Emryc didn’t miss that wince when he moved to brush the blood away. It made him sick to his stomach. While such a simple detail never would have bothered him in the past, he had since begun to taste the bitterness of humanity. Humanity exhilarated him as much as it cut him, far deeper than any saber wound ever could. He would never forget that wince. He would never forget that recoil from the same face that laughed and smiled so ridiculously that it elicited the same in him. He would never forget that betrayal in the eyes that lit up at the sight of that stupid rabbit that Emryc didn’t even want. The eyes that lit up so vividly just because Emryc answered a question. He was reminded of details he hadn’t known he had been paying attention to. And it all came crashing down with that recoil. This was always the way it was meant to be. For Emryc.
His mind drifted vaguely to everything else objectively positive or good that ever came his way and his own hand in destroying them every time. After a certain point, it was difficult to blame external factors. He was the common denominator and he always would be. What if this were Morgan’s destroyed face? Tiamat’s? Renfry’s? No. They would all have fought back. Morgan would have resorted to his Firrerreo strengths to shred Emryc apart. The others would have found their own ways. Why hadn’t Jaikus? Why did it sting so much more when he didn’t fight back? Why did hurt deeper that Emryc had less physical injuries to take away from this? He had been denied the penitence he sought for his sins at the end of a whip. Jaikus denied him that and had granted him something far worse in its absence. The crushing weight of mercy.
His thoughts ventured to how he systematically destroyed everything around him. He thought back to the event at the castle where his mere presence had been toxic. His touch was toxic, poison that Jaikus reeled from. His thoughts were toxic. He was toxic to Morgan, Renfry, Tiamat and anyone else that ever came across him. He always hurt them in some shape or form. He always drew out pain.
“Psychological analysis failed.”
He had overturned that. He had found Raze. It had been his safety net. It protected him from feeling this kind of pain. He never got close enough to be toxic. He could simply unapologetically be who he was without a care to what anyone thought. It had been so simple back then. Back when he wouldn’t have felt the sting from watching Jaikus fear him. Back when he would relish that fear. Back when he would simply take whatever he wished and destroy him without a second thought.
Emryc was yanked out of his thoughts when Jaikus spoke, his silver gaze coming down to meet emeralds. He felt the blood wiped from his own lips and he knew then that he had to distance himself. He was poison and he had done enough damage. He was acid and he had burned through Jaikus both physically and mentally. He had done irrevocable damage and there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing he could do to fix it. Nothing he could do to turn back time and have Jaikus be the man he was moments ago.
The Sith Lord slowly eased himself away from Jaikus, bringing himself up to his feet. He bit back the urge to help Jaikus up, deciding that distance was best. The wince would haunt him for a very long time.
“I’m not going further in,” Emryc declared, “You need to get patched up at the camp. Then you can return here if you wish. I will leave the area.”
With that, the half Sephi turned towards where the door had been sealed behind them. He ignited his saber and began an attempt to cut through. The material held and the effort was exceptionally slow. Emryc took a few steps back and slammed his body against the door, rattling the entire thing. It still didn’t break the door. Without a word he tried again. And again. And again. He assaulted the door repeatedly, inflicting his toxicity where he felt he could. Where it couldn’t hurt anyone or cut into him in his humanity. Where it could only hurt him physically. He sought it now, sought the way his arm began to sting and bleed, where his knuckles became raw from repeatedly slamming into the door. He left dents as the door began to crack and slowly started fracturing from nothing but blunt force. The skins from his knuckles began to scrape off, and still he didn’t stop. Dust kicked up all around him as he kept going, hellbent on getting out of here instead of taking a single step deeper into the temple. Looking at his bloodstains on the door was easier than looking at the damage on Jaikus' face. Emryc wanted to run and he was clawing and fighting to do so.
@Altaris