before shifting in behind the woman, the business end of Mila's own lightsaber meant to be pressed to her back against her spine. If that worked out she would deactivate her own lightsaber and press with Mila's to get her moving, walking away from the crowd they had gathered and then out of the store. If they were still walking, Lairiel would be guiding them towards the hangar. "You owe me a better explanation than that." Perhaps she really didn't, but as long as Lairiel was holding both lightsabers she was pretty sure she got to make the rules. That's what having power was all about, and why it was so intoxicating for most who tasted it. For her right now it meant that she could press for something that Mila likely never would have given to her straight her while she was a Sith; the truth.

 

[Gamov]

The attention their antics had garnered seemed to inspire a change of heart in Lairiel, or at the very least sparked a flicker of common sense in the back of her rage addled mind. The girl may have been able to get away with murder simply on the virtue of her allegiances, but if such had been her intentions, Mila was pretty sure she wouldn't have lived this long. There had been plenty of opportunities in the past minute alone for her to make good on her threats; nevermind the initial attack that had managed to catch her flat footed. But whether it was a desire for information or the confusion of moment that had kept that saber from lurching forward, she couldn't say - something was keeping her from following through.

Wincing a bit as Lairiel leaned in to relieve her of her saber, Mila stood as she was directed to and allowed herself to be marched off beneath the leering gazes of dozens of dumbstruck civilians. She was over feeling humiliated, for the most part anyway. It still wounded her pride to be treated like some common criminal, but she was feeling overall relieved by the situation. Maybe not the circumstances, mind you, but even as Lairiel seethed and prodded her forward, she was actually glad to see her old apprentice again. Once free from the prying eyes of the crowds, Mila was confronted with that same damning "why" again. Only this time she got the distinct impression that her answer may not be granted the same leniency as it had been before.

"Alright, I suppose you have earned a right to the truth." She sniffed at the taste of blood on the back of her tongue, dabbing a stray speck from her nose on a gloved hand. "After Naboo, I couldn't process the brutality and carnage I had seen. Hundreds, thousands of lives snuffed out in the blink of an eye, and for what? Call it weakness if you must, call me a a failure if it makes you feel any better. But can you tell me what it was all for?" The conviction behind her confession couldn't be mistaken for anything other than genuine as Mila's gaze sharpened and fixed on Lairiel, something almost accusatory in the way she spoke as if to redirect the guilt back to its source. "We were taught... I taught you... that being a Sith meant we possessed something special that no other creature could. An inborn gift that gave us the power, hell the right, to take what we pleased and never have to apologize for our actions."

A few measured steps shortened the distance between them as Mila's expression softened with her words. "But they are wrong, Lairiel. What is the point of having that gift if all you are going to use it for is to bring death and despair? You can say I had a crisis of conscience if it helps you process that any better, but ask yourself what you accomplished that day." She resisted the urge to shake her head, already writing any kind of rational response off. If she knew Lairiel, then her response was likely to be a recitation of some Sith teaching that had been drilled into her head at the academy; just some mindless mantra that gives people like her the illusion of power when all it does is shackle them to a corrupt Order that should have died our centuries ago. "As for what I said about not telling you when I left, that was the truth. You were a liability, a loose end that the Sith could have used to track me down. But for what it's worth, I am sorry."

There were probably a hundred ways should could have taken control of this situation by now. A dozen different Force powers she could have used to turn the tables and send Lairiel back to her Sith masters with her metaphorical tail between her legs. But Mila didn't do any of that. She knew that all of these idle threats and tersely worded demands were just desperate grabs for the control that Lairiel had always craved. Giving her a little room to work out the anger by lending her control over the circumstances would hopefully temper her rage and give her a moment or two to reflect on just where her state of mind was right now. She was a rational girl, but when strong emotions were introduced she tended to lose herself in them - it had always been something of a stumbling block for her when she was still Mila's apprentice. But they were usually able to work through those moments. Usually...

 

[Sierrien]

They made it to a quietly empty area of the Hangar without any incedents; having both sabers seemed to be having the effect she had expected. And it only took a few moments of them being alone before Mila started to give her a better explanation of the 'why' she had asked on the first place, now that it wasn't quite so vague a question. She certainly wasn't expecting Mila to bring up naboo and what had happened there. What had she accomplished there? Her jaw set as Mila went on with her explanation. So everything she had been taught - and a fair amount of that came from Mila herself - was wrong?

And then there it was again. She was a loose end, a liability. After all their time together, that was the summation she was given of her worth to Mila. Nothing more than someone who might get her killed, best discarded just as she had been. Slowly her jaw unclenched so that she could speak clearly. "What did I accomplish on naboo. You should know, since what I -did- was what you told me to. How would I know what it was all for? I was hardly privy to the meetings of the higher echelons of the Sith. I'm not strong enough for any of them to even sneeze in my direction. And as for using my power to just bring death and despair - is that really what you think of when you think of me?" She shifted on the spot, her form restless enough that she had to fight the urge to start pacing. She couldn't be sure Mila wouldn't try something if she did that, though.

Instead she gave a shake of her head and continued speaking. "If the galaxy would just fall in line and accept the rule of the Empress, there wouldn't be a need for all the killing and pain. They are a necessary evil so that the galaxy can become unified and whole. It is the rebels and the jedi who are to blame, at the heart of it. Their existence necessitates the use of extreme measures to ensure the survival of the galaxy." Well, it was certainly an academy-driven speech she was making; perhaps it was made mainly due to her youth. She certainly looked like she believed it. "But all of that aside - I trusted you, looked up to you. Even loved you. But when it came down to it, I see now that all I ever was to you was some student who briefly entertained you; barely worth the time of day and certainly not a friend." Her anger was fading fast, being replaced by a depreszion that felt like a huge weight on her shoulders. Her head turned to the side, looking away from Mila. "I came here to kill you. I don't think I can stomach it right now."

Her body turned to match her head then and she took a few steps to the side before leaning her head forward against the wall she had come up to. After a moment she let Mila's saber drop from her hand to the ground, then let it roll away from her conpletely. "Take it and go, then. Get away from this liabity. Quickly now, before the rage comes back and I attack you for real." She wasn't so sure the rage would come back, but she also didn't want to seem quite so weak as she felt just right then.

 

[Gamov]

It was hard to say exactly how she felt when Lairiel finally worked up the nerve to respond. Her answers smacked of a well rehearsed mantra that had diluted her thinking along the narrow path of servitude to a flawed ideology. It was disheartening at the very least, disappointing at best. Regret took hold fairly quickly after that, watching her former apprentice avert her gaze as she admitted the true depths of her feelings out loud. The revelation practically floored the former Crusader, her eyes blinking several times in disbelief as she tried to wrap her head around what she had just heard. Lairiel had... loved her? Was that what all of this was about? The tortured heart of some hormone addled teenager who had taken things to a strange new realm in her own mind?

It would certainly explain why the girl hadn't simply driven a lightsaber through her back.

The clatter of her saber rolling across the floor brought clarity back to Mila's swirling thoughts. She hesitated to retrieve the weapon at first, her eyes still fixed on Lairiel, lips parted in anticipation for the words that would never come. What was she supposed to say to something like that? Sorry felt more like a condemnation than a consolation. Extending a hand, she gently summoned her saber from the floor, slipping it back beneath her coat before finally finding the will to speak. "I... had no idea it was like that for you." Shock had since given way to a kind of awkward guilt that played on every uneasy word. Secretly, Mila was chastising herself for being so direct; in hindsight, maybe referring to her former apprentice as a "liability" hadn't exactly been the best choice.

"I never meant to give you the impression that you meant nothing to me." There was obvious hesitation in her movements as she took a few cautious steps forward. "You were more than just 'some student', you were... are a good friend. But more than that, you're a good person, Lairiel." Mila's gaze roamed absently over her for a moment, a sense of pity and frustration setting in as she tried to comprehend every facet of the moment. "I won't blame you if you don't believe me, but I thought it would have been easier for you to hate me for leaving than it would have been for you to torture yourself obsessing over something that might have been."

The next words already felt uncomfortable. Almost to the point of making her fidget in place anxiously, but they needed to be said. For Lairiel's sake. "But now I realize that I was wrong. I should have given you the benefit of at least a goodbye, you earned that much." Apologies were not something Mila enjoyed, for obvious reasons, but this was one of those times where she had to swallow her pride and do what was best for a friend. "You aren't a liability, you never were. I was the one that failed." A gentle hand on the girl's shoulder would hopefully reassure her. Or it could ignite the fuse that had been smoldering since they met. The tension that had built within the brevity of the past few moments was all but palpable.

 

[Sierrien]

The soft-spoken words didn't seem to have much of an affect on Lairiel's mood; the younger woman didn't even look towards Mila as the former Crusader fumbled over her words and tried to take back what she had said. But she had already said it, and Lairiel wasn't in a very forgiving mood at the moment. Things like what she now said she 'should' have done, and even calling her a good person when even she knew that she wasn't. Perhaps compared to most other Sith she almost could be, but there was a definite darkness in her as well. She had killed before, and not all of them had deserved it. "Once you let the darkness in... you can never get it out again." Her voice was low; she seemed more to be reciting some teaching rather than speaking to Mila for the moment. But then her eyes finally shifted towards Mila when the hand came down on to her shoulder.

Mila's hand would be quick to discover just how high strung it made Lairiel in that moment. Like a now drawn taut or perhaps a cat about to pounce - the younger woman's firm tightened in an instant that threatened to cause a violent explosion. Yet it didn't happen right away. Perhaps it was lingering feelings or Mila's admission of guilt that stopped it from realizing motion, but it was likely clear that the smallest thing could set lairiel off right now. And they weren't done talking, so that tension in Lairiel and in the air as well wasn't likely to go anywhere.

"I.. I see. I had always suspected you did not feel the same as I did." Her eyes studied Mila, confirming what she had just heard the woman say..of course she hadn't; if Lairiel was being honest with herself, she had always known that. She had consciously overlooked it because she was content to just be close to the woman and learn from her. It wasn't the relationship she wanted, but it was a pleasant substitute. But now Mila had left the Sith, and that pleasant substitute was no longer an option. "I don't want to be your friend." She wasn't being very fair, she knew. Or at least some small part of her knew. The majority of her didn't care; Mila was one of the very few she had been able to get close to without the voices haunting her. And Mila had left her anyways. "Even if that makes us enemies."

She saw no other way; at least she was being openly honest for once. It didn't taste quite right, truth be told.

 

[Gamov]

She didn't need the Force to feel the tension Lairiel carried with her, but if the roiling emotions behind her pointed stares were any indication of the deeper turmoils simmering under the surface, Mila considered herself lucky to have made it this far. Especially after everything that had been said. "We don't have to be enemies, not if you don't want us to be." There was probably no way to convince her what she said next was anything but sincere, but she had to try. "I am sorry if I gave you any false impressions, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you or what happens to you." The irony in those words was thick and it already felt like they had fallen flat. If she cared, why had she left in the first place...

Shaking the thoughts aside, Mila pressed beyond the unpleasant sentiments beginning to churn in her mind. "I don't want to be your enemy, Lairiel. In fact, I outright refuse to." She paused, considering her next words very carefully. "And on some level, I have to believe that you feel that too." Fastening her gaze on the girl, she had to hope there was some rational part of her shouting loud enough through the confusion and anger to find reason in her words. "You've had every opportunity here to kill me... and I could hardly blame you for wanting to. But the fact that you haven't proves you aren't like the rest of those bloodthirsty bastards in the Order."

She probably had no right to even entertain the next few thoughts that popped into her head, what right did she have to ask this of Lairiel? None, if she was being perfectly honest. But it was still worth a shot. "Look, I probably have no right to bring this up, but... I don't want things to end like this. I'd like you to consider coming with me." Mila would be lying if she didn't feel a little anxious about whatever the answer might be, but she tried to hide that behind an impassive expression. In truth, of course, it would be a crushing defeat for the former Crusader if her offer was thrown back in her face. This is what vulnerability felt like, and she hated it.

 

[Sierrien]

Mila's words stilled her; she almost felt like time had stopped as she stood there, waiting for an answer to her own impossible demands that her screwed up mind had decided it wanted. So as Mila denied those demands, it almost seemed to take forever t her. She could feel the stretch between each heartbeat, her head starting to feel like she was deep underwater. And she needed up for air. Dimly she heard Mila tell her that she refused to be an enemy, and felt that lairiel was thinking the same. Now it felt like she was at the bottom of a well and the words took their time traveling to her.

She wanted to deny those words, to prove them wrong. She was strong enough to kill Mila, to turn the feelings she had in to pure hate and deliver that fatal blow. Mila was just another person that had betrayed and abandoned her; just another voice in her head. Another among the multitude that had suddenly started to flood her mind, telling her to just kill the Crusader and be done with it, or else she would just be betrayed again. "Shut up!" She hissed, her head turning away from both the wall and Mila - her voice was loud enough to carry, yet it was low and she seemed to be directing it off to the side she was now looking at, instead of at Mila.

But then time seemed to snap back to normal, and her mind processed what she had just heard. Mila had asked her to consider... going with her? Lairiel frowned - she had no idea where Mila was going, how could she consider going with her? Yet here she was considering it, the option to put things back like they had been before. At least that seemed to be what Mila was offering. Slowly her head turned to look at Mila, eyes all but boring in to the woman. It would take a few moments, but finally her features would start to soften as the voices quieted themselves down. "Where are you going?" She asked, her voice low but curious, which would likely be a good sign that she would at least listen to what Mila was offering here.

 

[Gamov]

"I... don't know." She confessed, meeting Lairiel's gaze with a trenchant stare. "But wherever that place may be, it's going to be far away from the Sith." The silent self-condemnation that had slipped the girl's lips hadn't escaped her noticed, but Mila allowed the moment to pass without comment out of respect. Her apprentice's struggles were no secret, but no wasn't the time nor place to confront them. "If it's any consolation, I'm not against the Imperium. More than anything I'd love to see it flourish, but it can't do that with the Sith."

A heavy sigh broke the silence as Mila anxiously bit at the inside of her lower lip. "I'm not asking you to fight, and I'm not demanding your unconditional loyalty. I don't deserve to ask that of you after what's happened." She swallowed uncomfortably against the nervous lump forming in her throat, her eyes almost transfixed on the Arkanian as if to make the plea for forgiveness that her words were falling short of. "All I want to do is show you that there is another way. You don't have to live your life in misery." She doubted that things would ever be able to go back to the way they were, but the soft expression on Lairiel's face provided the faintest glimmer of hope that there would at least be a chance to start over.

"For what it's worth, I know what it feels like to be treated like an inconvenience and cast aside." She hadn't thought about the struggles of her own childhood in some years, and truth be told it didn't bother her as much as it used to. But the memories were still raw. "But I also know what it feels like to find that one opportunity that can change your life. At the risk of sounding cliche... I believe this is your moment." Mila resisted the subconscious urge to anxiously wring her hands as she waited for Lairiel's response. Whatever the answer may be, she was as ready as she could be.

 

[Sierrien]

Lairiel couldn't believe what she had just heard. Mila had no idea where she was going or what she was going to do - in fact, it sounded to her like the entire gist of the so-called 'plan' was simply that she was going to oppose the Sith. She even spoke of the imperium as a separate entity, as if it could exist without the Sith. And Mila wanted her to follow blindly? She wasn't sure she could do that, even with her obvious feelings for the woman. She added on that she didn't expect Lairiel to fight, likely due to the uncertainty crossing over Lairiel's features, and then said that she didn't have to live her life in misery. But that was because she didn't know, or at the very least didn't understand what it was like.

She claimed to know what it felt like to be discarded; that made her feel worse instead of better. Now she knew that Mila had discarded her despite knowing how it would make her feel? It certainly wasn't helping her mood. Mila concluded by saying she felt this was the opportunity for Lairiel to change her life. By taking a blind leap of faith to follow a woman who had deserted her to an unknown end. Only an insane person would even consider taking Mila up on an offer like this. And even though she was actually insane, the rational part of her mind almost won out instantly and had her turn to leave. It was the voices alone that stopped her - but not what they were saying. Instead it was what they weren't saying, that blissful quiet she had grown so used to and dependent on when she stayed near the Crusader.

Or former Crusader, now. But it still seemed to be enough to quiet the voices. Certainly not a good reason to entertain such a foolish non-plan, yet here she was hesitating and rationalizing in her head. She wasn't strong enough to just walk away. "I don't think I can go back to before you." She let out, bluntly. It wasn't a good reason, and she knew it - regretted it - but all she could do was agree. "I just..." She hesitated. Even now that Mila wasn't a Sith, she could barely bring herself to admit such a weakness. "Need them to be quiet."

 

[Gamov]

Mila could hardly begin to fathom the full depths of Lairiel's emotions, all the turmoil, betrayal and vulnerability she must be going through. It was nearly enough to break the former Cursader's impassive facade beneath a sudden pang of guilt... nearly. A slow, even breath sighed out in the silence that followed kept her own mental barriers in place, even as Lairiel confessed to the weaknesses in herself, however quiet and painful that admission may have been for her. "We can work on that in time. The way we should have before..." She didn't like saying "I left you"; it rang true and only served to remind her just how selfish she had been.

"Have they been bothering you more than usual?" It was a dumb question, of course they had. Mila just wasn't sure what to say here anymore. She wasn't used to admitting failure. It tasted bitter.

"Have you been doing any of the meditation techniques I showed you?" She cringed visibly at the question. It sounded like an attack more than a genuine question. "What I mean is, do they help at all?" That question felt even dumber than the first. Obviously nothing and no one had been helping Lairiel with the voices since she left - and Mila couldn't quite tell if she was feeling more pity for Lairiel, or admonishment for herself at the moment. Probably a healthy mix of both actually, but it was a little difficult to sort emotions right now.

 

[Sierrien]

She had all but tied a noose around her neck and offered it to Mila to hang her with there; perhaps it spoke of how not sith-like Mila had become. The old Mila would have probably choked her out again for an admission like that, at least in lairiel's mind she would have. Yet here she was saying they could work on it and even showing concern. And then Mila opened her mouth again and asked if they were worse than usual. She gave the woman an incredulous look that said something along the lines of 'OF COURSE THEY HAVE YOU KNIT'. She had pretty much just said that they had! Everything she knew about Mila told her the woman was much more intelligent than this. Something was wrong, or at least different with the woman.

Her look softened as she was asked two more questions - one that made it sound like it was her own fault if they were getting worse (and she almost leapt across the brief gap to attack Mila in that moment) though the second was what softened her look as she came to understand. Mila was feeling guilty and trying to make it better somehow. Perhaps by pointing out how much she had tried to help lairiel in the past. She didn't seem to realize that all of the good she had done had been destroyed by the tidal wave of abandonment.

"Nothing helps." She put it out there in the open, not even trying to hide it anymore. After dealing with it in secret for so long and not even telling Mila exactly how bad it was, it felt good to finally be entirely honest. "They want me to kill. Anyone and everyone who talks to me too much or tries to get close to me. They day that if I let them get close, they'll just abandon me and hurt me again. And they say it about everyone... except you. They never warned me about you. They liked you. They thought you were different." She left the finish of that thought unspoken, but it was clearly written out. It seems they were wrong.

 

[Gamov]

"I wish you had..." She caught herself with a short sigh and a gentle shake of her head; the last thing she needed to do was sound like she was attacking the poor girl. "I didn't know it was that bad." And how could she have known otherwise? Certainly they had spent a fair deal of time together, but nothing had ever given her the impression that Lairiel's condition was beyond manageable. There were a few tells here and there that had given her brief glimpses and insights, but nothing to suggest that their relationship had made any meaningful difference. Mila's head was swimming now. Everything felt more complicated than it probably was, and in some small way this was all somehow easier to deal with when Lairiel was trying to kill her. "How's that for perspective?" She quietly chided, gently rubbing her temples as she eked out a soft groan.

Her eyes refocused as she swallowed against the uncomfortably dry scratch at the back of her throat. Mila wasn't used to the idea of someone else having feelings for her, much less depending on her. It all felt so foreign. Clearing her throat as she took a few tentative steps forward, her gaze wandered beyond Lairiel briefly, scanning their surroundings before locking back on the girl. "I can't promise you a cure, but..." She reached out to gently take her apprentice's hand, tensing slightly as she did so. Human contact was well beyond her comfort zone, even this small gesture was enough to leave her struggling against the reflexive urge to recoil instinctively. "I can promise that I will try everything in my power to help you."

Uncomfortable silence ate away at her in the moments that followed, a cold sweat threatening to break the skin of her brow before Mila forced out a nervous laugh to break the unbearable tension. "Unless I die, obviously. I can't help you if I'm dead." Her sense of humor had always been macabre, and not terribly appreciated. But there was a slim hope that Lairiel hadn't forgotten it for her anger in the months during their separation. Clearing her throat again, she addressed the issue more seriously. "But whatever you need, I'll be there. I won't leave you alone. Not again."