Ki've'muhi

[TenthCodex]

This may come as no surprise to a few people, but I've decided that perhaps it's time for me to take a long break from this site.

When I first came here, I didn't really know what to expect. I just found this site on google and after a bit of skulking around, I decided, "Hey, why not join?" So I joined, and initially I was scared. It was a new site, and I was so hesitant to ask questions. I've always been fearful of meeting new people, because throughout my life I've always viewed myself as a screw up, someone unwanted. I was hesitant to talk to any staff, and I was so fearful that every mistake would just gather me hate. This feeling has been with me throughout most of my life, and it isn't hard to shake at the beginning.

But as the site went on, I made one of my favorite characters, Alask. I sucked ass at drawing then, and I wasn't the best at writing biographies and all that trash. (Granted this was my first time on an RP forum.) But eventually I managed to enjoy him more then my Jedi and past all the other characters in my arsenal. He was my number one, and eventually I got better and drawing! More time went on, and I met some really amazing people like Captain and others. I eventually managed to have Alask joined the Free Trade Guild, and things were going good.

However, I garnered a few experiences, and my opinions started to become bias. This only increased when one thing happened. During one point, I was brought into a battle by a friend, and this battle was horrible. Immediately, this battle brought up many problems, and it's no question that it was a total mess in some portions. It was then that someone shared a bit of knowledge with me, and I was angry. I didn't know how someone could do something like that, and I stayed silent because of that person's sake.

But I knew it wasn't the right thing to do, so slowly and surely it ate away at me. I should've have spoken up earlier, and I tried to, but I was afraid. I heard horror stories of people being banned, blackballed, and not a single word spoken about their bans. I was scared to speak my mind, because I was afraid of that happening to me. Raising my concerns only to wind up with the possibility of being blackballed from the site? That scared me.

Even now, I'm scared. I'm deathly afraid, and I know that the fear will probably never leave me now. But I'm used to the fear of life, and to the rumors I know have been circling. Don't think I don't know.

Now at this point, I feel like I don't belong here on SWRP anymore. I'm scared, and that fear isn't going to get any better. At this point, I think I just need to disappear for a bit and find a way to forget.

I had a lot of fun times on this site. I met a lot of cool people, but at the same time, I was never involved with this community. I never spent the time because I was so fearful, and now I probably never will thanks to that fear escalating. I'm sorry.

And to a special someone, I'm sorry. I know I screwed up. I'm a horrible person, and I won't stop you from taking out any hate or anger however you like. Berate me, insult me, do whatever you want. As long as you can feel better, I don't care. Because ultimately, you deserve more happiness then my sorry ass. You're a wonderful man, and I don't deserve your friendship. If you wish to hate me for all eternity, do so, because I'll at least be happy that you did what you needed to.

Maybe one day I can return and make things right. Maybe I'll never be able to.

Goodbye.

 

[Dmitri]

It's sad to see that you feel the need to leave, making a cry of attention in the process, but I bid you luck in your future endeavors nevertheless. PvP is a volatile thing, and sometimes there can be bad PvP experiences. My first two PvP experiences involved accidentally killing my teammate when trying to fight a single enemy and later getting bitch-slapped by a Barabel's tail after trying to block Force lightning with sand. No one is perfect, and sometimes things happen. But by complaining in the shadows, rather than dealing with matters head-on with the people you think may be biased, helps no one. It only brings other people uncertain together, and through groupthink come to incorrect conclusions of admin bias and such. We're all people, admins included, and it's not impossible for a moment of frustration by venting a comment not meant to be taken too seriously to be taken too seriously, as gospel. I am uncertain where the rumors of threatening and blackballing, as we try to keep PvP drama-free when we can, as drama is good for no one. If someone is blackballed, consider a different perspective. What might they have in common? Were they toxic during PvP? Have they had issues of causing drama in PvP? Those could be factors in why a person may be restricted from PvP, as to avoid toxicity and drama being spread to other unwitting members. Whispering to one another of fear of admins and elitists only solidifies the fear. Most admins, as long as you are civil, will be civil back; we are approachable.

 

[Clayton]

If you're feeling harassed or believe people are being toxic OOCly, you need to bring it up with staff in a PM or reports. We don't tolerate that here. A lot of times, player's issues with problematic behaviors don't get reported, which unfortunately just lets that behavior fester and get worse before we're made aware of it. And by that point what we do find out is a long culmination of things that might warrant more than a 0-point warning. Insofar as the mystery surrounding member bans, we don't discuss member bans except in very special circumstances (like Bee) because detailing all about how bad Member X was in public is not helpful or professional.

 

[Nefieslab]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so uncomfortable and feeling like you need to leave, Tenth.

Sometimes things happen in the RP that bring out emotional responses and that's fine - what we shouldn't do is let that eat away at us and effect how much fun we can have elsewhere in the RP or colour our perception of people too much.

I'm guilty of it - I've gotten salty and let it guide what I've said. I've said things in private chats I've come to regret almost immediately and it can have far reaching, unintended, consequences. I'm guilty of it here - I made unfounded comments about people based on salt and I'm sorry that my ill-chosen words in anger have helped to lead you to this decision, this way of thinking, Tenth.

But that is a reflection on me as a person making a mistake and it isn't a reflection of the site as a whole or of the admin team or anyone else. That's on me for not airing my issues publicly and finding out sooner that they weren't what I believed them to be, that I had the wrong end of the stick and let my salt run my mouth.

I hope that you aren't leaving based on my mistake, Tenth. I don't want anyone to leave or to have bad thoughts about this site based on a mistake I made because this site and it's community have been good to me and others, they've really have been. I've made mistakes in the past and they've been so very good about them as well - I can agree whole heartedly with Dmitri when they say that the admins are approachable.

Again, I hope that my mistake isn't pushing you away and if it is, I am so very sorry.

 

[TwoSidedHeart]

So I was lurking on your page to see if I could find anymore adorable Alask and Chriss threads to feed my need for the ship and I come across this. Like, wow. This is really sad. :( I hope you get through this fear and make your way back to the site because you seem really into writing and have some really great stories. (Again, I do a lot of lurking lol). Also like on a purely selfish level, I'll miss writing with you since you reinvigorated my inspiration for RP and literally kick started my aimless characters entire arc. :) As somebody whose not 'involved with this community' as such, I fully get that which is why I've just been going out of my comfort zone and hitting people up. Which is mostly just me lurking in the character profiles section until I find characters who I think would be cool for a random rp with my babies lol. Anyway, I hope you enjoy your break and you're back soon!!! I'll put my threads with Skan and Alask on hold until you're back!

Um, also just from a non mod/just back after another hiatus kinda P.O.V, I'd just like to say that I get the feeling from this post that it wasn't that he felt like the mods were unapproachable, but if he went to them then somehow someone other than the mod he went to would fall back on his head? Not a fear of the mod, but a fear of someone above the mod? Idk, I have no idea how the chain of command works since I don't pay attention. But like, the mod would go discuss the issue with whoever and then that person would come for him? Not really sure what blackballing means but I'm going to guess it means account deletion or something? And just one battle ruining somebodies experience here? o_O Maybe it was something behind the scenes in that battle? Like OOC or something? Or maybe I'm reading into this because I've been up for almost 20 hours. Idk. Just thought I'd offer my perspective in case it helps in some way. :)

 

[Armcore]

Yo'...
I know my response to this ain't as long or understandable as the others, but... i'm so god damn sorry for ya' man.

I've been on this site for like... a few months or under now, but you, my man, were the first person i played with. I was scared in a way when i joined. When you pm'ed me and asked if i'd wanted to play with ya'... i was unsure if i should answer. I did.
You made me forget all that crap. I just enjoyed playing with you.

All good things come to an end i guess.
I hope you come back some day, my man.