Oysa Tenai.

[Joshua Cratin]

NAME: Oysa Tenai.
FACTION: None.
RANK: Hog herder.
SPECIES: Unknown.
AGE: 30.
GENDER: Male.
HEIGHT: 7ft 10in small for his age.
WEIGHT: 600 LBS.
EYES: Yellow.
HAIR: None.
SKIN: Brown, green.
CREDITS: 1000 Credits.
DISTINGUISHING MARKS: He has missing pinkie on his left hand.
DOMINATE HAND: Ambidextrous.
FORCE SENSITIVE: None.

STRENGTH: 9/10.
DEXTERITY: 7/10.
CONSTITUTION: 10/10.
INTELLIGENCE: 8/10.
WISDOM: 10/10.
CHARISMA: 9/10.


SKILLS:
Herding:10/10.
Hunting: 8/10.
Fighting 9/10.

LIGHTSABER/SWORD FORMS:
Monk fighting skills.

STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES:
Strengths he wont stop till he’s finished .
Weaknesses he has a virus slowly going through him.

GEAR:
Mashie hand cannon.
Hunting knife.
Staff.
Bow
Throwing stars.
Hand guns.

SHIP:
Star staffer.

PETS:
Hogs.

PERSONALITY:
he is faithful man and always finishes what he starts
he is very strong and always dose what he has to do.
vicious and he hates higher authority.
Fierce, strong, honorable, loyal and intelligent. hates when people get in front of him and his work.


HISTORY:
The enslavement
When Oysa was born he was born to enslavement.
The people enslaved them made them herders and builders.
When he was 15 they made him a herder so he herded hogs.
One days his flock was attacker by an great beast.
And at 21 he leads a rebellon on the planet he was born one.

KILLS:
None.

DUELING RING MATCHES:
None.

GRAND TOURNAMENT MATCHES:
None.

ROLE-PLAYS:
None.

 

[Brandon Rhea]

Per the profile rules:

Please also be aware that you are required to have a certain amount of words in the profile in order for it to be considered legitimate. If you follow one of the templates, there must be at least fifty words in the personality and fifty words in the history.

Please fix this or else I have to lock the thread.

 

[Joshua Cratin]

ok

 

[Jiang Winters]

STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES:
Strengths he wont stop till he’s finished .
Weaknesses he has rabies.

:CAbove:

:CIsee:

:CStern:

Fail. Rabies doesn't exist in the Star Wars universe. And even if it did, it'd almost certainly kill the guy unless treated before the neurological symptoms developed.

Also. The history is abysmal. There's no personality to speak of. And I can clearly make out canine features underneath his hat. Not to mention his claws. Oh, and he has a tail. His stats are tremendously overpowered to boot, especially for a pig herding slave who is only 21 years old and has rabies.

I don't mean to be cold, but you need to completely rewrite this, Joshua. It's like you found the pic and slapped together a profile in six or seven minutes to go with it. You need to elaborate on all the details in his history, and at least draft a rudimentary personality. You should also get rid of the rabies thing.

 

[Brandon Rhea]

Tone down the way you go about criticizing profiles, please. You may say that you're not trying to be rude or anything, but you are. There are other ways to get your point across than saying "fail" and "abysmal." Everyone is new to this sort of thing at some point.

 

[Jake]

Tone down the way you go about criticizing profiles, please. You may say that you're not trying to be rude or anything, but you are. There are other ways to get your point across than saying "fail" and "abysmal." Everyone is new to this sort of thing at some point.

Hakim was only pointing out facts, Superman. Jeez, who had kryptonite in their coffee this morning?

 

[Jiang Winters]

Tone down the way you go about criticizing profiles, please. You may say that you're not trying to be rude or anything, but you are. There are other ways to get your point across than saying "fail" and "abysmal." Everyone is new to this sort of thing at some point.

Yeah, ooops. Sorry about that Joshua. As for actually helpful critisicm, instead of more of my jackassery, I'll suggest this:

If the profile itself is giving you trouble, you might find it easier to abandon the more common format and instead write it from the character's point of view as a piece of prose. There are numerous profiles that use a style similar to that - Kurt's character, Serpentis, is one excellent example of prose, as are pretty much every member of the Bac family - that you can look at to get an idea of how that would work.

Personally, I find it much easier to write about a character's past from that character's perspective, and it also eliminates the need for a personality section because you're writing from their perspective, thus the way you write the profile is laying out their personality and story at the same time.

Sometimes it's also effective to sort of make a hybrid profile, where the prose about the character's story goes at the top and then basic physical information and a list of his skills and possessions goes at the bottom. Or vice versa; that's entirely personal preference there.

Now, with that out of the way, on to the profile itself.

My previous points still stand. Rabies, to my knowledge, is not a canon disease in the SW universe. Even if it was, it's a ticking time bomb that would kill your character within a relatively short period of time. [I think in less than a year].
Next, how would your character get monk fighting skills if he was a common pig herder? Perhaps he had a relative who was a monk, or he spent time with monks as a boy? This would be something you'd want to expand on in his history.

Speaking of his history, it needs expansion. Try to expand upon each point of his history, go into some detail and give us a glimpse into his life. For example, it says that now he leads a rebellion on his homeworld. Where is his homeworld? How did a simple pig-herding slave gather enough support to lead a rebellion? That would be a very good thing to go into detail on.

Finally, your character is rather overpowered, stats-wise. You should probably reduce some things considerably, especially the charisma and wisdom. While I'm no expert on people, I would think that being a pig-herding slave for most of his life would have a very detrimental effect on his charisma and wisdom. There are a few other things I saw, but these listed things are the most major, imo.

 

[Brandon Rhea]

Hakim was only pointing out facts, Superman. Jeez, who had kryptonite in their coffee this morning?

Facts can be pointed out politely, which Hakim acknowledged when he called his post "jackassery" and said "Yeah, ooops. Sorry about that Joshua."

 

[Jake]

Facts can be pointed out politely, which Hakim acknowledged when he called his post "jackassery" and said "Yeah, ooops. Sorry about that Joshua."

It was an excuse to say "Who had kryptonite in their coffee this morning?", but to be constructive, I pretty much agree with Hakim's points.