The Awakening of Crutiae

[Padmé]

Standing next to Cat’s seat, watching in anticipation as he took of his blindfold brought sudden knot in Haloburner’s stomach. Slowly Cat removed the blindfold, and then he blinked, followed by what Halo thought was a smile. She was amazed as Cat stood up from his seat and walked over to look at the viewpoint unaided.

Either the healing was successful or Cat is playing a trick on her sight. Feelings of fleeting relief encapsulated the blonde Knight as she watched Cat prove to her that the former was true. The male Knight turned, looked at her then spoke:
"You never really do appreciate something until you lose it."

An approval nod was all Lamb could muster as she watched in amazement of her healing hands. She had Master Ike to thank for imparting to her the skill and abilities to pass on healing. For now a strong relief was listed off of the blondes mind. With Cat’s full sight back the crew will be able to accomplish the mission ahead with little to no difficulty amongst themselves. The Ship was now only minutes from landing on Trandosha which brought the perished Jedi on Halo’s mind again- not that she did forget about the mission ahead. Perhaps Halo’s feeling of loss and the untimely manner of the Jedi was to blame for her sudden change of mood- utter sadness overtook the young blonde Knight. The heavy weight of loss on Halo’s heart was suddenly interrupted by Cat’s question:
"How can I repay you?"

Freely you have received; freely give, was all Halo could think of. Turning her head towards the male Knight, Halo responded “Cat, you owe me nothing. I am glad you have gained full use of your eyes.” With that the blonde looked down at her watch, “I believe Andreus will be landing the Consular any moment from now.” She sat down in her seat and buckled her seat belt on.

She looked around the cabin, still no sign of Cat's Padawan. Well, he will probably need to emerge out of the lavatory soon, Halo whispered under her breath as she clipped her seat belt buckle on...

 

[Andreus Makaryk]

Perhaps Andreus might have been cheered up a little had Halo actually stayed to chat for a while. But she didn't. However unintentionally, she reinforced Andreus' perception that Cat held more importance to the mission than he did--and oh, the hand-to-hand specialist Jedi Knight did. Pilots were a dime a dozen. It was understandable that Cat needed to have his eyes healed, but why could that have not been done before the mission to begin with? Then again, none of this would have mattered at all if Cat had not sent him away like that...

The pilot didn't say anything to Halo as she left, preferring instead to wallow in his own silence. He still had about twenty minutes and about a hundred thousand kilometers before he could even think about making preparations for initial approach. At least he could busy himself with a navigation check for the next couple of minutes--but then he would be bored again.

 

[Matty]

Apollo exited the ship's lavatory, face as ashen as ever. His once brilliant turquoise hue was now dotted with more grey than its actual color. Sorrow, anger and regret covered his face. The once serene facade that he attempted to put up was all but demolished. Apollo walked slowly to his seat and wiped his eyes with the left sleeve of his robe. His eyes still red and puffy from the sobbing. Apollo took his place next to Cat and re-buckled his safety restraints. He gave a small nod towards Halo and attempted once more to rebuild the false persona of pure calm. After his rescue on Jabiim, Apollo vowed to himself that no one would ever see him so vulnerable. The loss of the Will however struck a little to close to home. Friends, comrades-in-arms and even a secret lover had all been torn away from him in the most brutal of instants. Apollo seethed in his seat at the lack of action from the group. He knew that their mission was vital to the Order, but the destruction of the Will should have changed that fact. War would surely be declared soon and the Republic needed every able body fighter

"We should return to Tython" Apollo said under his breath

Apollo gave a small shake of his head and turned towards the viewport. A sullen sense of serenity fell over Apollo. He gave a couple deep breaths and allowed himself a small smile in the comfort that the Force brought him. A voice echoed in the recesses of his mind. It was the voice of a life that was suddenly stripped away. A tidal wave of memories cascaded into Apollo's subconscious causing tears to briefly well up in his blue eyes. Her laugh, her smell and even the feel of her skin caused Apollo a longing that he knew would never be fulfilled.

"There's something I need to tell you Master..." Apollo said glumly to Cat "I know that this will compromise my ability on our upcoming mission"

 

[Prancing Yawn]

Cat's face was quickly saddened as he saw his Padawan emerge from the refresher. He had seen that face before on his Padawan, and he hated it. Something was deeply troubling the boy, and the Knight knew it wasn't just the deaths..

"Apollo, I know it troubles you so - it troubles all of us - but the mission ahead of us is too important. The ones we lost would not want us to keep our minds hung up on them, jeopardizing the mission in the process.. I know you know that."

"There's something I need to tell you Master..." Apollo said glumly to Cat "I know that this will compromise my ability on our upcoming mission"

"We are brothers. We keep nothing from each other. Please, tell me."

 

[Matty]

Apollo took in a deep breath and gripped the arm rest of his chair tightly. He then began to recite his tale to Cat and the others. Apollo recounted the time from when he first arrived to the order till just the previous week. He told them how when he first arrived it was a young deck hand by the name of Andrea who had made him feel welcome. The two would soon form a close bond that would only grow. He recounted that as the days went on, the two grew closer and closer until it finally culminated in a night full of passion. Not knowing what the masters would do, Andrea forced Apollo to keep their love a secret. He then told the group that it was at Andrea who nursed his wounds after both Jabiim and Muunilist. After nearly ten minutes of constant talking, Apollo paused briefly and allowed his words to sink in. He reached into the Force and allowed the group to share and feel his memories. If willing, he allowed them to experience his love, his joy and now his anger. Apollo knew that if he were to encounter any Sith on this mission and if he were to strike them down, he would be no better than they. Apollo knew that he had strayed far to close to the edge more than any Jedi should. He knew that he was emotional, brash and even a bit quick to anger now. The aftermath of Jabiim had left him a cold calculating person and the only link to the joy that he had once experienced was now blasted into billions of atoms.

"And that my Master is why I cannot join you" Apollo said reluctantly "I'm much to at risk to fall here. I have invested myself emotional far more than I should have"

 

[Prancing Yawn]

Cat paused for several seconds, not saying a word. His Padawan's story really did surprise the Knight - not what it was itself, but that he kept it from his master for so long. If he didn't wait so long..
he looked at Haloburner and shrugged - not with his shoulders, but in his expression.

"I'm sorry.." he squeezed Apollo's shoulder sincerely. He could feel his Padawan's pain.. it dug at his conscious as much as it did Apollo's. Losing someone you loved was a harder emotion than anything else one could feel. Maybe Apollo was right - maybe he wasn't emotionally stable enough for this mission. Or maybe not.

"Apollo.. as a Jedi Knight, you will face many hardships, many losses, and much sorrow. None of these things have ever stopped Knights from continuing to serve justice. I know even as a Padawan you've brushed with the dark side and experienced sorrow as you do now.. but you must continue on this mission. I don't think Andrea would have wanted you to quit a mission just because of her.

If you pull through this.. you'll prove to me that you are a true Jedi.

But it's up to you whether or not you want to go back to Tython. When we get to Trandosha you can take a shuttle back.. but, it's up to you."

 

[Matty]

Apollo smiled fondly at Cat and grasped his hand lightly. He turned towards Halo and finally glanced briefly at the cockpit. Apollo took in a deep breathe and nodded slowly as Cat spoke. He knew the man was right in every way. His time as a Jedi would be marked with trials harder than this, but this was something that he could not do. No matter how well meaning he tried to be, Apollo knew that every Sith he struck down would be done in vengeance. Small seeds of doubt began to plant themselves in his subconscious. His time as a Jedi was continually marked with failure and this mission to Trandosha was just one more to the already growing list. Apollo tugged away from Cat's grasp and faced the view port. His blue eyes set firmly on the passing stars. He furrowed his brow and turned back towards the two waiting Knights. Apollo wanted desperately to tell Cat that he could continue on the mission and he could fight the dark without succumbing himself, but he knew that he just didn't have it in him. Apollo turned from the two once more and began to make his way towards the dormitory area of the ship. He stopped before the exit and looked over his right shoulder, sadness clearly visible on his face.

"Forgive me Master" Apollo said sullenly "I cannot join you. I..I need to meditate on this matter"

 

[Prancing Yawn]

"Ok, Apollo. When we finish the mission we'll talk more..

it'll be alright."

As Apollo exited the cabin Cat's gaze turned back to Haloburner.

"Great kid - he used to be so carefree, so relaxed. Now he's so tense. Don't know what I'm going to do.. " he said, sighing. Pausing for several seconds, he looked into the cockpit.

"Is Andreus still in there?" he said to himself, standing up to go check on the pilot. Sticking his head in the door, all he could see was the back of his head.

"Hey, Apollo won't be able to go on the mission. He has to .. recover from something. He'll be staying on the ship to meditate,"

It didn't take long for the Knight to sense Andreus feeling of 'uselessness'. He had no idea the Padawan thought Cat was ignoring him. Cat only assumed he was the non-social type.

"So, can't you put the ship on autopilot or something and come into the cabin? You've been cooped up in here for a while."

 

[Andreus Makaryk]

If Cat happened to look out of the flight deck viewport when he came in, with his gaze tilted upward just a bit, he might have noticed a bank of three lights, the center one of which was illuminated, saying, AP CMD. In fact, the autopilot had been on since right before Andreus had gotten up the first time, only to get sent straight back to the cockpit as his point of view would have it. His offer of service had been unanimously rejected by everyone on board, so he had simply slunk back into the captain's chair with nothing to do other than a brief navigation check that he had by now completed.

Halo had briefly stopped by to try to cheer the pilot up--before having her attention sucked right back up by Cat, who seemed the life of the party. Halo's abrupt departure had only left the pilot to drift further down his feelings of uselessness and redundancy, so of course the pilot found himself quite surprised to hear Cat's voice right behind him. What the kriff did Cat want with him? To boot his nigh-useless warm body from the mission manifest? Andreus had drifted into such depths of cynicism that little else crossed his mind, much less the notion that Cat might actually want to talk to him. Certainly, he had no training in sensing emotions like other Jedi yet, so he automatically assumed the worst.

Ever professional, however, Andreus restrained the urge to tell Cat the autopilot had been on since before Cat had sent him away. Instead, he had something else to say. As he unbuckled his shoulder straps to stand up again, his voice appeared devoid of the crisp confidence it might usually convey. Glum, even.

"I have about sixteen minutes or so before I need to worry about initial approach..."

He stood up, his headset still on so he could still communicate with space traffic controllers, even outside the cockpit. The spacecraft's movement, he continued to sense through the Force, even as he left his instrument panels behind. He would know if or when he needed to return to his piloting duties. But as Andreus followed Cat's 'invitation' out to the passenger cabin, he couldn't help but notice that Apollo had disappeared from view.

"Hey, what happened to Apollo?"

 

[Padmé]

The female Knight simply listened as Apollo poured is heat out. Poor thing, he probably expected a harsh response from his Master, but fortunately that was not Cat’s response. Who was she to judge the man? Everyone makes mistakes, but in Halo’s mind Apollo’s mistake shouldn’t define him. As much as Lamb wanted to chime in she held her tongue and instead sent thoughts empathy toward Apollo’s way. Moments later, Cat’s Padawan made his way back to the meditation room- suppose to gather his thoughts.


With his Padawan out of the cabin- at least for the time being- Cat turned his attention to the Pilot. Much to Halo’s relief, the two were now talking. Moment’s later, Andreus realized the dwindled passenger count, hey, what happened to Apollo?, he asked. “Cat should know and fill you out on it” Lamb responded as she remained in her seat.

She will use this time to gather her thoughts about the pending mission while the men catch up with each other. The pending mission on Trandosha weighted heavily on Halo- especially now that it appears they have lost Apollo’s participation in the assignment.

A vision from the Sage Master had warned the Order of dark activity on Trandosha.

 

[Prancing Yawn]

"He just lost somebody he loved, very much."
That was all he needed to say - he didn't know if Andreus knew what that felt like but Cat was sure he'd understand.

Folding his arms, he looked hard at Andreus. The padawan felt rejected - and Cat thought there was no reason to be. In any case, he couldn't let him wallow around while there was a mission to be done. He sat down and sighed.

"There's no need for you to feel ignored - you can talk, I'm here, I'll listen, until I get shot or stabbed or pushed off a cliff. Hopefully option D would be correct: none of those!" He smiled.

"Really, though - I'm not trying to ignore you. I just thought you were the anti-social type - and I was obviously wrong, and I apologize.

So, we good?"

 

[Andreus Makaryk]

Cat's apology only addressed about half of what Andreus felt, if even that. If Apollo had lost a close friend in the cataclysm they all sensed, Andreus could understand his disappearance--somewhat. Unsure of his capacity to handle attachments because of his past, Andreus had eschewed them. Therefore, he couldn't relate personally to how Apollo felt, for the only attachment he had lost had been his own mind as a boy, when the Sith destroyed it.

At any rate, Cat folded his arms, sighed as he sat down...his body language seemed to undermine his sincerity. Andreus had yet to be trained to sense emotion through the Force, so he had to rely on body language that implied Cat didn't really want to deal with him, that he only did it because he thought he had to. Cat had sent Andreus away, back to the cockpit, before the cataclysm (whatever it was) had occurred, in a manner that deemed his services as useless. If Cat found the padawan pilot too useless to even let him serve him a drink, what did that imply about his uselessness in a combat situation? Andreus felt about as useful as an astromech droid. He certainly had been charged with performing the job of one.

"I think I will just stay on the ship," Andreus sighed. "That's about the only purpose I'm here for, isn't it?"

 

[Prancing Yawn]

"What gave you that notion? The NJO doesn't put people on assignment just to sit around and sulk in the cockpit - I know that for a fact."

He shrugged.

"You think you don't have enough to do, right? Well, I can't fly a cruiser, neither can Apollo, and I don't know about Haloburner... that's 1 thing - we got to Trandosha without crashing. So far all I've done is sit here and talk - you're 1 up on all of us.

Right?


So, are you going to stay here?"

 

[Andreus Makaryk]

"So can an astromech droid. Or any of about a billion pilots throughout the galaxy." Andreus didn't believe Cat's line of reasoning. No, Cat wasn't right. Not at all...

"So, Cat, let's face it. My skill set is fairly fungible as far as Jedi are concerned. Most of what I do can be replaced directly with a droid. I have very little specific combat training, I am masterless at this moment, and let us all face it, once we land I am probably a net burden on the mission as you will probably have to expend more energy defending me from harm than I can make in contribution, no?"

Andreus had no reason to doubt what he had just said, not at all. They were true. He had only recently joined the Jedi, and here the Order sent him out on missions before anyone had really begun to train him. His training so far had consisted of cobbling together classes--which left glaring deficiencies as some classes filled up quickly and the ones that had room for him tended to be on more esoteric subjects, like Crucitorn. While he had some knowledge that could be applied to combat, the gaps in it were so severe that it would almost certainly take a dedicated master to even out his deficiencies and round him out as a Jedi.

"Neither you, nor anyone else, even deemed me worthy to serve refreshments, let alone anything else like, I don't know, doing anything other than just remaining in my place on the flight deck..."

 

[Prancing Yawn]

The Knight sighed.

"I don't think there's any reason for you to beat down on yourself. Maybe you will be useless down there - so what? You have a chance to prove you won't.

And don't make a big deal out of the refreshments, either - I didn't ask for you to get me anything because I didn't want you to feel like a slave.

One person already dropped out of this mission - if you really want to be useful, how much would you be contributing if you left aswell?"

 

[Andreus Makaryk]

Maybe you will be useless down there...

Those words were all Andreus needed to know. They affirmed his miasma of doubt. Kriff, Andreus hadn't even received a mission briefing that specified any information other than where to land, now that he thought about it. An astromech he was; this entire time he could have been doing something productive at a Jedi Temple somewhere, but it was cheaper for the Order to ask Andreus to pay for his own fuel to get out here, than to expend its own resources on renting a piloting droid for the trip. Now the pilot knew how Cat really felt--that after Apollo had disappeared, Cat only had popped his head into the cockpit because he felt he must. The pilot's venture into the passenger cabin only wasted the time of both of them.

Cat's other words were irrelevant--merely fluff with which to hide the insult.

The 'useless' pilot would waste the Knight's time no further. Andreus Makaryk stood back up, and without a further word, walked back to the flight deck. However, his continued sense of rejection and uselessness left a distinctive flare in the Force as he turned his back to the younger Knight and walked away. The padawan now regretted the effort expended and wasted in even bothering to get up, for it had served no purpose, unless reaffirming his general sense of uselessness counted as such. As he buckled himself back in, he deactivated the autopilot, as he now wished to fly the cruiser manually.

He needed to clear his mind. He needed something to do.

 

[Padmé]

For the life of her she could not understand why Andreus felt such rejection from the crew and his fellow mission agents. After all Andreus Makaryk is not one known for long winded conversation. Either that or perhaps the two Knights had read Andreus’ demeanor wrongly. Kraff, Cat did apologize if that was what grieved the Pilot, but it seems that apology did not go well. As Andreus aired his grievances towards Cat, Halo wanted to interrupt, pull her wooden spoon out and make the two men talk to each other (rather than at each other), but she didn’t. She thought the two will sort out their hurts and grievances, but that never came either!

“What is wrong with Andreus?...Be gentle with him next time” Was the only thing the female Knight uttered as she got up from her seat. She partially heard the conversation between Cat and the Pilot. Everything sounded good until the two Jedi men walked out of the cockpit to area where Halo and Apollo were seating. With Apollo now gone, Halo hoped Andreus will get more personal time with Cat. Apparently, it appears Halo’s hopes were merely that- hope – not a strategy.

Knight Lamb followed her rhetorical question to Cat with a head shake and a slight frown then walked into the cockpit. She made her way into the co-pilot’s seat then spoke, “hey, it’s me again. Don’t think we are intentionally ignoring you.” She paused to give him time to respond.

Perhaps Cat was wrong in not giving the Pilot the attention that he wanted, however Andreus is not known as the conversational type. There is a mission yet to be accomplished. No need to be divided even before the actually mission begins, Halo thought as she waited for Andreus to speak.

 

[Prancing Yawn]

"W-"

Well, he just blew that opportunity. The aggressive, honest approach obviously wouldn't work for Andreus Makaryk. He was far too sensitive.. Cat could help his own Padawan through a tough time but he had no experience in 'talking straight' to somebody else's. Walking into the cockpit slowly, he attempted sending a telepathic 'whisper' to Haloburner.

Let me talk to hm,

He sat down in one of the passenger seats, behind Andreus.

"Alright. I was too blunt. That's obvious. I apologize for saying you might be useless, and I'm sorry that it hurt you that much.

Perhaps we were ignoring you. If we were, please, be sure it WASN'T intentional, and it's our fault for not sensing it earlier. We're sorry that you feel so useless and we don't want you to leave the mission - and you can't. We're already down one Padawan.

We DO need you."

 

[Andreus Makaryk]

Cat apologized--as a sleazeball politician might. A non-apology apology. I'm sorry that it hurt you that much...Perhaps we were ignoring you; if we were... One of those 'apologies' that shifted blame from the one supposedly apologizing, to the victim. Cat followed the typical habit of politicians apologizing for gaffes, where said sleazeballs apologized not with sincerity for the gaffe itself, but instead muttered, "I'm sorry if anyone is offended by..." to assuage angry constituents without actually apologizing for the deed at issue.

To make matters worse, Andreus Makaryk could not sense any actual sincerity that might actually underlie what he perceived as politician boilerplate if his life depended on it. What little charisma the man might possess buried itself below layers and layers of cynicism. He couldn't read emotions through the Force to verify words at all; he had no inherent talent for it and had yet to be trained in it.

Cat had yet to convince Andreus to believe a single word that came out of his mouth. Cat had alleged that he needed Andreus, though Andreus could not possibly conceive of why such need might exist. As a pilot? The two Jedi Knights could have rented an astromech for that. To utilize his senses? His senses were attuned to navigation and piloting; beyond that, they were certainly no more useful than the combined senses of the two Knights. Combat? His practical experience with it was nearly nil. Diplomacy? He completely lacked any semblance of charisma necessary therefor.

"You allege you need me," Andreus stated coldly, his icy tone leaving no doubt Cat's apology had fallen upon deaf ears. "But for what? I'm just not seeing it. Unless I'm just a meatshield for you to telekinetically hold before you."

Yes, yes. That was possible.

 

[Prancing Yawn]

This guy is not easy to convince, he thought,

But Jedi or not, self esteem was important. Andreus WAS needed, but he just wasn't buying Cat's apology and the rest of it.

"Your Jedi Archives file indicates your environmental senses are honed beyond proficiency, something much needed if we are going up against a Dark Side user. Your healing skills are much more effective than my own, and your Sith origins indicate you have some knowledge of the Dark Side, even if ever so miniscule, anything helps when fighting one of those guys. I know it would be more than Halo and I have combined."

He had made his case.