Loreth Kif [WIP]

[Jordan A]

COMPOSITION AND APPEARANCE: Loreth wears whatever fits the climate. His clothes consist of the color white and brown and goldish. He is average when it comes to muscles and he has short red hair and brown eyes. When in a temperate climate he wears a goldish jacket with a long sleeve white shirt and brown pants. In the tropical climate he wears a light goldish jacket with brown shorts and a white short sleeve shirt. In polar climates he wears
A heavy brown coat with a goldish long sleeve t-shirt underneath and brown pants with white gloves.

PERSONALITY: Calm quiet practical.


LIKES AND DISLIKES:
Likes
Money
Killing
Exploring
Pazaak

Dislikes
Failing at killing people
Losing money in Pazaak


STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES:

Strengths
Fighting with a blaster or unarmed.
Negotiating can get something for 200 when the price was 800

Weaknesses
Trouble making


HISTORY: Loreth was raised by his father to join the republic military but Loreth never excepted this role and never dreamed of following his father's footsteps. He was althought interested in the blasterpistol.
He would sometimes steal his father's blaster just to awake the next morning with a punishment. He hated his father and never knew his mother.
When he went to school as a child he never mentioned his parents and always said he was a orphan. Then when he turned 13 and begun his teenage years his father signed him up for a republic military training academy.

There at the academy he continued his interest in blasters and he was often found on the shooting range during his time at the academy. Whenever he could he would go without sleep just to shoot a few more times at the range. Then one day his father met him out on the range. Before his father could grab a blaster and pratice shooting with his son at his side Loreth shot him. He fired repeatedly at his father then he ran away. He stole his father's ship to Mandalorian Wookie and flew to tatooine.

The ship was beaten and bashed by astroids and ecetera on the way to coruscant. But once there the ship crashed into a building. He got out of the ship to be attacked by several thugs. If it wasn't for the time Loreth spent in the shooting range he would have died. But he gunned down the thugs and felt a feeling that he loved. He was the feeling you get after you murder someone.

Loreth concealed his blaster pistol in his jacket then headed to the nearest civiliation.
He met with crime lord Kala Shoro and in order to live life he begun murdering path and was introduced to being a bounty hunter. The one thing he was good at was murdering people with a blaster. He shot several men killed many women. Children weren't safe.

He helped Shoro persuade people to pay him on Ossus. Shoro gives jobs to Loreth. Loreth has a home on Ossus and Shoro offers him a room in the back of a cantina in coruscant. But he isn't at either much. For he is always off exploring and he plans on beginning a career in dueling.


KILLS: 0

DUELING RING MATCHES: 0


GRAND TOURNAMENT MATCHES: 0


ROLE-PLAYS:

 

[Jiang Winters]

Well, from what I understand, the Mandalorians don't exist/haven't been discovered/whatever in this timeline, so you might want to tweak that. Say, replace Mandalorian with Corellian or Corulag or something. I know it's just a WIP right now, but I figured I'd let ya know before you did much work involving Mandalorian culture and whatnot.

 

[Lavi]

Tattooine also has not been discovered yet in this timeline.

 

[Jiang Winters]

He stole his father's ship to Mandalorian Wookie and flew to tatooine.

:CAbove:

At the risk of sounding like a nitpicking perfectionist, you might want to reword that little part of your bio, as I can't make heads or tails of it.

 

[Dan.]

Whoa, a Mando Wookie would be crazy awesome.

 

[Jiang Winters]

Dangit Dan, you done went 'an took teh words right outta mah mouth.

:CHappy:

 

[Jordan A]

Anymore mistakes? :CAbove:

 

[Jiang Winters]

Well, I was about to commend you for making all the changes, but now that you ask... *Shifts through the profile, searching for any and all possible mistakes.*

He stole his father's ship to Mandalorian Wookie and flew to tatooine.

You might wanna fix this. Suggested fix:
"He stole his father's ship, the Mandalorian Wookie, and flew to Coruscant."

And a little after that there's this:

Loreth concealed his blaster pistol in his jacket then headed to the nearest civiliation.

Suggested Fix: "Loreth concealed his blaster pistol in his jacket, then headed for [Insert another part of Coruscant here]."
Reason for this is since the planet is one giant metropolis, the 'Nearest civilization' part doesn't make sense.

After that, ehh, a few things I think are kinda strange, but to each his own, I s'pose.

Edit: Don't take anything personally Jordan, everyone makes mistakes, and that's fine. I have FUBAR's in almost every new profile I churn out. That's the reason I like critique and try to give it out: Because it helps you, the player, develop a more polished character.

 

[Brandon Rhea]

Per the above, Mandalorians don't exist in 13,000 BBY, and Tatooine has yet to be discovered. That part needs to be altered or removed.

Also, this is a literary profile. This means you need to write things out in paragraph form. Your personality section is entirely subpar, and your Strengths/weaknesses and Likes/dislikes sections need to be written as paragraphs instead of lists. If you want to use lists, you can use the other style of RP profile which allows you to just list things.

 

[Jiang Winters]

If you'd like, Jordan, I can help you rewrite some of your profile.

 

[Storm]

If you'd like, Jordan, I can help you rewrite some of your profile.

Generally, a profile's someone's own work.

 

[Jiang Winters]

Minor clarification: By rewrite, I meant simply reformat and reword some things so that it fits in better with the character template. Anything blank he'd have to fill in, as I don't do content creation for others anymore. I had to conjure up a character for someone once, on another site... Not a experience I'm keen on reliving. But I am willing to help reformat things.

EDIT: Offer's off the table, after seeing this guy's 'tude in response to a reply left on his other character.