Ask Yavin IV Within and Without

[Severus Creed]

Severus sat patiently in the dense jungles of Yavin IV, waiting for the Grandmaster, herself, as she had wanted to talk to him about something. Severus wouldn't give up a single opportunity to meet with and discuss with the Grandmaster. The wisdom she held was like no other and her guidance could make the best Jedi even better. She had been their for Severus when no one else was- she rescued him from slavery in the Coruscant underworlds. Alexandria Voran was like that super cool aunt that came over ever now and then. Sometimes Severus felt like she was also the closest thing he had to a mother figure, given how shitty his actual parents were.

In the end, when Severus really thought about it, he was loyal to the Order, but if Alex left for some reason- mainly just as a hypothetical statement -he would leave, too. Now, Severus does not follow blindly, but he believed that whatever reason Alex would have for leaving, Severus and probably most of the other Jedi would agree with her sentiment and probably end up joining her. She was a great messiah for many, and though Severus didn't worship her or any individual, he wanted to be just like her when he'd grew up to be as great a Jedi as her one day.

The black-clad Padawan thought about his training session with Alym- how he had faced his fears, and what he did to conquer them. He simply recited the names of the people in his life that stood up for him and with him in some shape or form. He considered Jacata Lurel to be his best friend and the redheaded mute, Elidan, was starting to really grow on him. He hadn't had much time to spend with Zana or Varyn, but Severus thought of the two as good acquaintances in the very least. Those people, including Alex of course, were the people that get Severus back on his feet to shatter the malicious illusions around him that day.

Now, he wondered what Alex had to say to him- what the Grandmaster wanted to speak about. Maybe she was going to assign him a master- he had been needing one desperately. He was sick of training with other less experienced Padawans, when it came to fencing and using the Force especially. Severus felt stuck, as if he couldn't progress any more, and maybe that was due to him not having a legitimate teacher to guide him that knew more about the galaxy than he did.
Severus was kind of hoping Alex had come to do a little bit of everything- teach him, and maybe assign him a master. If she was to assign him a master, he crossed his fingers and bet the Sith lightsaber hidden away under his bed that she'd take him to learn under her wing.

But for now, he could only wait for her arrival in silence...

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

The Force hummed through Alex. It was her constant companion, the Light flowed through her like wind through the jungle. To the Grandmaster, the Force was breathing…but her mind was distracted. The Galactic Senate had been a disaster. One of her own makings but that did not make acceptance easier. There were agendas and undercurrents she had not fully understood. One guiding principal was clear. Those people in that room did not care about anyone but themselves. The downtrodden of the galaxy were only pawns in their game. They wanted power…and the Senate gave them power. Alex had underestimated how strong of that need was.

Her thoughts churned while she walked. Her personal troubles did not pause her responsibilities. She did have work to do. She must remain focused. Eventually, Alex’s path took her deeper into the jungle where Severus waited. His presence in the Force was immediately notable. The young student was in need of a lesson but perhaps not the lesson he expected. Her mind sunk deeper in the Light…Darkness clanged against her soul. Alex could not stop the frown. Corruption. Why would the young Padawan keep a corrupted kyber crystal? The Grandmaster carefully smoothed her feature. Her mind a blank pool in the Force. Alex’s voice was soft as she spoke.

“Severus…” She would wait until he turned to look at her. “You should not have that crystal.” Corrupted kyber was dangerous in the hands of the most confident Jedi Knights. A Padawan had no business carrying such a weapon. The Dark side sought all avenues of corruption and darkened kyber was certainly one path. No one would have lent it to the young man. “Where did you find it?” Her tone remained soft. Alex was not the inquisition and harshly pushing served no one.

@Charles

 

[Severus Creed]

Severus was taken aback by the sudden statement of concern. He had sensed her coming, but he wasn't expecting that to be their conversation starter. "On...On Taris...I beat the man who wielded it...so...I took it. I-I know it's bad...But I've withstood it. I want to help it- I've been doing research on purified blades." Severus wasn't hurt by her comment- she was the Grandmaster, of all people. If there was anyone here that needed to be listened to, it was Alex. Still, Severus felt very defensive about his trophy that he had almost died to get.

"You know...I didn't like fighting him. Not because of the Dark Side- I'm not afraid of the Dark Side. I didn't want to kill him...I'm actually not sure what became of him, to be honest." Severus actually would've used the Dark Side if Alex told him to do so. He knew that no else would've been brave enough. He believed that the Sith didn't have to be enemies. There was just as much power in using the Dark Side and staving off the corruption as there was power in simply withstanding it all together. Why did know one else see this? Severus hated war. He hated bloodshed.

"I can give it to you, if that's what you want- but please don't get rid of it. I want to save the crystal more than anything. I just...lack the knowledge. You have to understand...I would only join the Sith if you asked me to." He said, finally turning around to face her. He meant every word as well- he didn't care how the other Padawans treated him or the way people glared at him when he walked through the temple corridors. He would never leave the Order no matter how many cat-calls were made concerning the clothing he wore. It was just black. Severus thought it was childish that they all seemed to care more about his appearance than preforming the duties of the Jedi- a mistake Severus wouldn't make as he progressed within the order.

"I did...think about that though...leaving the Order. I've always thought about it...but it's my home. I'm not leaving, or going bad, or anything- I swear." He looked apologetic, not because of the kyber crystal he had in that cursed lightsaber hilt- but because he knew that he was lying to himself- to Alexandria. He had been feeling the pull of the Dark Side ever sense he was little. The memory of him almost killing his own parents on Zeltros flashed into his head. He felt it...the crackling power of the Dark Side racing for his finger tips to electrocute the bastards that had given him up to be a tortured slave.

Yet...he didn't use that power and left without saying a word. Those two didn't deserve his time.

But the Sith lightsaber did.

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Alex was always in control. Her mind, and the Force, did not wonder. Severus would sense only the placid of her thoughts. Beneath those waters she was shocked. The words that tumbled from the young Jedi sent a cold hand tracing her spine. How had she missed this? These were words no Padawan should speak…let alone the undercurrent slinking under. Alex was rarely lost for words but here she struggled. “I would never ask a Jedi to willingly join the Sith or brush the Darkness.” She kept her tone soft while she spoke. “No Padawan should have to bear the burden of that crystal…it could corrupt even the most stalwart of us.” There were Shadows who carried Sith sabers but only for select missions and never for any serious length of time. Alex would never allow a Padawan to carry such a thing. They were dangerous.

“Give me the saber.” She held out her hand. “It will not be destroyed. The kyber is hurting and it must be healed. That is our duty.” The Morellian Jedi shook her head slowly. “But it is a skill beyond you…not forever...but right now.” Her thoughts twisted as she tried to decide on her next course. “To heal the kyber you must be wholly committed to the Light…there can be no doubt or hesitation.” She paused. “Otherwise, you cannot drive the Darkness out.” Why would he think she would ask him to join the Empire? Alex had considered double agents. A foolish thought. Even the perfect Shadows she would not ask this of. The risk was too great...the power of the Darkside too absolute.

“Severus, this is your home? Why would you leave?” They asked too much of the Padawans. Perhaps she could carry some of the burden that seemed to weight down the young man.

@Charles

 

[Severus Creed]

This conversation made Severus feel smaller and smaller. Alex did seem surprisingly calm about this, which helped manage his own rising stress, but hidden between her words Severus could tell she wasn't very okay with what Severus had just explained. The Grandmaster had made it sound, however, like Severus was just like every other Padawan- he wasn't.

"I'm not like the others..." He muttered to himself sheepishly. Then, Alex demanded for the saber.

There was a long pause. Severus very hesitantly looked at her open hand and listened to her words of wisdom. He gripped the hilt of the silver and black lightsaber, the edges laced with bits of gold, and dropped it into her hands. Severus almost felt infinitely better- but something dark still lingered and the sleeping beast within him held one eye open while it slept.

Wholly committed? Severus felt like he was always struggling with the Dark Side- even before he came across the bleeding crystal. He had felt it while being tortured as a child- he used it on his abusers. Maybe Alex was right about the crystal's slow corruption. He remembered the day Thelian had crushed his lungs and flung him into the water. Sev wanted to crush his throat and watch him dance as a paralytic macabre before him...but he silenced those thoughts and stayed around Jacata who continued to calm his being.

Had certain people not been there on that beach, that situation could've exploded into something much worse than a polar plunge.

“Severus, this is your home? Why would you leave?”

There were a million reasons in his head that he was too ashamed of saying out loud. So instead of speaking...he utilized his skill with telepathy and showed her how he felt; The stares and glares from other members in order as he passed them by in the hallway. The name calling and repititious teasing from the other Padawans saying 'Severus Creep' over and over as if he couldn't hear them. The times where he had tried making an effort with others, but was only shunned, screamed at, launched into a lake, or all of them all at once.

"Sometimes I wonder if I fit in elsewhere." He said undeterred and without remorse. Severus hated that thought so much, but everyday it drifted it's way into his head. So he might as well accept it. "I think...sometimes, that I'm cut out for something different. The Dark Side has...always been with me. Ever since Coruscant. I can't seem to drive it out- and I think that's why everyone doesn't like to bother with me. Because they feel it. Because they don't see a Jedi when they look at me. Because they're weak, and can't control their emotions." It had explained Clove's freak-out on the beach and the reason why she couldn't even bother to look him in the eye. She avoided him because he reminded her of the Sith.

That brought only sorrow to the boy's heart, a sorrow that he wasn't able to keep hidden from the Grandmaster. "Sometimes I do leave. I escape and go elsewhere in the galaxy to collect things for my experiments and studies. Yavin is my home...I think. Grandmaster, sometimes I feel that..." How was he supposed to finish that sentence? If I were a Sith I would've been greater than I ever was? "...maybe, I could leave. For you. For the Order- I have thought about it for a while...I think I'm strong enough for it, too, or the only one willing to do it, anyway." He was not talking about simply leaving the Order and Severus knew Alex, of all people, would know what he was trying to say.

"I'm a good liar. There isn't a secret I can't keep, too. You know that. With Alym Marr's help...I could learn to completely shut off my mind- something I've been doing since I was a child." Severus had a feeling there'd be a special kind of consequence for what he was saying, but he mostly just needed to get it out that he didn't feel like he was becoming much of a Jedi.

"I'm...content on not participating in this kind of ordeal, but...I...I don't know. Maybe I just feel that I'm stuck, and that I don't know how else to progress. Maybe you were right about that crystal and it's made me a little crazy." He said sheepishly.

Maybe I can't call myself a Jedi.

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Severus’ meaning was clear. Silence hung in the air. The Grandmaster was momentarily stunned. This young man was unequivocally offering for a task he could not possibly understand. Alex and Drow had that dark conversation on Ifrane. The two Masters had thrown a hundred ideas against the wall. Could they plant a spy within the Sith? Who could it be? Only the most controlled of their Order without a shred of doubt. Not a 17-year-old Padawan. Ultimately, it was decided such a plan was far too dangerous. What she sensed from Severus know concerned her greatly. Alex’s voice remained calm and soft. At her core, she was still a teacher. She tucked the saber away and spoke.

“No.” She shook her head slowly. “I know what you’re asking, and the answer remains no.” Her eyes met his. “You are young, learning, and still finding yourself.” Her voice shifted to more firm. “We have considered this before and decided it is too dangerous for even our wisest Jedi Masters. I could not…would not…ever send a Padawan on such a mission.” It was too dangerous. She did not allow Padawans to sniff the Shadows. To them it was a fantasy. “We all struggle growing up. The Force does not magically take away our pain or make us understand the universe.” Alex had fought the Darkness within herself after Max died. It was a test they all faced.

“You’re all still understanding who you are…and I know how difficult that may be. We ask you to be grow into adults while protecting the galaxy. It is not easy.” She took a step forward. Alex could sense the turmoil boiling inside Severus. “You must trust me and trust your teachers. This pain is temporary, and you do belong here. It just takes time.” Her concern for Severus was growing. Never before had she experienced such consternation from a Padawan.

@Charles

 

[Severus Creed]

The words from the Grandmaster stung a bit while Severus listened. Some of the awe was good- the fact Alex continued to reassure him that he belonged among the others in the Order was comforting, no doubt. The rest of the shock came from the firm tone she gave when she had denied Sev's proposition.

He nodded solemnly, but kept his gaze on the ground towards his feet. Embarrassment kept him from looking at Alexandria.
"I understand." He said quietly. "There have been times where I could've refrained from...using certain emotions in battle, but...it gets harder and harder to stop myself. It's almost like an addiction. The more I fight this caged beast inside me...the more hungry it gets." He explained, his tone a lot sadder than how it had started. Severus felt that the reason why he couldn't progress was because he was stuck with the luring Dark Side deep inside him.

There was so much pain, hate, and fear inside the teenager and though he thought he was managing better than the other Padawans, Severus was using the Dark Side- even if it was just to get an edge in battle and the usage was only in small increments. Severus was still guilty of using that dark and taboo power.

"I hope you understand that I do love the Order, and I greatly appreciate you wanting me to stay- I want to as well. But...It hurts standing next to you." He said, flinching a bit as the words came out of his mouth. "Whatever this thing is inside me- it hurts! It hurts when I push the feelings off, it hurts when I refuse to give in, but it still hurts when I stand in the light." He explained, stuttering a bit while spoke. Trusting the other masters was difficult for him as well, mainly because he felt their light eclipse his own. Though he was a Padawan and he knew he wasn't as experienced, he couldn't help but notice the caged beast inside him howl with rage when it was exposed to this enveloping light- like the way it was churning inside him now with Alex.

"I've tried getting it out...but I can't. There's so much anger inside me...and it's becoming easier to bridle my passion, but I feel like it's only prolonging the inevitable. I don't know how to explain it. But that was where that first thought came from. About leaving. I'm not sure how much of this torture I can take." He wanted to be a Jedi Councilor one day- that had been his dream since he was adopted into the Order by Alex herself. It seemed that the kyber crystal had done more damage than Severus thought it did, and he felt like it was going to be a lot harder for him to become a Jedi Knight. He was willing to work, however, and he knew that sometimes the easy path wasn't the right path. If there was something the Grandmaster could offer him to work on, he'd do it. No matter how bad it hurt.

If his pain really was temporary as she had explained, then he could suffer a little longer.

"I don't know what to do." He said worriedly, finally tilting his head up to look at Alex, his eyes reflecting more irritation than concern.

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Her job was not meant to be easy. The Force did not gift them with infinite wisdom. Oh, she could accomplish incredible feats with the Light by her side…but that did not make her wise. She may catch a glimpse of the future here or there, but that did not make her wise. In these moments of turmoil, Alex had nothing to rely on but herself. Decades of a hard life lived. A life Severus could not begin to imagine. “Severus…” She paused.

“You seek a shorter path that does not exist.” The Grandmaster’s tone never changed. Her voice was as gentle as always. “You could leave tomorrow and follow this path you believe calls you…it would lead only to more pain, suffering, and destruction.” She took a small step forward. “There are no easy answers. We are not all perfectly formed Jedi without a hint of shadow in our souls.” She slowly lowered her mental walls. “We work at it and for some it is more difficult. That does not make you destined for Darkness.” Alex slowly shook her head.

“Some Jedi are better suited for a harder life. To do the things that must be done so the rest may live firmly in the Light.” The thoughts of the Shadows were locked away in her mind. “Do I think you are suited for such a life? No.” The Shadows required strict…perfect control. Severus was all over the place. “But in time, if you wish, you might find yourself ready for such a task.” She raised a hand and held out a finger. “I must make myself clear. You must finish your training before any such consideration is given. You’re young…live your life.” She implored him to see just how young he was. “Let me help you understand what path you’re one.” Alex was here to help. It was her singular purpose in life.

@Charles

 

[Severus Creed]

Severus closed his eyes for a few seconds, calming his nerves before reopening them to look at Alex.

His entire life had been "hard" and the fact that she thought he could handle himself really bugged him and made the hairs on the back of his neck bristle. With his right hand, he grasped the end of his sleeve and pulled it up to his elbow, revealing all of the several Crimson Dawn crests that had been burned into his skin.

"This is my life." He hissed. "It follows me around like a lost puppy- but it isn't a puppy. It's a damn Krayt Dragon. Every mark has a tale- every mark reminds me of the huge shadow I cast everywhere I go. I choose to live with it because I don't have another choice. I can't simply forget it, and the only thing I've learned from it is that fact that the darkness will always be apart of me." Severus couldn't believe she doubted him. He trusted her infinitely, but he found that loyalty wavering.

"I was born into this life, Alexandria. Sold to it and bought by it." Severus stated as he pulled his sleeve back up to his wrists- there were more all over his body, but Alex already knew that.

Then, came the topic of finishing his training. Severus was almost an adept learner in four lightsaber combat styles, has been studying and improving his abilities with the Force- surpassing most of the kids his age. But what Severus knew was holding him back from becoming a Knight was the fact that he couldn't shake off the shackles he felt his soul was bound to.

"Then show me." He said blatantly and unimpressed. "And I'm not that young. You're one hundred years old. I would assume everything would be young for you. You're timeless- you can wait. I can't. So show me the path you think will help and I'll decide if I have time for it. I feel like it's running out- and I think you feel it, too."

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Patience was a virtue. A piece many young Jedi found difficult. In her age and mastery of the Force Alex’s tolerance was a vast ocean…but…even the Grandmaster had limits. Her singular duty was to protect life in the galaxy and those who fought to preserve it. First, her responsibility to life and second the Jedi. She took a deep breath through her nostrils. He is a boy. No matter what he claimed, Severus was seventeen. By any standards, still very young. He did not know of what he spoke. “Did I ask you to forget your past?” Alex raised an eyebrow. “Did I tell you it did not matter?” She shook her head slowly.

“Our pasts shape all of us and you are not the only one who endured unimaginable pain and suffering.” The Force began to flow from the Morellian Jedi. Her strength was unmatched by any in the Order. “I was born in a gutter on Corellian. The first twenty years of my life I was starving, beaten, barely clinging to life. Do you think that does not cause me pain?” Her hand reached out as the Force continued to build. A bright inferno on Yavin. “Do you think your classmates have not suffered? Have you asked them what they endured? Clove, Thielen and the others….are your pains somehow better than theirs?”

Alex shook her head again. “What foolishness.” The Force roared inside Alex. The full brunt of her connection to the Light now obvious. “You’re suffering and the darkness it brings are real. You are not the first, nor the last, to feel the pull. If you do not wish to be defined by your past, I will show you how.” The plants around them began to move. She commanded the jungle. “Do not disrespect your peers. I am a century old, and you are seventeen. Your life is just beginning, and I have already lived much of mine.” Her power in the Force was undeniable. “Take my help or don’t…but I will not sit here and watch you throw away your life.” The jungle moved as it obeyed her commands.

@Charles

 

[Severus Creed]

Severus no longer felt bigger than the Grandmaster- a foolish and despicable thought.

Her light eclipsed his own as she channeled the Force into something so unimaginable that it caused the monster inside him to howl with pain instead of rage. It was so pure...so powerful...everything Severus had dreamed of when first joined the Order. A dream, now more than ever, that he knew couldn't be achieved.

Every word Alexandria spoke felt like a needle going through his lungs. She was right to put him in his place, and Severus looked away from her accordingly and shut his eyes. It wasn't fair for him to put himself above the suffering of his friends- like Clove. The girl he loved and sought to be beside. At the mention of Thelian, he grit his teeth in anger, but stopped himself from doing anything stupid. That kid was almost just like Severus, no matter how much he dreaded the thought.

"Don't kill me..." He muttered fearfully, forgetting who stood in front of him. He abruptly shut his mouth and his eyes opened- he had ignited his cross-guard lightsaber and held it in his starting position, but quickly shut it off and dropped the hilt where he stood.

Severus gulped.

It was how he felt when he was around any of the masters. His beast inside him felt like that was about to happen- that she was going to strike him down where he stood, but simply saying those words brought Severus back to reality.

He dropped back to his knees, and kept his eyes glued to Grandmaster Voran's feet.

"Forgive me, master." He mustered out weakly as the jungle moved and swayed around them. There was so much conflict inside the boy, and he wanted to rid himself of it so desperately- whether that meant succumbing to the Dark Side or not.

"Let me fall. I'd do it for the Order! For you. For Clove- I'd do anything for her. Teach me...please. Then I will make my decision." He pleaded with her through telepathy as he didn't have the gull to speak aloud. Severus wanted to leave and run away. He wanted to run and never look back- to never feel, to just be in a constant state of motion undeterred by the entire galaxy. But that was what his darkness wanted- Severus simply wished he was next to Clove right now.

@Valen Pelora

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Alex stood still. Her control never wavering as suffered washed through Severus. She stayed standing as his saber flashed to life. The Grandmaster shook her head sadly. She only ever wanted peace for her students. She had truly hoped to help Severus find that peace…but the young man before her was selfish. He thought only of himself and his own path. Alex could not afford to foster such a failing. Sadness radiated in her voice when she spoke. Her words were for the young Jedi to hear. She had no secrets to whisper into his mind. “It is not my forgiveness you should seek.” Alex remained where she was, purposefully unmoving. “You are right that I am old, and my life moves slowly. I can withstand whatever insults are hurled my way.” Finally, she took a step back. Not in fear but so that she could better see Severus.

“You have harmed your fellow Jedi, your classmates, and your friends.” Alex took a deep breath. “I cannot understand what you ask, and you are certainly not ready for what you believe.” She shook her head. “Severus…this is not a punishment but a chance to heal.” The steel left her voice. “Make amends with your fellow students and when you have, find me and we will speak again.” The Force continued to roar inside the Morellian Jedi.

“I will not train you while that selfishness gnaws at you heart.” Alex turned to leave. The Force rumbled inside her. This path was uncertain. “Apologize for the mistakes you have made…take accountability for your actions. Then we shall see if you are ready.” She had nothing else to say. Severus was not ready. Of that, she was certain. Alex tapped a few instructions on her datapad. The Temple Guard would keep an eye on the boy. He was no danger to others, but he may be to himself. No under her Temple.

@Charles

 

[Severus Creed]

Severus only nodded.

She was right.

He was a coward. A selfish one at that.

"I will." He promised sheepishly to the Grandmaster of not only the Jedi- but of the Force itself. Alexandria's words suddenly began to make sense to Severus thanks to the growing guilt inside his mind and soul. There was no way he was ready to do something so secretive and so detrimental for the Jedi. For Alex.

The Dark Side had clouded him and led him to believe that no one would think he was ready or powerful enough when in reality, he wasn't ready nor strong enough for such a job. The gravity of the situation was made clear after she told him to go and apologize- something Severus wasn't sure how to do at first. He would start with Clove and make more of an effort with her to be her friend. Maybe he could get to know Elidan, Zana, and Varyn a little better to begin an improved and more full-proof bond with them as well.

The problem came with Thelian. Severus loathed that Echani ever since there little interaction on the beaches of Chandrila. Severus stood up to face Alex, his face contorted with confusion.

"What about...What about Thelian? I don't...think I want to make amends with him. He should be apologizing to me." Severus challenged.

@Valen Pelora