The Essence of Control

[Cale]

Khaimov Tor had a problem. It was a problem recognised by his former masters, and one that could cause no end of trouble at some point down the line. Despite his discipline, he was angry. Not all the time, or at least, not consciously so, but he was filled with anger. There had been some incidents in the past, and he had almost failed his Trials because of it.

Because he flirted with the Dark Side.

Learning control and finding ways to manage and soothe his anger were going to be necessary if he were to continue in his role as a Jedi. So it was that he had come to Anoth to learn from the Grand Master herself how to keep himself in check.

 

[GABA]

Ebberla waited patiently for Khaimov to arrive to the council chambers. She stood in the center of the room, examining the damage caused by her and Jhon not too long ago. The shattered glass windows were tapped up, covered in plastic to prevent the elements from getting inside, portable illuminators brightened the room, the chairs laid scattered about that were sacrificed in Jhon's destructive Force repulse.

She narrowed her eyes, looking at the larger glass shards that were imbedded in the wall in front of her, and thanked the Force she wasn't impaled by one of them. Though she did carry some of the smaller, thinner pieces still inbedded in her skin, the thought of them still there caused her to wince, but she regained her composure as Khaimov entered the chambers.

The Grand Master gave Khaimov a small grin, her hands relaxing on her hips as she greeted him, "Good day Khaimov Tor. Well be visiting in here today, all the training rooms are full." she explained, slightly annoyed she couldn't get a training, but with the heightened risk at Arbra, many Jedi were arriving at Anoth, filling the halls quicker than anticipated, "So explain to me again, what is going on?" she asked.

 

[Cale]

The half-destroyed council chambers were always a little bit of a shock to Khaimov. He had been off-world at the time of the battle between the two masters, but though rumours had spread amongst the Temple, it had not prepared him for the side of the plastic, the portable illuminators, or the toppled seats. He blinked in surprise and then scratched his beard before turning his attention to the Grand Master and her questions.

"It is the same problem I struggle with every time, Grand Master. The uncomfortably easy step into the darkness. All I have to do is let go."

Khai's anger problems had once seen him put a fellow jedi through a wall during an argument. The poor fellow had simply been playing devil's advocate, but that still had managed to infuriate the giant Kiffar.

"There's also the matter of the Sith. I lost control during that fight, and let my anger guide me. It was nearly overwhelming."

 

[GABA]

Ebberla has heard this concern one too many times from Jedi of all ages and ranks, it was something still left in the aura of confusion as Jedi learned to balance what is light and dark, what is considered their limit as compared to those around them. Ebb crossed her arms, shifting to one foot, taking her weight off the other as she got more comfortable in her stance.

"Is it really a step into darkness, or is it just an illusion of concern that you create for yourself?" Ebberla asked him, forcing the Knight to think about it some, "Anger just like any other emotion is a part of us, we are not immune to it, nor should we ever try to prevent ourselves from letting our anger surface. You can be angry, have angry thoughts, but its when you decide to act in that anger, is when you are treading a darker path." explained the Grand master.

"We will slip up, let ourselves act out in our anger, even the greatest of the Jedi have lost themselves in it." Ebb extended her arms, motioning from what had happened in the council chambers, "However, instead of dwelling on the mistakes we have made, we look back and learn from them. We ask ourselves, why did I become so angry? Once we know why, then we can learn to become better Jedi. Understand?" she asked him.

 

[Cale]

This really was Khaimov's greatest contribution to suffering - his own and other peoples. The anger built up inside him until it exploded at what were often minor offences. Then he tortured himself over losing that control. And the cycle repeated, over and over. His mother and his master had drilled into him that Control was everything. To let it slip was the greatest of sins. So it was that the Grand Master's questions caught him by surprise.

He opened his mouth to speak, and then stopped, closed in and frowned as he wrestled with the problem.

Pressing his hands flat together, he bowed his head and tapped at his forehead with the two index fingers. Tapping became rubbing as he continued thinking in silence. The circular pattern was obvious to him. The question of why he was angry was an easy one to answer. The question of why it caused such an explosion in him was less so. That was what required focus and understanding. It was not a question that was going to be answered quickly. Unless you read the first paragraph of this response, which Khaimov had not done.

"Based on your words, Grand Master" He began, slowly "I would state that it was a step into the darkness. When my anger takes hold, I act, often violently. Usually it is in response to some perceived injustice, or the assault on one who might be considered defenseless. It is always..." He trailed off as dots began to connect inside that uncomfortably self-aware mind.

"It is never the result of the latest infraction. When I grow truly angry, it is disproportionate to the offense that has triggered it. I bury my feelings, and they slowly congeal and grow until there is no other option aside from blind rage."

 

[GABA]

The Grand Master folded her arms and begun to circle Khai, listening to his explanation of his actions that would lead him to such violent outbursts. She didn't feel impressed or sympathetic to his story, she felt it should have been something that was focused on during his padawan training, but regardless, he will have to learn and unlearn what he knew if he expected to grow and overcome his own weaknesses. He had to overcome it, or better yet accept it, otherwise his enemies will use it against him, as they already have in past incidents with those closest to him.

"Why then, Khaimov? Why do you let yourself reach that point? Is it because you lack compassion, or perhaps sympathy for those who also may be in pain?" Ebberla questioned him, "Or do you believe your anger is your weakness and therefore you must submit to it?"

 

[Cale]

The accusations brought a sting of anger through the guilt, an indignation that she would dare accuse him of being unsympathetic. That she would say that he, of all people was lacking in compassion. This slave-driver of a woman who had shown no sympathy herself, but rather accused him of murder and sent him hunting a phantom. The anger built up with speed, but he grit his teeth and bit back any nasty comment, hearing his master's voice whisper "Subsume the anger. Bury it where it cannot hurt anyone."

He breathed in and out, trying to shove it back down, and then the rest of her words connected some dots and he slumped in revelation.

"I think you have just hit the nail on the head, Grand Master. Although not in the manner you were implying. I was taught that my anger is a weakness, that it needs to be buried away, and shoved down, and every time I give in, I am weak and worthless." He paused for a second. Elemia Kei was really a bad teacher, let's be honest. She messed up Vica, and look where that lead. She messed up Khai and he could pretty much walk a similar path. And then there was the third student. "I am giving my anger the chains it needs to bind me, and the tools it uses to control me. Rather than simply accepting it, I bury it away. I need to accept it, and let it flow through me, and be purged. Not simply bury it until I explode."

 

[GABA]

Ebb gave a small grin, "Good." She said stopping in front of Khai, "Anger, like love, or sadness, or joy, are all natural feelings, we shouldn't deny them." Ebb gave a small shrug, "Its pretty silly to think we should deny something so natural, we should feel all of these emotions, its ok. It doesn't make one weaker or stronger, I would think it would actually make us wiser." explained the Grand Master.

"Once we understand ourselves to why we would feel such a way, then we can help others who are in similar situations. The path of a peacekeeper, compassion and understanding, if we can understand ourselves, then we can better understand those around us."

Ebberla took a few steps back from Khai, her hands now folded behind her back, "Your anger doesn't necessary bind you Khaimov, it is the suffering you feel afterwards for using your anger that binds you. The self destructive circle of the Dark Side. You get angry, you bury it, you're attached to the idea that feeling angry is a weakness and you suffer. It builds until you act in your anger, and the cycle repeats itself as you become angry for even being angry." then Ebberla smirked.

"Funny thing, many Sith lose themselves to this process also." she said thinking back to her guidance under Darth Silentius.