The Dark Mistress

[Adore To Nowhere]

Through The Rabbit Hole

(Just follow the link above to find a rather extensive profile. Originally it was going to be written here but formatting got so damned difficult that I moved it all to a different thread. I'm eventually going to create a condensed version to be kept here, but until then the "Dossier" that I've created should be more than sufficient.)

*I'm currently updating Zisria's profile to bring it up to date after the five standard-year time skip*

 

[Adore To Nowhere]

@Wit
Someone suggested that I ask for your advice and feedback regarding my character's history with the Jedi. So if you've got the time I'd love to hear your opinion <3

 

[Simonev]

Cut

I like the character, but would uou please specify where the phrik is put in the brigandine, as just saying 30% could become a problem in pvp situation

 

[Adore To Nowhere]

I like the character, but would uou please specify where the phrik is put in the brigandine, as just saying 30% could become a problem in pvp situation

The percentages refer to the composition of the metal plates that are part of her armor, however I have specified where said metal plates are located.

 

[Flamjetxx]

I like the character, but would uou please specify where the phrik is put in the brigandine, as just saying 30% could become a problem in pvp situation

To add onto this for clarification: The 30% Phrik is difficult to determine how effective it is. From a PvP standpoint (which is the only reason anyone would care), having 30% Phrik would either be too little to stop a lightsaber blow to the armor all together, which is fine, but it would defeat the purpose really of having the phrik involved. However, if it is in fact determined to be enough to stop a lightsaber blade, having that kind of Phrik plating in the area of her entire torso isn't going to go well with profile admins. To keep it short, to make PvP fairer, admins have it so that you don't cover up any vitals, being the entire torso really.

However, I do think that you should have Phrik armor if you intend to PvP. My recommendation is to apply it to the hands/forearms as those are the most likely places to be struck by a lightsaber blade. However, I also recommend you go around and take a look at other folks' (preferably more experienced RPers of the site) profiles to get a feel for how they individually tackle the armor situation. I only say that because, although you can certainly describe your own armor, most people use a pre-established armor kept in our Tech Boards.

These armors tend to be more thorough and encompassing to your unseen needs. But it also means that the only thing you need to do is find the one you like best and link it in your profile so everyone can follow it and say, Ah, yes,' that is what they are wearing.

Here are some of my own recommendations for armor oriented around PvP and the more lithe characters:
UAI-19
MMCA
MK-5

Your other option is to make your own armor like you already have, but probably do a bit of research into what tech mods like to see so that you don't accidentally anger the Tech Gods.

Good Luck, and let me know if you need any more help!

 

[Dune]

this is insanely detailed well done. I certainly hope none of my characters meet them in a dark alley

 

[Adore To Nowhere]

Good Luck, and let me know if you need any more help!

It's interesting that this was brought up, and I actually have a response for it. Basically, 30% is NOT enough to fully stop a lightsaber, and instead it's used to benefit my character's high-speed combat style. Meaning that a single unlucky graze from the saber of another Jedi shouldn't be enough to stop me, but a direct blow would. (Sorry if I can't explain it properly, I hope you somewhat understand what I mean...)

 

[Flamjetxx]

It's interesting that this was brought up, and I actually have a response for it. Basically, 30% is NOT enough to fully stop a lightsaber, and instead it's used to benefit my character's high-speed combat style. Meaning that a single unlucky graze from the saber of another Jedi shouldn't be enough to stop me, but a direct blow would. (Sorry if I can't explain it properly, I hope you somewhat understand what I mean...)

If I'm being honest, I'm not sure how profile mods would decide on this, Although, you already know my own preference.
We should get someone in on this. @Gamov I'll let you stretch your legs on your first few days on the job ;)

 

[Gamov]

Hey there, @Adore To Nowhere. Welcome to the site!

It seems I was tagged to give this a closer look regarding your character's gear. Before I get to that though, there are a few points I'd like to bring up concerning the bio and skills. There was quite a bit to mull through here, so forgive the incoming wall 'o text. Not that having a lot to read is an issue of course. It's always nice to read such detailed profiles.

With that in mind, let's get started:

1) While normally there would be few issues with an Indie having a background with the Jedi, I feel your representation of her late Master is decidedly out of step with what could be considered reasonable. I don't feel that any Jedi, especially one holding the title of Master, would behave in the manner which you have depicted. And if they did, no doubt their tenure with the Order would be short lived. With that in mind, I would suggest finding an alternative means to tell that particular part of Zisiria's story that does not involve the Jedi.

1a) Further to that point: I would ask that you remove the parts that explicitly reference any sexual abuse. There's nothing too terribly wrong with the idea in and of itself (my Sith shares a similar background, in point of fact), but keeping such things "tongue in cheek" in your bio would be more appropriate than giving us a mental picture of the act. For instance, information such as the following isn't necessary:

It was then a few weeks after Zisria’s fifteenth birthday, after going through a year on constant abuse and consistent feeling of uncleanliness, that she would finally snap. After returning to the temple Jedi Master [REDACTED] had summoned Zisria to his chambers. In a scared and nervous manner she obeyed her Master’s order and entered his room. According to a retrieved journal written by Zisria Adama herself, shortly afterwards Master [REDACTED] began to violently rape her. A section from her previously mentioned journal states, “I just kept begging him to stop, but no matter how much I cried, how much I fought back, and how much I screamed...no one came to my rescue…that bastard deserved what he got.” The journal then goes in in gruesome detail before explaining the action that would lead to a series of unfortunate events. “After he had ‘finished’ for the second time he had decided to take a break. He simply tossed me aside like a toy a child had become bored with, and then walked outside for a few minutes. I just sat there with an empty mind, I was practically frozen, the only thing moving was the tears that wouldn’t stop dripping down my cheek. After he was done with his break he came back inside and grabbed me by the hair, ready for another round. I just couldn’t take it! I wasn’t going to let him do it again! Not again!” She then goes on to explain his mutilation in graphic detail, even going as far as to describe the sounds of his organs being crushed with the sheer might of her Force.

As this treads close to violating the site's rules concerning such content, my advice would be to make passing reference to this. Despite it being a focal point for how your character's psyche develops, it really isn't prudent to dwell on it for more than a sentence or two. There are other ways in which you can depict how this particular incident effected your character other than focusing on the incident itself.​

2) You will also likely need permission from Sith faction leadership (@Relent, @Malon) to clear the Sith in your backstory.

3) The [REDACTED] portions of her skills will need to be replaced with actual information. This is purely for the sake of fairness and balance should you ever enter into a PvP (Player vs. Player) scenario. I am comfortable with you leaving the [REDACTED] portions in her bio as others have done the same in the past.

4) Further on her skills: words like "prodigy", "legendary" and "god like" won't fly, I'm afraid. I understand the basic gist of your character - they are intelligent and often fall back on that as their greatest skill - but terms like those make it seem as if their intellect is infallible. I'd ask that you tone that down. Characters are meant to have flaws and make mistakes, that's how they grow. Doing anything to the contrary boarders on metagaming, to put it frankly.

5) Force powers. Just at a glance, I can already say that Sever Force will be a no go. Not only would it take the focus of a "Master level" character to properly execute, powers like that are reserved solely for major story events, and usually with a great deal of oversight and restriction to boot. Similarly, Force Destruction would have to go. Based on a quick read of the power, it's ability to "vaporize anyone who got too close" makes its use impractical in PvP scenarios where others must be allowed a reasonable defense against all attacks.

5a) As an aside to this point, if you haven't already, I would recommend reading our Guide to Force Powers to get a better feel for how the Force is handled here.​

And with those out of the way, I will address the questions about your gear.

For the most part, what @Simonev and @Flamjetxx have said hold true. Breaking down the composition of your armor into percentages only complicates matters more than necessary. The way armor is rated here is based on a "hits system", meaning a given piece of armor can sustain X number of hits (from blasters, vibroswords, lightsabers etc...) before being rendered useless. Saying your armor can take 1-2 glancing blows is fine, but listing out the percentages of the material composition is unnecessary.

On the topic of Phrik and/or Cortosis, while they are allowed for use in armor, they are usually reserved only for a few minor pieces (gauntlets, gorgets, shin guards, pauldrons, etc...) and not permitted on full chest plates. Additionally, your links to Nanoweave lead to an all together different wiki unrelated to Star Wars. I was able to chase down armor with the same name on the Star Wars wiki, but there is almost no information on it. That in mind, I'd ask you to remove the Nanoweave as you won't be allowed to transpose information from the Planetside wiki to suit your armor needs here.

Overall though, I would recommend choosing from one of the existing armors in our Technology Profiles board. You can note any special alterations (cosmetic or otherwise) your character may have made to it on their sheet. Just be sure to take note that the armor you choose is free for use and not a custom set made for a specific character.


Once you have addressed these points, let me know and I'll give your character another look.

Should you require any assistance or have any questions, please feel free to ask.

 

[Malon]

I'll take a look at this when I get home a little later (unless Relent beats me to it).

 

[Flamjetxx]

So the good news is that this is all pretty easy to fix @Adore To Nowhere . The bad news it that you are stuck with me staking you.

Remember to PM/VM any of us with questions. I will try to help you out as fast as I can respond.

 

[Logan]

I'll take a look at this when I get home a little later (unless Relent beats me to it).

 

[Wit]

I agree with Gamov that a Jedi would never act in the manner you have mentioned, particularly a Master. And beyond that the Jedi would most definitely vote in her favor in any such situation instead of blaming her and deciding to execute her. So I'm afraid the Jedi background needs a complete do-over.

 

[Adore To Nowhere]

I agree with Gamov that a Jedi would never act in the manner you have mentioned, particularly a Master. And beyond that the Jedi would most definitely vote in her favor in any such situation instead of blaming her and deciding to execute her. So I'm afraid the Jedi background needs a complete do-over.

Yeah, I'm working on revisions as we speak. What do you think about a Jedi Knight? If that doesn't work I think I'll just have to come up with something else.
P.S. I really appreciate the feedback.

 

[Mirdala Priest]

Another option is the Paladins of Mortis.
@Chask274 @Oncaro
They are a feudal society of force sensitives. Broke off from jedi long ago. I don't know the number or if it's any more likely one of these knights would do that...i don't know. One of those gentlemen can offer better insight.
Just another option.

 

[Wit]

Yeah, I'm working on revisions as we speak. What do you think about a Jedi Knight? If that doesn't work I think I'll just have to come up with something else.
P.S. I really appreciate the feedback.

Really glad you're open about these changes! Unfortunately I'm going to have to say in general what you're going for would be very un-Jedi like behavior. I know that you want this to be a driving force for why your character hates Jedi, so why not do something like this: replace the Jedi with a rogue Force user who tricks her into thinking he's a Jedi. That way you still get to paint her impression of the Jedi like you want to and not have to worry about being restricted by how an actual jedi would behave.

 

[Oncaro]

I was summoned. I was told there would be treats.

Where are the treats, Priest?!

Anyway, hi! I'm Oncaro, Faction Leader of the Paladins of Mortis.

First off... Yeah, literally everything Gamov said, I agree with. Furthermore, I highly recommend using more paragraph breaks, because you've got multiple walls of text that make things difficult to read.

Thirdly, to be perfectly honest, the Paladins would not be a good fit for this character for several reasons, the most important being that they have only just reemerged from millennia of isolation in the Unknown Regions and are heading toward a planet in Wild Space to call home.

Another reason is that though they have a feudal society, and abuses can happen (usually between nobility and lowborns), the relationships between Knights/Marshals and their Squires is not like a Jedi and their own apprentice, usually (Squires are usually noble children, and are allowed to keep in contact with their family and retinue, while simultaneously serving their Knight/Marshal in exchange for training to be a Knight), and due to how religiously-minded the Paladins are, any Knight or Marshal found to be abusing their Squire the way your character was abused would be summarily stripped of their rank, any titles they have, and likely even executed.

I agree with @Wit, if anything someone posing as a Jedi would be the one to abuse her in such a manner. No Force-sensitive seriously aligned with the Light Side would ever abuse another being like that.

 

[Adore To Nowhere]

@Wit
That would work I suppose. All I need is a force-user to make her build up enough hate to start leaning towards the Dark Side, thus creating a conflict between good and evil where good (the losing side) starts to manifest itself through maternal behavior. Would it be okay if I had her kidnapped by a rogue force user that leaned towards the dark side after having her mentor (a Jedi Knight) killed? By doing so I could make my character a more extreme version of what she is now by emphasizing her whole anti-force ideology. (Sort of like a "The Force is too dangerous to let continue..." sort of vibe)
*crosses fingers that no one makes an "order 66" joke*

 

[Wit]

@Wit
That would work I suppose. All I need is a force-user to make her build up enough hate to start leaning towards the Dark Side, thus creating a conflict between good and evil where good (the losing side) starts to manifest itself through maternal behavior. Would it be okay if I had her kidnapped by a rogue force user that leaned towards the dark side after having her mentor (a Jedi Knight) killed? By doing so I could make my character a more extreme version of what she is now by emphasizing her whole anti-force ideology. (Sort of like a "The Force is too dangerous to let continue..." sort of vibe)
*crosses fingers that no one makes an "order 66" joke*

Ya, that should be fine.

 

[Adore To Nowhere]

Hey there, @Adore To Nowhere. Welcome to the site!

It seems I was tagged to give this a closer look regarding your character's gear. Before I get to that though, there are a few points I'd like to bring up concerning the bio and skills. There was quite a bit to mull through here, so forgive the incoming wall 'o text. Not that having a lot to read is an issue of course. It's always nice to read such detailed profiles.

With that in mind, let's get started:

1) While normally there would be few issues with an Indie having a background with the Jedi, I feel your representation of her late Master is decidedly out of step with what could be considered reasonable. I don't feel that any Jedi, especially one holding the title of Master, would behave in the manner which you have depicted. And if they did, no doubt their tenure with the Order would be short lived. With that in mind, I would suggest finding an alternative means to tell that particular part of Zisiria's story that does not involve the Jedi.

1a) Further to that point: I would ask that you remove the parts that explicitly reference any sexual abuse. There's nothing too terribly wrong with the idea in and of itself (my Sith shares a similar background, in point of fact), but keeping such things "tongue in cheek" in your bio would be more appropriate than giving us a mental picture of the act. For instance, information such as the following isn't necessary:



As this treads close to violating the site's rules concerning such content, my advice would be to make passing reference to this. Despite it being a focal point for how your character's psyche develops, it really isn't prudent to dwell on it for more than a sentence or two. There are other ways in which you can depict how this particular incident effected your character other than focusing on the incident itself.​

2) You will also likely need permission from Sith faction leadership (@Relent, @Malon) to clear the Sith in your backstory.

3) The [REDACTED] portions of her skills will need to be replaced with actual information. This is purely for the sake of fairness and balance should you ever enter into a PvP (Player vs. Player) scenario. I am comfortable with you leaving the [REDACTED] portions in her bio as others have done the same in the past.

4) Further on her skills: words like "prodigy", "legendary" and "god like" won't fly, I'm afraid. I understand the basic gist of your character - they are intelligent and often fall back on that as their greatest skill - but terms like those make it seem as if their intellect is infallible. I'd ask that you tone that down. Characters are meant to have flaws and make mistakes, that's how they grow. Doing anything to the contrary boarders on metagaming, to put it frankly.

5) Force powers. Just at a glance, I can already say that Sever Force will be a no go. Not only would it take the focus of a "Master level" character to properly execute, powers like that are reserved solely for major story events, and usually with a great deal of oversight and restriction to boot. Similarly, Force Destruction would have to go. Based on a quick read of the power, it's ability to "vaporize anyone who got too close" makes its use impractical in PvP scenarios where others must be allowed a reasonable defense against all attacks.

5a) As an aside to this point, if you haven't already, I would recommend reading our Guide to Force Powers to get a better feel for how the Force is handled here.​

And with those out of the way, I will address the questions about your gear.

For the most part, what @Simonev and @Flamjetxx have said hold true. Breaking down the composition of your armor into percentages only complicates matters more than necessary. The way armor is rated here is based on a "hits system", meaning a given piece of armor can sustain X number of hits (from blasters, vibroswords, lightsabers etc...) before being rendered useless. Saying your armor can take 1-2 glancing blows is fine, but listing out the percentages of the material composition is unnecessary.

On the topic of Phrik and/or Cortosis, while they are allowed for use in armor, they are usually reserved only for a few minor pieces (gauntlets, gorgets, shin guards, pauldrons, etc...) and not permitted on full chest plates. Additionally, your links to Nanoweave lead to an all together different wiki unrelated to Star Wars. I was able to chase down armor with the same name on the Star Wars wiki, but there is almost no information on it. That in mind, I'd ask you to remove the Nanoweave as you won't be allowed to transpose information from the Planetside wiki to suit your armor needs here.

Overall though, I would recommend choosing from one of the existing armors in our Technology Profiles board. You can note any special alterations (cosmetic or otherwise) your character may have made to it on their sheet. Just be sure to take note that the armor you choose is free for use and not a custom set made for a specific character.


Once you have addressed these points, let me know and I'll give your character another look.

Should you require any assistance or have any questions, please feel free to ask.

1) I've heavily edited the story in order to remove the Jedi Master completely, and instead replaced them with a Jedi Knight that plays a totally different role in the story. [although I still wish to receive the approval of @Wit regarding my character's Jedi background.]

1a) I'm not as 'blunt' as I was previously, however this is an important aspect of my character's past that is crucial to the formation of both her personality and her view of the Force, of which is based off of her 'unfortunate' encounters with other force-users during her life so far.​

2) I've completely removed The Sith from her story, besides a few times where they're only mentioned of course. Other than that there are no longer any Sith actually present in her history.

3) The "SKILLS" section has been modified to what I believe adequate, which now includes somewhat open-ended weaknesses that will allow for more creative RP from my opponents.

4) With the exceptions of the words "mastermind" [skill #1, positive a] as well as "expert" [skill #4, positive c] all other terms that overly 'exaggerate' have been replaced. However addressing the two words previously mentioned, the first of which ["mastermind"] is in my opinion rather justified given that it only implies extraordinary skill rather than "infallible intellect." Secondly the other word ["expert"], is something that I don't think you probably mind, but I will defend it just in case. To put it simply, it's used while referring to Shii-Cho, a rudimentary form of lightsaber combat that literally any lightsaber-user should also be an "expert" in as well.

5) Regarding my character's Force Powers, I will not remove them since I want to make it very clear that my character is more than capable of mastering them in the future, however what I have done is add a disclaimer of sorts that explains Zisria's inability to preform them. If it is still an issue then I will gladly remove them, and apologize for the trouble.

5a) I've read the material and have even added a little section in the SKILLS category that addresses them ^.^​

Armor) I've followed your advice and have created a new format to fit my edit as well as make a smaller part of said format to address modifications to the armor.

Conclusion: After roughly several hours of revising, rewriting, questioning, and of course preforming further research into the universe, I've finished a adapting my Character Profile after looking over the advice given to me by this site's very kind community. If there aren't any more revisions that you'd like me to add, and my character's past checks out with the Jedi, then I will begin to edit what's currently Zisria's 'rough draft' of a biography.

EDIT: I ENDED UP CORRECTING MY WORK ANYWAYS...

P.S. I'm obviously not finished with making my character, but I'd like to personally thank you for your helpful input and considerable contributions in the creation of Zisria <3 XOXO