The Vanguard
- Thread starter Red Cloud
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- Sep 11, 2010
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Alright, so I have a couple of things I would like to touch upon:
Lizards breed a number of ways. They can breed sexually or asexually; they can lay eggs or produce live young (See here for more information).
I would like to see a little bit more specifics here. Use discretion, obviously; we don't need the birds and the bees. Simply specifying exactly how they reproduce (example: are they oviparous, ovoviviparous, viviparous, etc.) would do the trick. The link I provided you will tell you what those words mean, just incase you are unfamiliar wit them.
Some questions that immediately come to mind when I read this:
To fix the issues with this section, I'd focus on that all-important question: "How?" Elaborate by telling us a bit more about them. Tell us about their homeworld and why it is an environment that requires them to be powerful, to have high endurance, to have four eyes and arms, and to be skilled (cunning, creative) warriors.
This does a little bit to tell us why the Vanguard are such hostile people, but I'd give a little more detail here (maybe consider doing a planet write-up?) to help us understand more about the advantages and disadvantages of these peoples. It would also allow you to flesh out their history a little bit more, which would be welcome, even though your history section is okay at the moment.
The last issue I wanted to bring up is much more minor. The name "Vanguard" sounds more like a nickname given to them by outsiders, rather than a species name in general. Since you noted that they come from a planet called "Van," why not just call them the Van? Many species name their homeworlds after themselves, so that would be perfectly okay. You don't have to do this, as it is only a suggestion.
Let me know when you've addressed some of these issues and I'll take another look! @Red Cloud
Lizards breed a number of ways. They can breed sexually or asexually; they can lay eggs or produce live young (See here for more information).
I would like to see a little bit more specifics here. Use discretion, obviously; we don't need the birds and the bees. Simply specifying exactly how they reproduce (example: are they oviparous, ovoviviparous, viviparous, etc.) would do the trick. The link I provided you will tell you what those words mean, just incase you are unfamiliar wit them.
Some questions that immediately come to mind when I read this:
1. Power =/= Endurance. How are they powerful? Specifically what do you mean by Olympian-level endurance?
2. How do they able to survive day-to-day on their planet? (Simply saying that they have power and high endurance doesn't tell us how and why they are able to survive on their homeworld.)
3. "Four arms and four eyes also have their advantages as well." Yes, but they also have their disadvantages too. So, I return to my previous question: how do these features work to their advantage?
4. The last two sentences give rise to similar questions.
2. How do they able to survive day-to-day on their planet? (Simply saying that they have power and high endurance doesn't tell us how and why they are able to survive on their homeworld.)
3. "Four arms and four eyes also have their advantages as well." Yes, but they also have their disadvantages too. So, I return to my previous question: how do these features work to their advantage?
4. The last two sentences give rise to similar questions.
To fix the issues with this section, I'd focus on that all-important question: "How?" Elaborate by telling us a bit more about them. Tell us about their homeworld and why it is an environment that requires them to be powerful, to have high endurance, to have four eyes and arms, and to be skilled (cunning, creative) warriors.
This does a little bit to tell us why the Vanguard are such hostile people, but I'd give a little more detail here (maybe consider doing a planet write-up?) to help us understand more about the advantages and disadvantages of these peoples. It would also allow you to flesh out their history a little bit more, which would be welcome, even though your history section is okay at the moment.
* * *
The last issue I wanted to bring up is much more minor. The name "Vanguard" sounds more like a nickname given to them by outsiders, rather than a species name in general. Since you noted that they come from a planet called "Van," why not just call them the Van? Many species name their homeworlds after themselves, so that would be perfectly okay. You don't have to do this, as it is only a suggestion.
Let me know when you've addressed some of these issues and I'll take another look! @Red Cloud