To Punch a Wookie in the Mouth

[Jack Graves]

This was stupid. What was he doing. Jack had made many a mistake in his life, mainly involving marriage or the purchase of nerf. This however was in a class of its own. Wookie's were known galaxy wide for one thing and one thing only. It wasn't building cities, or guiding tours, or painting happy little trees for Holocasts. No, these adorable furry creatures had a lovely reputation of offering limb removal services free of charge. While Jack Graves had heard anecdotally that they weren't 'so bad' that was a far cry from being a comfort of course because in that case maybe they just ripped off one limb. Oh goodie.

So what, might you ask, was the decision so poor made by a bounty hunter so jovially slacked on holiday liquor? Well, he took a look at the biggest. The toughest. The orneriest Wookie in the village he was shacked up in and thought to himself, 'Oh yeah, I can take him'. As it were that intoxicated decision making was a blessing and a curse as when he pointed to the one he wished to challenge he missed his particular Wookie by a hair, which was actually by a lot in Wookie measurement.

Unaware of this the now unnecessarily shirtless man bounced from foot to foot waiting to fight the hairy Goliath,

"Come on you big hairy hair-haver, let me show you how the chocolate is made"

This statement made no sense for several reasons not including that it was said in a disturbingly racist accent.

Gork, the Wookie who invited him to this gathering was embarrassed. Jack was much cooler sober, but the bounty hunter assumed the opposite. Fists up and body hair weird and springy, the focused man was ready to get it.

@Rexx

 

[The Storyteller]

Harrnhadrrl could drink, but he didn’t think he’d ever been as drunk as this smallfoot had been. Harrnha looked at Gork, who shrugged and grumbled to him. The massive Wookiee, dark brown of hair and rippling with lean muscle, looked back at the very drunk man before him who was suddenly without a shirt, exposing so much skin for someone so tiny and so very wasted. They’d had to water the stuff down to 10% for the small ones to drink it.

"Ynnnakrrauhgraaughnarrfagrrragrrrlrrkarynnrkrrfakrrrgraga." Harrnhadrrl spoke in challenging, jovial Shyriiwook to the jeers of several of his fellows. He had no intention of losing a duel of honor to this drunken fellow; he was the biggest and the strongest of his family and this human wasn’t about to take that away from him. Harrnhadrrl put his hands to his head, twisting his neck to crack the vertebrae audibly as he loosened up to give Jack Graves the beatdown of his life.

 

[Jack Graves]

This hairy monkey ape just insulted his Aunt Moana. He hated his Aunt Moana more than anyone in the galaxy except his wife, himself, a county clerk named Steve McSheckel, and the system, but no one talked shit about her but him. Jack didn't care if there were six of him he was going to punch this Wookie in his cookie.

"For Aunt Moana" he attempted to yell, but in the end it sort of came out as a gurgle followed by flatulence. Clearly choreographing his attack with a cartoon-like wind up, the drunken dad listened to the Wookie crack his neck. Foolish hairy man you have now paralyzed yourself. How will you pay for your tree house in a wheelchair? Seeing as Harrnhadrrl did not immediately fall over dead or quadriplegic it appeared Jack was incorrect in his initial assessment, or at least he would be until he put Harblegarlbgr in a tree hospital.

Rushing forward Jack attempted to fool his foe by spreading his arms as if hugging him. Instead he would attempt to wrap his arms around the big hairy lug and squeeze him tightly showing affection. What a dastardly plan!

@Rexx