Do you recognize me? A ghostly image in a wavering pool. Dark circles under her eyes, yellow glinting in the iris. A crooked smile curling up her face. I’m you. She stared into her reflection. Her own pale face staring back. The future? A future. The one path she sought to avoid. Alex had ignored that little corner of her soul for too long. The forgotten box where she kept the suffering of her failures, the ache of her losses. Better to forget them than to feel. They had festering. Slowly influencing her decision making. Clouding her judgment. Creating that ghost she saw in the mirror. A path she would walk if Alex failed to face her demons.
Yavin had not broken the Order, but they were pushed to the brink. Arrests and assassinations tugged at her mind. They would need to be ready. She would need to be ready. She could not serve if that black corner remained. They needed the best of her. The demons would hold sway in her heart no longer. You are not who I am…who I am meant to be.
The words felt hollow. You won’t be rid of me that easily. And she wouldn’t. What held her back? Loss was a part of life. She mourned and she moved on. She missed all those that were gone but they did not hold her back. Fear. She knew it was fear.
Fear of failure. It drove deep into her heart, despite her brave face. That was what festered in her heart. And it will take you home to me. That crooked smile and that ghastly image. Alex slowly shook her head. No. No. She would face that fear and banish from her heart. They needed her. Now more than ever.