The Assessment

[Crix Dolan (TL8)]

The Assessment

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The Jedi crossed the mesa following the call until he came to a valley swimming in the force. His emerald eyes scanned the area searching for Arda and the source of the force's undulation, but all he found was a peculiar rock formation and twelve steps leading to an empty flat surface.

Crix frowned continuing to search the area, but the only other beings around were the dokma and krykna. The two seemed to exist in harmony, the predator and prey aspects seemingly wiped away from their normal prominence. The pull of the force led him down the steps and to the flat empty surface. The pull culminated in this spot and not knowing what else to do he settled down on his knees and closed his eyes meditating on the force.

The past revealed itself as an unwanted guest and Crix tried to push the memories from his mind, but found they wouldn't be denied. Pale white hands with fingers outstretched in spiderlike tension illuminated with evil purple light as electricity erupted from the fingertips. The image transitioned as the scream of a small voice filled the darkness, his eyes snapped open and he was in the cockpit of The Highwind Leah was sitting in the co-pilots chair and the lightsaber she'd taken from the sith in the hold called out to him.

The Darkside was at war with the light. Turmoil still resided within and Crix watched as he struggled to resist the temptation. Next, he was on his knees, the crystal from that lightsaber rested in his palm and he channeled the lightside of the force into it. It had taken weeks, but he'd managed to restore the crystals attunement to the lightside of the force. This lesson had been his final test, and the image wavered placing him on Jedah. Sickly green light emanated from a ceremonial pyre. Crix stood alongside his comrades and ignited his pure white blade.

The images began to replay with greater frequency and intensity. His chest burned, the ruined flesh seeming to writhe in agony as he consistently chose the light. Like any oily inkblot, it clung to him refusing to be banished. The tendrils of the scar wriggled and flexed attempting to garner deeper purchase as if to further embed itself into his being.

Crix's eyes snapped open, he was covered in sweat, his chest burned, and he suddenly felt a presence that was both intimately familiar and alien at the same time. Tentatively he looked up from his kneeling position and gazed into the face of this supernatural entity.

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[Arda Breaux]

Arda had gotten too comfortable waiting for Crix to find the valley of the Bendu, but after her talk with the Force entity and a wait that seemed to take entirely too long, Arda found herself curled up in a groove of one of his large antlers quickly finding rest. However, she would wake when she felt the imbalance that approached and sat before the great space moose, an inner conflict that she had once battled within herself and now on of her own Jedi was facing something similar. She wondered how many more of her students faced this and her brow furrowed in her thoughts as to a plan to help them as she had accomplished her own inner victory, now she could help her students better.

For Crix though, she was unaware of him hearing the Bendu's call until practically a few days ago and she wondered if there was something involving his childhood and his encounter with the Sith had something to do with it all.

The Jedi Master propped herself up with her elbows as she looked down with the Bendu at Crix, she remained silent, but curious for their meeting.

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[The Bendu]

The Bendu did not dislike Arda Breaux's company and the Force entity didn't really experience discomfort or annoyance in the same way the lesser races did so when it came to Arda have climbed up to it's antlers and settling for a nap? The Bendu honestly could not have cared less.

At least she was at peace with herself in the Force so her presence was no longer an irritant to the one in the middle. Crix, however, was almost offensive for the Bendu to behold through the Force. Rising from it's resting place with Arda atop one of it's antlers, the Bendu stared down at the meditating form of the young Jedi before it.

"Crix."

It did not utter his faked family name.

It would not address the man with the trappings he had assumed to pretend to be something he was not.

"You were called and you have come."

There was a pause.

"Why are you here?"

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[Crix Dolan (TL8)]

The Bendu was unlike anything he'd ever seen. It's words carried a power that he struggled to perceive and it's presence was stifling. Crix remained on his knees and looked up at the significantly sized being. The being had beady white eyes and a wide flat nose. It's chin was covered in a thick beard and it wore a crown of antlers. This was the monster in the storm.

His eyes drifted a little higher and he spotted Arda. She was laying on the beings head as if it were no big deal. He frowned wondering if he was still in a vision when the being spoke.

The Bendu spoke his real name and Crix appreciated that. He wondered how in the hell it knew that but decided a sentient moose god probably had a better understanding of the force that he did. "That's my name, what should I call you?"

Felt rude not to ask. After all, Crix had been dreaming of this being for months. The Bendu made a statement and then asked a question and Crix considered its words. He assumed anything spoken was some sort of test, so he made sure to choose his responses carefully. Though his tongue would undoubtedly get him into trouble at some point. Crix wasn't sure why he was here. There were things he wanted to know, things he hoped to learn, but as far as he was aware, he'd been called and he'd come calling.

His brow furrowed and he said, "To understand who I am."

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[The Bendu]

It stared down at the Jedi before it.

It was to understand that this was what passed for a Jedi Knight in this age? It was strange but it had honestly expected something better considering how admirably Arda Breaux was shaping up as a Grandmaster. There may very well be some time required but time was such a strange thing for a being such as the Bendu. Whereas the lesser mortals could only perceive what was and what was currently, the Bendu could also see what was to be.

Sometimes it was hard to focus on the now, on what currently was, when it was able to look through the veil of the Force and see glimpses of what could be and what must be.

"I am the Bendu." it announced itself, "Neither Light nor Dark; I am the one in the middle."

The Bendu looked down at Crix and judged him.

"Wrong."

It was a simple dismissal. Crix likely thought he was being profound but he was not. As far as the Bendu saw it, this was something else entirely.

"You are here because you understand precisely what you are; a wastrel, a scoundrel and a failure." the Bendu leaned forwards, "You are here because you are disgusted in yourself."

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[Crix Dolan (TL8)]

The truth was often unkind. Crix looked away embarrassed, which he knew wasn't how he should respond, but it was his truth. Brow furrowed in self-pity he wondered if this had been a mistake, right now he missed being able to fling himself off a cliff to escape the inscrutable gaze of the Bendu. Deciding it was smarter to recede inwardly opposed to smarting off, Crix examined the three titles he'd been granted.

The Westral, Crix wasn't sure what he'd wasted. Was it time? Sure, he'd had a little trouble comprehending what his destiny was, but he was still here. Even as he mulled the thought over in his mind he felt like a petulant child. Okay, maybe that one's right...

The Scoundrel. A small smirk tore indignantly across his face as he accepted the title. There was no refusing this brand. His life had depended on his cunning from the day he escaped from his torturer, and he wouldn't apologize for a single choice he'd made. Besides he was on the good guy's team now and everything he'd learned on the streets of Coruscant's undercity had prepared him for the Alliance.

The Failure... yeah that was probably right.

Crix shifted uncomfortably under the unnatural gaze of the one who stands in the middle. He cleared his throat and said, "Uh, alright. So, what do I have to do to be... better?"

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[The Bendu]

Hmm.

Interesting.

The scoundrel, for Crix was that above all else, wanted to be better did he? Well that was interesting. There were few people in the Galaxy who truly wished to change. Most people were happy as they were or too afraid to change what they hated about each other. In the end the result was the same; people didn't change.

They made all the excuses that they thought might help to alleviate the shame they felt from this fact but it was, in the end, a fact of life throughout the Galaxy and had been for beyond most of recorded time.

"Do you truly wish to be better?" The Bendu pondered aloud, "Why? You are what you are, Crix the Scoundrel. You have been comfortable in what you are for years."

The Bendu stared intensely at Crix with it's large, sightless, eyes.

"What drives you to seek this change now?"

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[Crix Dolan (TL8)]

"Comfortable is an interesting way to put it," Crix mused as he considered the Bendu's question.

Crix considered his life since taking Leah's offer. On Ord Mantell, he'd been little more than an opportunistic thief, on Kashyyyk he struggled to accept the gift of the force, and on Jedah he'd witnessed the power of the darkside, and now... his eyes wandered to Arda and he forced himself to think about something else. Tycho, Fury, Arda, Devrim, Leah, Vu'thari, Ayasha, they'd all shown him something he'd never believed in. They'd shown him hope.

Sure, it was cliche but hope in the life of an orphan was scarce.

"Hope," he replied clearing his throat and elaborating, "...growing up I can't say I ever understood the concept, but since joining the Jedi and the Alliance, I've seen what it can do." He felt like an idiot pontificating about the obscure theory of hope to an all-knowing force entity, but still, he persisted. His mind drifted back to Jedah during the reconstruction of the city following their battle. The peace that came following the strike was one he'd never forget. His lips tore into a lopsided grin as he concluded, "I want to bring hope to people who don't have any. That's what drives me."



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[The Bendu]

The Bendu hummed as it looked down on Crix.

It seemed that Crix thought that he had some hidden depths to him. The Bendu wasn't nearly as certain of this as the former thief seemed to be. It glanced at Arda for a moment as though to gauge her opinions on the matter before it decided that it was going to continue to push at Crix. If the young man passed this initial test and proved himself as worthy as Arda had done before him, then they would continue.

Crix wasn't doing too badly so far at least.

"A noble goal and one I do not believe has your whole focus even for a moment."

Let it never be said that the Bendu wasted time.

"You people, you lesser mortals, are motivated by your emotions. Even the most stoic of Jedi heeds their emotions even if they do not allow them to control them. You live for hope, yes, but not hope for others, I sense but rather..." The Bendu smiled an unpleasant smile, "Perhaps you live in hope that you will manage to turn out to be a better man than one who came before you?"

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[Crix Dolan (TL8)]

The Jedi watched the Bendu carefully. The being seemed to consider his words even though it was apparent they didn't completely believe him. That was fine. Crix was used to being underestimated. Though he couldn't understand where the being was going with his line of questioning. So far, the Jedi was attempting to remain calm and to logically reply to each of the statements made, but that didn't seem to be what the being was looking for.

The Bendu began to pontificate about the feebleness of mortal beings and Crix couldn't help but internally disagree with the immortal. Perspective was something unique to each individual and while Crix was inspired by those that came before him, he certainly didn't seek to follow in their footsteps. The galaxy didn't need a church of space wizards, it needed protectors and liberators.

"I don't hope to be better than the ones that came before, I hope to be different," he said with more conviction than he'd intended. "Those that came before did their best, but that's about where my emulation will end."

What he wanted in the grand scheme of things was inconsequential. He was a blip on the radar at best, and at worst he wasn't even worth registering, but that didn't matter. His goals weren't made by his emotions and he wasn't a slave to himself. He was a Jedi and he followed the ushering of the force. Was he perfect? Not even close. Was he doing his damnedest? You bet. Was it good enough? He had no clue but based on the trajectory of this conversation he was beginning to think he'd made a fools journey.

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[The Bendu]

"Hmm."

The Bendu had listened well to what Crix had to say and it wasn't as unimpressed as it appeared. For all of his faults, Crix seemed to be someone who genuinely wanted to do well and help people as he did so. The Bendu glanced at Arda and sent her a mental nudge to tell her not to spoil the next part.

Reaching into the Force, the Bendu took control of the environment around them, causing the ground to shake to distract Crix. With the young Jedi distracted, the Bendu would place a Force Illusion on itself and Arda as well. Crix wouldn't be able to tell the difference between what we real and what was an illusion due to the distraction stopping him seeing the start of the illusion.

And the Bendu knew how to layer illusions.

To Crix it would look as though nothing had changed because the illusion wasn't to make anything fantastical - it was to make the Bendu and Arda exactly as they were. Except he doubted this 'arda' would be as kind.

"What is your true, honest, opinion of the character of Crix, Arda?"

Spoiler: OOC

Please let GABA post next, Zay

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[Arda Breaux]

theArda shifted in her spot as the Bendu asked his question, an opinion of Crix, or perhaps the woman should give fact. Her gaze set on Crix, looking at him thoughtfully for a moment and then it hardened, "He's a lost puppy dog, Bendu." she spoke and shook her head in disapproval, "He doesn't know his way and he thinks latching onto ideals he truly doesn't set his heart on is going to give him purpose..." the woman sighed, "He, like many of the Jedi are not hopeful, they're hopeless." the woman leaned forward over the Bendu's antler to gaze at Crix more intently.

"He is not different, nothing ordinary, just another face that will fade into star dust of history." she spoke, her eyes narrowed, "Don't you believe that also, Crix?" she asked him almost with a scoff, "Your best is nothing, it will never amount to anything."

The woman turned her gaze to look at the Bendu, "He runs from his self, to be different..." the woman waved her hand, "He relies on ideals to hide from who he is, perhaps he fears who he is, perhaps he is ashamed...regardless, I couldn't get away from him and his self pity fast enough."

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[Crix Dolan (TL8)]

The Jedi's brow furrowed in confusion as the grandmaster began to speak. "A lost puppy?" he started, but stopped himself and set his jaw refusing to look up at her. He could understand this type of sentiment from some of the other members of the order, but he'd thought he'd come to know Arda at least a little bit since their wild night on Mimban. Funny she wasn't mentioning that he thought as she continued.

A spectrum of emotion stampeded across his mind. Anger took charge and the Jedi found himself starting and stopping as each jibe fell from the grandmaster's lips. He wanted to lash out to point out her flaws to discredit her position and inform the Bendu of her own hypocrisy, but he didn't. Indignance was a crutch of the past. Sure, he wouldn't allow people to walk over him, but that didn't mean he'd strike out in anger. Crix quelled the fury he was felt and landed on sadness.

If this was how she'd felt what in the hell was that weird moment on the ship? Still refusing to look up at her he crossed his arms and sat back on his haunches. Arda asked if he believed what she'd said, and without being able to stop himself he said, "You said it yourself, Master--" the title fell from his lips as an insult, "I'm not ordinary."

His sardonic grin tore across his face as he leveled his gaze upon the grandmaster. She didn't seem to like his answer very much Arda resorted to cutting words about his best never being enough, but that was fine. Her true colors were exposed and he wasn't going to waste his time with her little games. His senses went on high alert as the danger of his situation became evident. If this was some insane plot to kill him she'd done a great job... He was isolated and setting before a being so powerful in the force they could literally enter dreams and make demands. But that would be next level crazy. Wouldn't it?

C'mon, THINK! he chided himself.

Arda turned to face the Bendu to deliver her final judgment and while he wouldn't show it, her words cut him to the core. Maybe he was just a fake. He'd never be anything other than a scared kid on the streets of Coruscant stealing to survive, but even as the thought crossed his mind he could feel the veneer of it's falsehood slip. Since joining the rebellion he'd been surrounded by people he cared about. They were the reason he kept fighting. Cliche, as it might be Crix genuinely, cared for his comrades. His time spent in torturous solitude gave him an insurmountable understanding of loneliness and now to see someone he'd believed to be his friend turn on him... hurt.

With her venomous report dutifully given, Arda seemed content to remain upon the Bendu's head and after a long moment, Crix found his voice.

"If all you've been trying to determine is what I fear, why not ask?" he'd been patient with the force moose up until this point, but he was tired of sitting on trial.

"I'm terrified to lose the people I care about." He was pissed at himself, but he couldn't stop tears from forming in his eyes as he spoke. "I've never had a family, but when I joined the Alliance I was welcomed with opened arms, and sure for an entity that stands in the middle that probably doesn't mean anything, but to a scared kid who'd been tortured and forced into a life of crime to get by? It was like being shown a whole new galaxy."

He scoffed feeling like his words were falling upon deaf ears, but persisted, "I'm scared to lose what I've gained because I've known true solitude, and I bare the brand of true terror." He opened his tunic and exposed the ruined flesh of his chest. The ink color tendrils stretched across the breadth of his upper torso starting pitch-black in the center of his chest and fading various hues of blue and purple toward his shoulders.

"I've lived through true fear, and yet here I am." He left the tunic open and sat back propping himself up with one arm and running using the other to run a hand through his hair. He wasn't sure where this was going, but if he were about to die at least his attackers would have a target to hit.

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[Arda Breaux]

The woman rose to her feet as Crix spoke, there was a range of emotions as he tried to rationalize the situation, finding the woman's character unusual, but didn't decide to fight against it, instead he stood against it...well until he sat on the dusty valley floor. The woman hoisted herself over the antler to jump down to the ground in front of Crix, looking down at the Knight as he showed off his scars. Her robes fluttered around her and the energy that surrounded the being pushed up the dust and dirt around her as she now stood on the ground in front of him.

"And here you are...yes..." she raised her eyebrows and opened her arms, gesturing to their surroundings, "You fear loss? Not very becoming of a Jedi Knight...especially for someone who has dedicated his life to loss...how can you still hold hope?" theArda knelt down to scoop up a handful of sand, letting it slowly trickle from the spaces in between her fingers. "What would happen to Crix if he loss the family he so long desired, would that make him even less of a Jedi? If each one were slowly taken away one by one, would he be able to carry on?" the sand continued to trickle away, however, as the last grains fell, her own hands began to turn to sand also, the wind carrying away the grains of the woman, "Who would you be? Would you be able to be satisfied with yourself, alone, if everyone you ever loved is stolen to fate by one form or another?" more of the woman began to fall away, blowing around Crix until his surroundings grew dark, but he could still hear theArda's voice.

"How could you ever be satisfied with anyone else if you are unable to be with yourself alone. Surrounding yourself with family doesn't answer your loneliness, it doesn't answer the solution to your fears, run from who you are and there will be others to bring you back to the tortured solitude where you started!!!" Her voice sounded as though it exploded into many different personas, the sand moved around Crix while the voice spoke and emerging were clawed fingers, reaching and grasping to pull Crix into a dark world in which he had once escaped from years ago.

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[Crix Dolan (TL8)]

The force shuddered as Arda landed before him. Even in her psychotic rage, he found her attractive and he hated himself for it. He rolled his eyes accepting his fate as she continued her tirade. At first, he felt like a chastised child. He'd clearly failed this test, but even still he resolved to continue on his path with or without the order.

"I said I was afraid of loss, not that I didn't accept it." His statement was matter of fact and he refused to say more.

"The loss of my family would make me a better Jedi," he said rising from the ground and leveling an indignant gaze in her direction. The force was beginning to swirl in a way he'd never felt and a seed of familiar fear sprouted in his heart. Regardless, he continued, "Each member of my family has dedicated themselves to helping the galaxy and even though it'd be hard, I'd keep fighting until my dying breath." he said with conviction.

Arda's rant continued calling into question his identity and Crix scoffed, "Are you just going to keep asking the same question? Ask as many times as you'd like, I'll say the same thing." His lopsided smile tore across his face and then receded the same way it'd come. Arda was melting away. She was becoming dust before him and he found himself checking his limbs to make sure they weren't falling away.

"Uh, are you alrig--" he was cut off as a familiar voice returned from the deepest recesses of his memory. Crix was frozen in place his veneer of snide indignance peeled away and replaced by visceral fear. His mouth hung open in a silent scream as terror incarnate manifested before him. Spider-like fingers clawed toward him reaching and grasping, threatening to drag him downward. The index finger was centimeters from his face when Crix gave in to the force.

The Jedi's terror-stricken expression faded and his features fell emotionless. He was one with the force, and even with his greatest fear looming before him he was calm. Realization blossomed within his spirit, and a single sentence escaped his lips.

"I was never alone."

Logic returned like a long lost friend and a small smirk pulled at Crix's lips. "Do your worst."

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[The Bendu]

The Bendu waved it's large hand and the illusion bled away.

In it's place, the Bendu and Arda waited for Crix. This being the true reality so it was an Arda rooting for him and a Bendu who was, at worst, kind of neutral about the man. After this experience however, the Bendu was actually somewhat more positive about the young man than it had been not a few moments before.

"Your student seems to have a resilience to him that I find rather appealing." The Bendu admitted aloud to Arda with a small smile, "I do believe there is something to him."

The Force entity looked down at Crix.

"Tell me, Crix... are you ready for the test that will cause you to doubt the existence of any deity that may be construed as kind or just?"

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[Arda Breaux]

The real Arda watched as Crix was pulled into a dream-like state so he could be assessed and tested; she knew what the Bendu had planned and yet she could not necessarily see it herself as she watched Crix and could only feel what he was experiencing. She leaned on the antler of the Bendu, resting her chin on her palm as she propped up her head trying to decide if Crix was finding what he needed to be better. However, just as it started, it seemed to finish just as quickly as though time where on a separate plane for the Knight and the rest of the galaxy. She wondered if he had failed, but that didn't sit well with the Grandmaster, if she didn't think Crix could handle the Bendu's tests, then she would not had guided him to follow the path to Atollon.

When the Bendu spoke, Arda glanced down, "I find him appealing too, Bendu." the woman grinned and then looked at Crix. Her eyes narrowed as she swore she saw something settling on his shoulder, as though he had a hitchhiker that didn't quite leave him when he freed himself of the spider horde.

The master Jedi smiled softly at Crix, eager to see how he would do on the next test.

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[Crix Dolan (TL8)]

Crix accepted his fate and awaited pain that was inevitably impending. Memories of purple lancing lightening returned to his mind, but fell away. There was no past there was only right now. The smell of burning ozone belied the coming attack, and just as the unnatural electricity began to spark off the tips of spiderlike fingers the image was wiped away.

Crix stood before the Bendu and Arda, but he couldn't quite bring himself to look at her yet. He was starting to realize everything he'd just experienced had been another force vision, but that didn't change what he'd gone through. The Bendu remarked about Crix's resilience and Arda retorted in the affimitive. The Jedi Knight smirked as the vision began to ebb away from his memory.

The Bendu turned his attention to Crix. The one who stands in the middle placed a question and a warning at the Jedi's feet. He considered everything he'd already been through when he felt a small tugging on his shoulder that pulled his mind from the heaviness at hand. One of the little spiders from before had found it's way on to his shoulder and while he still definitely hated spiders, he didn't mind his little stowaway.

The little guy's arrival stood as the confirmation he needed and in response to the Bendu Crix said, "Sure, why not?"

End.​

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