Meadow of Memories

[Symbiot Spider]

The Quasar Burner dropped through the atmosphere without any problems. It landed near one of the several coastlines Lamaredd was known for and rested in place for several minutes before the bay door hissed quickly and began to drop. Standing in the center of the bay doors, waiting for it to drop, was Dartel; knight of the Jedi Order. He was here in search of one of the masters within the Order. He had been back from his exile and fell right into the swing of things, but now that those things were smoothing out, he needed to take some time to deal with the personal things he couldn’t talk to padawans about. Things he needed counseling on. He heard of a master who spent most of their time on this planet, and he could see why, it was gorgeous. It would have been easier to stay in exile on a planet similar to this instead of wondering the void of space; it would have also taken less out of his soul, but Dartel pushed that thought aside for the time being.

As he descended the ramp he pulled his cloak around him, gathering most of the slack into the hood and pulling it up over his horned head and covering the heavy scar along his left eye. It had been years, one would think that they wouldn’t be as self-conscious as he was with an old scar. It was what it was, and Dartel pressed his presence deep into the force except to the one person whom he wanted counsel with; Master Gil. He pressed his mind out and followed the force down through some of the shoreline.

After almost ten minutes of walking, the force guided Dartel up away from the shoreline and it slowly began to turn into a calming meadow with sparse trees dotting the meadow. It looked like it might have been a battlefield at one point, but the land had reclaimed it. Several deep scores in the earth had been reclaimed by moss and grass. Large boulders rested, half covered in moss, all throughout the meadow; some having cut into the earth and resting in a bed of upturned earth. The battlefield, although apparently fierce in its time was now oddly calming. The force confirmed that this was the spot by dropping down into Dartel’s gut.

Not knowing how long it would take for their paths to cross, Dartel decided that as he waited he would meditate on some of the things he needed to discuss; maybe not everything, but the easier ones for sure. He slumped down and sat cross-legged after leaping up onto a medium sized boulder in a more central position in the meadow to make sure he wouldn’t be missed.

Slowly he allowed his mind to creep through the force and then eventually opened it up to his mind and allowed some of his thoughts to linger. They varied from topic to topic, but Dartel knew that certain ones would visit him more if he did this for long, and those thoughts were not things he wished to allow residence in his mind. No matter how happy they used to make him, now, they only brought him pain.

As much as he tried to keep her out, Quinn made herself center of his thoughts. It was clear that even the force was now telling him that he had waited too long to deal with this issue. First, he allowed him to absorb the awareness of his actions by focusing through the force on the topic itself, not the thoughts, but the issue as a whole. He could feel his presence and how it almost felt as if it were decaying on some of the edges of his mind. Dartel shook his head with a solemn grimace before heading into the central feeling of the issue; he missed her, he loved her, he wanted her and she was gone.

Dartel felt the pang of guilt, anger and extreme frustration run through his veins as if they were what kept him alive and blood was nothing more than an infection. He twisted the thought around until he was able to feel it solidify in his mind’s eye. He harnessed it and used it as a focuser as he reached out and gripped some of the varying boulders and fallen tries laying around and lifted them into the air. He allowed the strain on his mind calm his heart and its pain. He knew that what he was doing wasn’t what a Jedi typically would do, but he couldn’t see any other way. That was why he was here seeking answers on Lamaredd. He hoped that by doing this he didn’t slip too far off. He also wished this master would hurry so he could have something to distract him from the pain that was now ever present in his mind and heart.

 

[Raydo]

Reland had received a message from a Knight by the name of Dartel Vega requesting to meet with him on Lamaredd. The knight had given him a vague location and time some distance from the base.

He had looked up what information he could on the man, but there was not much. He had remained in the Order but had been away for some time. Reland could relate to this as he had taken a step back from the Order as well, though on a much smaller scale. He had since fully immersed himself in the Jedi Life again. Reland felt like he was fulfilling his purpose, he felt alive.

The coordinates took him away from Lamaredd's coast and into a small, peaceful meadow. In the meadow he found found a green skinned Zabrak sitting on a boulder near the center of the meadow. He was meditating, but Reland could sense it wasn't peaceful.

He walked toward the Jedi Knight, greeted the man.

"Hello there, you must be Dartel." He nodded his head at the man. "My name is Reland Gil. I understand you wanted to talk?"

 

[Symbiot Spider]

“… I understand that you wanted to talk?”

Dartel could feel his grip on the force slip; he could hear the confirmation from a boulder suddenly falling back to the earth. Slowly his eyes opened, how long had he been in that trance? He didn’t realize just how deep he allowed his pain to swallow him.

There was a long silence as Dartel sat still and just studied the man; it wasn’t meant to be a disrespectful once over, but it most likely came across as that. There was something homey about the man, his presence maybe, but it drew Dartel in. The first contact with a master, finally! Quickly, he leapt off the boulder and landed softly in front of Reland and quickly bowed deeply.

“Yes, master, I am Dartel Vega. Please excuse the nonexistent pretenses that accompanied the message, but I find myself in a deep need for counseling.”

Dartel allowed a bit of his grief slip through the force almost to add to his words and allow the master to get a sense of the scenario. He wasn’t sure what to do; did he just ask questions? Was he supposed to start with small chat first? It had been so long since Dartel had been a part of the Jedi hierarchy that he simply couldn’t remember.

Then a funny thing happened; he smirked and laughed to himself. It was as if he were a padawan once more forgetting the force was there to help when requested. Dartel took a slow breath and felt it cleanse some of his anxiety.

“I apologize Master, I have been away for some time and have quiet forgotten myself. I believe that I should inform you that I have some things to discuss both on a serious note and on a general note, but I am afraid that I am unsure which to ask first. The force leads me to follow my instincts, but my instincts and my hearts seem to be at war lately.”

There was a sudden soft and vulnerable quality to his words. Dartel reached through the force and allowed himself to sink in its familiarity and float on its confidence. Dartel gestured over to a break in the meadow and reached deeper into the force to align three boulders together to act as a sitting area. It wasn’t much, but it would be more comfortable than sitting on the ground, and Dartel did feel the need to be more hospitable given his company.

 

[Raydo]

Reland could feel the turmoil in the man that stood before him. His emotions ebbed and flowed as he out his words together. He let his some of his emotions be visible, but tried to hide others.

"You have nothing to apologize for friend. Emotions and feeling are often hard to put into words. By their nature, they are hard to talk about."

He followed the man's gesture to a ring of small stones. He began walking towards them as they continued to speak.

"I hope I not too forward in saying that I sense many conflicting emotions inside of you. It seems like a good place to start would be to step back from those emotions and then we can discuss and deal with him."

Reland removed his outer robe and placed it on a nearby rock, and sat on one of the stones around the circle.

"Before we begin I would like to spend just a moment in meditation. Step back from your turmoils and struggles and we can both look at them. Take your time, and when you are ready we may begin."

With that Reland closed his own eyes and began removing himself from his own troubles. When they had silenced themselves they would better be able to hear the Force and could then move into conversation. The sounds of meadow washed over Reland. He was still aware of the Jedi sitting across from him, but would remain silent until Dartel was ready to truly begin.

 

[Symbiot Spider]

Dartel nodded in agreement with the master, it probably wasn’t a smart idea as a Jedi to revel in the emotions while talking about them. He did however find it humbling to allow himself to have moments to truly feel what he felt every now and again. He sat down across from Master Reland and quickly closed his eyes to call the force around him.

“I agree that I will need a moment to step aside from these emotions. Thank you for allowing me this moment.”

He could feel the force and its calming warmth surround him. It was funny in that moment because normally he used his presence to calm some of the padawans he had trained or dealt with, but now it was the force doing it to him. He pondered if it was a reflection of himself and the force that was doing it, but quickly decided that it could wait for a later time. It was nearly ten minutes of silence with the only flickers of sound being from the meadow before Dartel took a final deep breath and pushed the last of his emotions away.

“Thank you again master, I am ready to look at these thoughts from an outside perspective.”

 

[Raydo]

Reland sat with the Jedi Knight for 10 minutes. In that time, he felt the man's mind begin to calm and separate himself from his emotions

There was nothing wrong with emotions but at times Reland believed there was benefit from stepping back from those emotions to evaluate them. The meadow almost radiated peace as it washed over the two.

Dartel broke the silence. The man had a stiff demeanor that Reland was not used to, but he seemed to be ready to talk. Reland gave the two an extra minute before continuing.

"Now, speak whatever comes to your mind first. Trust in the Force and I believe we will come to the answers you seek. Just take your time."

 

[Symbiot Spider]

Dartel could feel two things happening. His initial reaction was to begin discussing his old master, but that train of thought was cut short by another. He could feel the force outweigh his initial answer and pull his attention towards something else seemingly more persistent.

“In my exile I have done a lot of thinking about my past. Particularly about Quinn, she was my Master’s second padawan. We had several conversations about our mutual feelings for one another but never let ourselves give into them because it isn’t the Jedi way, but now all I can think about is what that relationship could have become. I know we are not to love, but this feeling still haunts me.”

He could feel a swell of frustration and guilt wretch through his body, but he quickly quelled it and remained silent to ensure he was completely balanced again. He turned away while talking, but had looked back over to Master Reland when finished; a slightly depressed and sheepish expression written over his face.

 

[Raydo]

Reland was not one to give relationship advice as he had next to no experience with it himself, but he listened the the Jedi Knight began talking. After he had finished and returned to looking at Reland the older man replied.

"Love is a tricky thing for a Jedi, which is why I think the Jedi of old forbade such attachments. While it is accepted today as a fairly normal occurrence for a Jedi, it still can be dangerous none the less."

Reland shifted legs into a more relaxed position in front of him before continuing.

"We all follow, or are supposed to, the will of the Force, but I sense have some guilt surrounding this woman. What is the source of this guilt?"

It was a direct question, but Reland often found that it was best to face hard feeling directly. Guilt was something Reland had experienced for a long time, and had only recently started to work through it. Perhaps this is why the Force had led them to meet each other. Reland sat patiently as he waited for the other Jedi to continue.

 

[Symbiot Spider]

"We all follow, or are supposed to, the will of the Force, but I sense have some guilt surrounding this woman. What is the source of this guilt?"

There was an instant pang of guilt with the obviously directed question. With a sigh, Dartel buried it deep and stepped aside from it to keep his mind balanced.

“It comes from my heavy heart. It wanted the relationship more than the oath I made as a knight. I thought it would be fine as we both decided that we should stay to our oaths, but when I lost her and my old master, my heart felt like it wanted to abandoned my chest and leave me like I left it.”

Dartel could feel his heart skip slightly as the memories attempted to flood back; he let in some of them, but stopped them quickly in their tracks and pushed them back under control as well.

“There is an underlying part of the guilt as well, master, I feel as though I cheated death that day and that I truly should be with them. I still don’t understand how I escaped that day, but I did. Alone.”

 

[Raydo]

The older Jedi ran his hand through his beard the the Jedi Knight spoke.

"I will speak on the relationship in a moment, but first I would like to talk about your "second guilt" about your guilt about living. That is felt by anyone who has ever lost someone. It is a guilt that I myself have been held captive by. I know it is a difficult thing to bear, the memory of loved ones, but it is one we must take one to honor those who departed before us. The will of the Force often does things we can not understand. You lived that day because it was your destiny to live that day. I know that doesn't make it easier, honestly, it never does. With that being said, we honor the dead by continuing on. "

He paused for a moment trying to think of the right words. Reland did not have much experiences with romantic relationships. He had always been awkward around women, and his life afforded him much time away from Jedi business.

"Relationships and personal attachments were banned for the Jedi Orders of old for that very reason. These restrictions changed and morphed over the generations until they are quite acceptable for most Jedi to have. The difficulty is balance. Some are able to balance themselves much more than others, but it is difficult for all."

The were little words to comfort someone with such loss. It was a even that surrounded most of the Jedi in the Order these days.

"Your feelings are natural. The problem is when we let guilt chain us to the past. It constricts the life out of us. I have walked that path and it only leads to darkness."