You, and Then There's Me

[Arda Breaux]

Medical Cruiser, Outer Rim

Perhaps going out the evening before was still too much, Arda was certainly much sorer than when she had returned from Korriban. The nurses were also not pleased to hear the news of what happened and the doctor ordered additional bed rest in order to give time for her wounds to heal as well as the new bruises she had obtained from the bar fight. She laid quietly on the bed, back in the itchy white medical robes, her right ear rested against the pillow leaving the room in complete silence as her eyes traced the purple flowers she painted on the wall.

She didn't like resting, it left her time to think and sometimes her thoughts, the painful ones mostly would return with full force, reminding her quickly of the pain she endured in the past few weeks. She hated it and wanted to forget, but Arda had the feeling that was not going to happen. Even more, were the thoughts of her Jedi training, she felt like the months she had spent with Aurora were wasted and it was hard to know what was truth and what could have been lies from the woman who cowardly left her behind.

Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply, trying to calm the more invasive thoughts that left her body tense and in turn made everything hurt even more. She remembered her mother once telling her she should allow herself to feel the pain after the death of her younger siblings, but that pain felt different from what she felt now and she was unsure why that was or how soon things would start to feel as they once were.

@Nefieslab

 

[Castor Chumeda Volante]

"Hey."

Castor didn't bother knocking because Arda probably already knew it was him. Either because she sensed him in the Force or because one of the Nurses had told her about him having been here. Castor had hauled himself halfway across the Galaxy when he heard that Arda had been recovered and had arrived the night before.

He had given the nurses quite the fright when he had gone around demanding to know where she was when it had turned out that she had checked herself out of her hospital bed to go somewhere. Castor had gone away to settle down and the nurses had given him a call to let her know that she was back.

And here he was, standing in the doorway to her medbay room, dressed in loose, casual, clothes without his lightsabers or anything else. The only thing of importance he had on him right now was the bracelet that she had given him before.

Moving quietly across the room, Castor pulled up a chair beside her bedside and sat down facing her. He reached out gently for one of her hands and regardless if he held it or not he would speak.

"... I missed you." he whispered quietly, "When they told me that... that you were gone... I didn't know how to react. They forbade me from going after you. Said it was in hand."

He looked her in the eyes.

"I'm glad you're back Arda."

There was... so much more to say.

So much more that he felt about all of this but he couldn't say it, not yet. He couldn't just launch into those kinds of things and besides; he was enjoying just having her back.

@GABA

 

[Arda Breaux]

She felt a familiar presence that nearly felt like ages since she had last felt it and when he entered the room, the Jedi propped herself up, grinning at her guest. "Cas!" she slowly pressed herself upwards, the pain in her back was still bothersome and never did she realize was how many muscles seemed to interact in that one spot on her back. He pulled up a chair next to her bedside and the girl sat cross-legged near the edge, letting him take her hand. His touch was soothing, bringing her comfort as he spoke, she watched his blue eyes speak just as much as his words as she could tell he was holding back and Arda frowned in thought.

"I didn't think I was going to come back." she told him, but what she didn't tell him was how she almost refused to go back when Valentine had entered her cell. She wasn't sure at the time if it had to deal with the disbelief he was there or if the whole ordeal with her Master had just broken her just that much.

"I didn't think anyone would come and get me." Arda bowed her head, watching herself anxiously rub Castor's callous palm before she let go, feeling the memories of the Jedi Master turning her back on her, leaving her to die at the hands of the Sith. She didn't want to think about this now and felt frustrated the memories kept returning and each time was just as hard as the last to relive them.

"Everything is still just surreal, Cas, I just don't know how to make sense of any of it without feeling pain." she explained, "Even to hear you say you're glad to have me back, I should feel relieved, happy, but, the pain, is it going to stop?" Arda asked softly.

@Nefieslab

 

[Castor Chumeda Volante]

There were few things that could get through Castor's emotional defenses these days but one thing that managed to cut him to the quick was Arda in this much pain. The fact that seeing her in this kind of pain meant more to him than himself being in similar amounts of pain meant something and he was certain that he knew what it meant but he wasn't quite ready to fully accept what that would mean for the rest of his life.

He squeezed her hand softly in his own.

"Of course we were always going to come for you, Arda." he assured her quietly, looking her in the eyes as he clarified, "I would never have stopped searching for you, Arda Breaux. Never."

It was a promise and he knew exactly where the passion to make such a promise came from but admitting to that was something else entirely. Then she looked back at him and asked him one of the hardest questions he had ever heard someone ask him and he took a deep breath.

Because he knew the answer... and he would not hide it from her.

"No." he told her with a soft, faint, smile, "The pain never goes away. What they do to you...? It stays with you. It always has with me and if that changes? I'll let you know."

He reached up and cupped her cheek gently with his hand.

"But the pain is... secondary. It might always be there but that's fine. That's alright." he told her, his thumb lightly stroking her soft skin, "Our pain becomes our scars and our scars define us far more than our softness, than our victories. And when the pain is still raw and fresh... we drown it out with everything else. Acceptance. Happiness."

Castor smiled faintly.

"Affection. Friendship. Love." He chuckled weakly, "Sounds corny as hell doesn't it? But it works to pull you back up from that place they left you in, that hole you crawl into just to stay sane, stay alive. Gives you something else to live for."

@GABA

 

[Arda Breaux]

Her Master had said the same thing, that she wouldn't ever leave her behind, she was important, but what Nar Shaddaa demonstrated, it wasn't the case. It was hard for the padawan to rationalize it, to give it sense and it frustrated her. Castor cupped her cheek and Arda placed her hand on top of his own to hold it there, his touch was soothing, but his words were not comforting, to get used to the pain sounded defeating, perhaps it was his own experience speaking, but a part of her felt frustrated that it just didn't seem like the answer that would fix it all.

He gave a faint smile and Arda smiled back, "It is corny as hell, Cas." she spoke finally. She was uncertain if he understood really where she was coming from in all of this, she felt he was speaking from his experiences as a Sith, where pain and emotions were embraced and they stemmed from those he learned to despise. This, though, this was the pain she had from someone who was supposed to be held to a higher standard, to be compassionate, endearing, competent in what they knew, a respected Jedi Master. Her eyes fell on the bracelet she had given him and the story of the warrior echoed in her thoughts. She couldn't recall of one where the gods had actually forsaken the warrior to his enemies and she could hear the echoes of the Elders as she skimmed through her memories as she tried to remember, but nothing was coming to mind.

"Maybe it will just take time." she said unsure if she was referencing to her own thoughts or to what Castor just told her, "I feel like I am starting from scratch," she frowned, trying to find the words that meant how she felt, "I feel as though I have lost everything," which was almost true, in a material sense, "an unwelcome cleansing and now I am picking up the pieces..." she explained.

@Nefieslab

 

[Castor Chumeda Volante]

Yeah, it was corny as hell.

Castor wasn't someone who had a wealth of experience in dealing with things like this it had to be said and this was the first time he was needing to give comfort to someone he genuinely cared about in over ten years. The last person he'd comforted had been his ten year old sister - and he had also been ten at the time. When you were ten, literally anything that wasn't selfish was basically adorable and comforting.

He wasn't doing so well here and he knew it, even without being able to sense her shifting emotional state as he was able to. Shaking his head a little bit he continued to smile faintly at her.

"Yeah well... I'm not good with things like this." he admitted, smirking ever so slightly, "I tried to watch a romance holo to get some ideas. Fell asleep five minutes in."

He genuinely had.

Perhaps he was the kind of person who learned and grew in that area with more experience? He was under the impression that it couldn't hurt. Castor grimaced and looked down for a moment as he thought about what she said. In the end he shook his head slightly.

"I can't tell you any answers, not really." he admitted quietly, "All I can do is be here for you. Now... you don't have to believe that I'm going to be here for you, Arda, because I'm going to show it to you until you can't help but believe me. Now come on."

Standing, he held out a hand for her to take.

"I've got something to show you and I think you could do without the medbay bed - Force knows being stuck in bed didn't do me any favors. So come on! Up!"

@GABA

 

[Arda Breaux]

Arda's grin grew wider as he admitted he had watched a few minutes of a romance holo to get an idea of how to approach this. It felt good to know she wasn't the only one who got their tips from holo-wood romance and their sometimes over the top tactics to win over their mate. He wasn't sure how to follow up, she could clearly see in his eyes a mild defeat in his own understand as he reassured he would always be there for her. Arda's grin disappeared as she frowned, uncertain about that, she wondered if he saw how she was on Korriban if he would still be there for her, if he saw her at her weakest moments and how she tried to sway for her survival if he would think the same thing about her. Would he still care then, would she want him to still be at her side?

Doubts floated in her thoughts as he told her he wanted to show her something, she couldn't argue against, as she took every chance she could get to move about and get out of the medical bay. Arda took his hand as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed, sliding carefully onto the floor, wincing slightly to the muscles pulling in her back. She adjusted her robes and quickly tied her black hair into a bun behind her head as she would follow Castor, "The nurses will be displeased, I certainly did not make them happy to come back last night with a ripped stitch." she told Caster, biting her lip in order to keep in a smirk.

"So what are you going to show me?" she asked, following her fellow padawan.

@Nefieslab

 

[Castor Chumeda Volante]

It seemed that Castor was far from the only one to hate the medbay beds! Arda was just as eager to be up and out of them as he had been after his incident. He chuckled a little bit when she mentioned that she had ripped one of her stitches. Shaking his head, he gave her a mock stern look.

"Arda..." he teased playfully as he continued to lead her along by her hand before grimacing and admitting, "I can't really talk though. I left my most recent medbay visit at sprinting speed and ran away to do a mission I was so bored of looking up at the ceiling."

She seemed to be in a better mood just from moving and he was glad of it. He didn't really know how to make her happy yet but he wished that he did. The learning about each other was a process that he knew could be long and he treasured it usually but, for once, he wished that he already knew everything about her. For once he wished that he knew exactly what it would take to make her happy without having to go through the pleasure of knowing her well enough to simply know that.

He grinned a little bit, even if his cheeks did flush a little bit.

"I had faith that you would be back but I wanted to get you something." he admitted as he waved off the nurses and led her towards the hanger, towards his shuttle, "I wanted to get you something that was practical and something... well something from me. You have me your bracelet and it meant the world to me. Or it has come to mean the world to me at any rate."

Entering his shuttle, he let go of her hand as he rummaged around inside one of the storage lockers.

"A certain Shoulder Gremlin ( @Killa Ree ) helped me on Falleen... we stopped by a store..." he blushed brighter as he withdrew two small boxes, one longer than the other one. He presented them both to Arda, "... they're linked. The closer one is to the other, the warmer it gets. They are trackers that can only be tracked by each other. One for me and one for you... I'm never losing you again, Arda."

Spoiler: Longer Box

Necklace

Spoiler: Smaller Box

Bracelet

@GABA

 

[Arda Breaux]

The padawan's brow furrowed as he explained his own mishaps in the medical bay and the girl eyed him, her mouth opening to begun to question that story, but instead, she decided it was probably something she didn't need to know, or his poor choices would probably end up in a scolding as she knew she would displease by the event.

"Get me something?" she questioned, she didn't want anything nor did she need anything. They passed the nurses station and headed towards the hangar where his ship was waiting. "Cas..." she said quietly feeling her stomach turn with nervousness; he explained the bracelet that she had given him and how much it meant to him, he wanted to repay her from what she interpreted, but she didn't need repaying, she didn't want him to repay her.

When they arrived at the shuttle, he released her hand and she waited quietly, wrapping her arms around her self, feeling the chill of space that lingered in the shuttle chamber. Cas was searching for something inside, she could just catch the glimpse of his shadow before he came back out with a couple of boxes. She looked at the boxes and then back at him and shook her head. He explained what they were, the gesture was kind, too kind for Arda.

"You, you should have let me go, Cas." she didn't take the boxes and shook her head again, she didn't deserve such things, "What would have you done if I didn't come back? What if you knew that the rat that you knew was not the same one that stood here now?" Arda was uncertain of what had triggered this outburst, it was as though the dam of emotions broke and what came flooded out was the self-anger and shame she had been bottling inside.

"I wasn't strong enough, I put the whole Alliance at risk, I am undeserving of these, of you, of being a Jedi. Aurora was right in what she did, she saw something in me that didn't deserve any of this. I'm sorry Cas, I can't take it." she told him, taking a step back. She knew she was pushing him away, it was going to be the only way she would keep the Alliance safe, those who she loved safe from her naive mistakes. Arda withdrew back into herself; whatever brief happiness she had was gone, swallowed by the doubts that have grown stronger.

@Nefieslab

 

[Castor Chumeda Volante]

She didn't seem to want to accept what he had for her and he could understand why she felt that way but it didn't mean he was going to let her get away with turning it down. To be honest, she didn't have to be happy to accept it. Castor was giving her this for both of them to take some measure of comfort and security from and he wasn't going to apologise for it. When she told him that he should have let her go he looked her dead in the eyes.

"Well I didn't." he told her simply, almost bluntly, "And I am resolved to never let you go Arda. Do you understand? I'm not about to just let you go after you've come into my life and pushed me to change."

When she stepped back, Castor took a step forwards.

When she tried to draw back in on herself, Castor followed her and stayed right there with her. He stepped forward until her back would press against the wall of his shuttle. Leaning down, he touched her chin and angled her head upwards so that she was able to meet his eyes.

"You're not a rat. You're not weak. You're not undeserving."

He wasn't giving her a choice with his response - he was stating what he saw as facts and he didn't care if she didn't want to accept them as such because her not wanting to accept it didn't mean a damn thing. With his hand still on her chin, his thumb lightly brushed along the length of her lower lip.

"You are Arda Breaux and you're far more wonderful than you give yourself credit for."

Leaning in, Castor kissed her on the lips. He still had almost no experience giving such kisses but it didn't much matter. He kissed her and when he did, he opened himself up to her in the Force so that she could fell, could touch, his sincerity and his raw emotion as he kissed her, on hand cupping her cheek and the other looping his arm around her lower back.

@GABA

 

[Arda Breaux]

His blunt response was like a knife, to be bothered was an understatement and now more than ever, she wanted him to let her go more than emotionally as he stepped forward, backing her into the wall of the ship's hull. She wanted him to stop, she needed to breathe, her heart was racing and panic was beginning to set in. He claimed he couldn't let her go because she pushed him to change, she wanted to argue, to tell him it was his doing, but rational thought was quickly fading as now he was validating her doubts, she still felt like a rat, albeit now a trapped one.

His body was pressed against her and Arda winced as she felt the pressure against her wounds, his thumb brushed against her lip, "Cas stop." she told him, his hand still cupped on her chin and she closed her eyes tightly, praying for him to just listen to her, to understand what she was feeling. "Cas-" he had leaned in to kiss her and Arda reacted, shoving him sharply with the aid of the Force, it would be like a punch to the gut. She didn't want to feel him, she didn't want him to kiss her or to give her gifts, she just wanted him to understand her, to listen what she was telling him and he refused to do so.

She felt betrayed, hurt, and most importantly scared, "I said STOP!" she shouted at him, stumbling some as she tried to put as much distance between them as possible.

@Malon @Nefieslab

 

[Greybok]

A hard lurch put an end to the encounter as a big woolly hand seized Castor by the collar of his shirt and ripped him free of Arda, dragging him backwards before slinging him across the shuttle bay floor. This action was punctuated by a loud and furious roar that could only have possibly originated from a Wookiee. Greybok had been heading to the medical bay to check on Arda when he passed the shuttle bay, heard the commotion, and then saw what was happening.

The Wookiee general was already halfway across the shuttle bay when the young Padawan's cries to stop rang out, and Greybok's next action was motivated out of a surge of protectiveness. This Padawan had been through enough already; she didn't need to be physically accosted on top of everything else. The Wookiee's brown-gold eyes were molten with furry.

«Return to your cabin, now!» the Wookiee general snapped in his native tongue. Even one inexperienced in Shyriiwook would at least know to clear the shuttle bay by the tone of Greybok's snarls and the way his black lips curled back to reveal rows of jagged teeth. Then, for good measure, he added, «I'll deal with you shortly.»

Greybok then turned back to Arda. The girl was quite clearly petrified. No surprise there, given all that she had been through in recent weeks. His tone was softer—more akin to a dog's barks—when he addressed the Padawan. «Are you hurt, Arda?» He beckoned to her to step forward, but he made no move to touch her. She had made it plain that she needed her space. «Come. Let's get you back to the med-bay.»

He would escort her back personally and then he would very sternly instruct the nurses that she was to have no further visitors without his personal approval. @GABA

/end thread