Harsh Realities

[Raz Solus]

She wasn’t very good at this. And she felt like a lesser version of herself. She had tried to lift up a cup of water, and it promptly shattered in her hand. Raz threw the shards across the room in anger, her chest rapidly rising and falling as she felt her rage beginning to take over. She was weak. She was broken. She was damaged goods. How could she ever maintain her duties like this?

She was still in a hospital bed, finally having been taken to a medical bay after Corellia. As she had predicted, they weren’t able to save her arm. She was left with a prosthetic, all of her beautiful tattoos gone with the limb. Raz had tried to leave the medical bay at once, and she had been ordered back to bed several times. Today was the first day she was allowed to climb out and walk, and it was the first time she could attempt to use the prosthetic. She felt like a strange cyborg with the robotic arm, and it took her a while to even flex her fingers. Raz ignored the lectures about how she would need rehabilitation, her heart broken over the loss.

More than the pain, she could only focus on the feeling of losing a part of her. Could she hold a gun the same? Could she fight the same? Raz looked at herself in a mirror, and she hated what she saw. She wasn’t in armor, and she looked small and frail. Her body was covered in various bandages still and her arm hurt from where it had been removed. She knew she would have to live with this for the rest of her life, and she would have to accept never touching things the same again.

Raz sighed and buried her face in her hands, feeling the cold metal of her new prosthetic against her skin. Had it all been worth it?

 

[Koil Solus]

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Tap, tap, tap, tap, one after another the nurse's footsteps echoed ever so slightly on the polished floors. The shoes had good support and were meant for somone who was on their feet most of their day but that did not make the sound any more comforting. Whether the floors themselves had intentionally been turned to a reflective sheet or not was another thing that was still common in many hospitals. Many of them got foot traffic to a great extent and were also cleaned and waxed even to some extent but that did not make the location any more appealing. Hospitals, regardless of their importance were not a place Koil liked visiting.

Koil had taken his own personal transport to the hospital and was not wearing his normal fully armored beskar'gam and armament. He probably would have been turned away at the door if he was fully kitted out in his normal death dealing garmants. After all the doctors and staff here were intent on saving lives as a career and anybody who was in the business of the opposite was regarded with looks. Whether the looks came from his proffession, mannerisms or even species Koil did not care.

Today the Echani was carrying a wooden board under one arm and a small box in the other. His outer wear was his casual clothes followed by his troupe that, for the time being, remained as silent as he was.

Down the hall he heard a crash and the nurse quickened her pace. She opened the door shortly after and through the portal the Al'Verde saw his Alor with a troubled look. "Thank you nurse. We'll call if we need anything." He said giving an indication that they should be left alone. The nurse complied and departed but not without a moment of hesitation. Koil waited until they had left before turning his blank visor back towards Raz.

He stood on just the inside of the doorway for a moment in silence as usual. After a second he walked across the room and set the wooden block on top of a side table. He picked up the magazines that had been on it for a moment before tossing them on another side piece of furniture. Afterwards the Echani would walk over to the chair beside the bed with the box still in hand and set it down in his lap as he took a seat. He was sore from the ordeals of the past few weeks but he was sure they were nothing compared to what Raz had dealt with. Even if they were not, he was not one to complain. All the same he would sigh and cock his head to the side, waiting to see what the woman had to say. He knew she was not one to be limited in words.

@Sreeya ​

 

[Raz Solus]

She wasn’t exactly expecting visitors, and she was more than a little surprised to see Koil of all people. It was always difficult to get him to come out anywhere, and she practically had to give him an order to show up at a social gathering last time. Thus, when he smartly walked towards her room and stepped in, she stood in stunned silence. A part of her was downright embarrassed to be seen like this, especially as she felt weak and frail. She gazed into the blank visor, not knowing what kind of expression he was making behind it. For all she knew, he was giving her a look of pity, and the thought nagged at her mind.

He didn’t say anything, and silence hung between them till it became almost tangible. Raz simply stared at him for that time, her expression vacant as his helmet. She finally looked away and sighed, “Did you come here to see how pathetic I am?” She grumbled. Raz glanced down at her cybernetic arm, struggling to flex the fingers, “To see how I can’t even lift a cup to my lips?” Her voice cracked just slightly at the second question, and it was clear she had to try hard to hold her emotions in check. Koil had always been the expert at that, and he always appeared devoid of emotions in general. Sometimes she wondered if he were even human.

He was the last person she wanted to see her like this, but here he was. Raz walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, facing him. She couldn’t bring herself to even look where his eyes were, too ashamed of herself, “Did you come here to give me some sort of news?” Why else would he be here? Raz hadn’t even bothered to tell her clansmen where she was out of being entirely too broody. The fact that he found her meant he specifically sought her out, and she figured it needed to be some sort of reason.

@Darasuum

 

[Koil Solus]

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He sat there for a few moments. He could admit his helmet did not always convey what he wanted easily. He inhaled slowly, his shoulder and chest noticeably changing from the act though his breath would not likely make a sound through his helmet. His eyes were unfocused and directed towards the edge of the bed. Back and forth his pupils went thinking, searching for something to say.

"You are a lot of things Raz..." He shook his head slightly. "...but you're not pathetic." When she sat on the edge of the bed where he had been looking he raised his visor so the center would be meeting her eyes. He knew that saying something, anything could be just as bad as saying nothin. Yet he had still spoken and he knew there were words to come from both of them.

She wondered if he had news. He gritted his back teeth slightly, clenching and unclenching his jaw. Perhaps that was just how she saw him, professional and direct. Well he could not be annoyed by that. It was what he had worked hard towards. Non stop mission after mission. Even his off time was honing his abilities for the most part. It was not so hard to believe that Raz figured he would only be here out of duty and obligation as Al'Verde and nothing else. That stung a little.

This visit was was not about him and he was not about to make it so. "You miss your tattoos right?" He did not have news to bring her, nothing that would make her feel better, perhaps at best it would only distract her and keep her from facing the new status of her body. Koil would continue speaking though because he knew the answer already. "Tell me about them. When did you get your first one?" He took the box off of his lap and set it down next to the chair. What was inside could wait. He was genuinly interested in her ink though. He enjoyed designing tattoos and had some skill with old school style methods of the traditional body modification. Koil had never seen her tattoos in full but tattoos were perhaps one of the few non-combat related past times he enjoyed.

@Sreeya​

 

[Raz Solus]

Raz was caught off guard by his blunt admission that she wasn’t pathetic. She had always heard a monotonous tone from him, but there were flavors of something more human mixed into it this time. She eyed him quietly as he shifted slightly, and she could tell something had made him uncomfortable. Was it being in her presence like this? She couldn’t tell what was going on behind the helmet, and she couldn’t guess that her comments earlier could hurt him.

When he asked about the tattoos, the surprise was visible on her face. She had no T-visor to obscure her expressions, and she could only let him see it all. Raz’s eyes fell towards the box he had with him, and she noticed him setting it aside. Curiosity burned in her to ask what was in it, but she had to process his question first. In the end, she simply smiled, glancing down at the cybernetic arm, “The first one was the one on my back. It’s our sigil and it takes up a huge portion of my back. My father was...not thrilled about it,” She had to chuckle, remembering when she had come home with it as a teen and he had screamed at her. Wasn’t it enough to have it on her armor?!

“The rest are to signify every battle I’ve been in, every moment in my life I wish to remember, any hardship and other paths I’ve taken….both the right ones and the wrong,” She guided a metallic finger along the tattoos on her opposite arm, “I will miss them greatly, but I guess a cybernetic arm can also be a permanent reminder of the hardships I’ve faced.”

Raz glanced back at him, seeing her reflection on the surface of his helmet, “Why do you still hide?” She paused for a moment before adding quietly, “From even me?”

@Darasuum

 

[Koil Solus]

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Half expecting to hear a question in response he listened to her words about her ink or rather what had used to be on her body and was now replaced with artificial alterations. Our symbol, that made the edge of Koil's mouth twitch to a slight comforted smile. But her response, referencing her father, told him more about her than she may have realized. His dislike for his daughter to get such a tattoo meant he did not want the tattoo aspect or the badger aspect on the flesh of his kin. Both options indicated one thing or another but each were different. He had feared for his daughters happiness, possibly future regret or irresponsibility traits exibiting early on. The other was a deeper and not the do-gooder option but considering Solus's history up until recently he was not surprised.

When she mentioned remembrance of both success and failure he remembered scars he had on his own body. The price of victory was one of his earliest lessons by his first father. He wondered how to respond at first to continue from that point. He knew the conversation would return to a solemn note before too long but she surprised him a little by asking a question directly to him. On top of that it seemed to have a larger hint of personal curiosity than he had expected.

"Who says I'm hiding?" Some part of him knew those words had been said with some sense of defense. Another knew that Raz may have been changing the subject. But considering she had answered his question he would sigh and tilt his head down. "I can do things others can't. I've done things I'm not proud of. I've kept it simple and maybe too simple but I'm...we're still here." He looked upon at her then off the side thinking of the name Solus. He nodded his head to himself before continuing. "I don't think I hide behind this helmet. I protect myself and others, from themselves and their own predispositions. Hiding, it keeps things simple in a complicated galaxy. Perhaps some part of me also just wants to be prepared for the unexpected." Of course when he said simpler it was obvious he meant easier and he naturally came back around to being defensive again.

The Echani would continue though before his wounded leader could interject again. He changed tones to a more relaxed on indicating he was moving on already from the previous bluntness. "If you ask anything more of me though you gotta earn it" He leaned forward and stood up. Walking over to the side table he placed his hands on the hunk of wood he had brought shifting it slightly so it straightened along the edge of the table it was on. He knew it probably seemed like he was switching subjects but he knew the queeries that Raz had were unavoidable. She wanted answers and she would get them but Koil had a plan to knock out two birds with one stone. Hopefully she would not be offended because of his denial of a possible easy response. Then again he silently wished her to protest, show some of her trade mark attitude.

Turning back to the woman he would walk back over and pick up the box. He took the lid off of it and held it out for her to take it. Inside were half a dozen throwing vibro-blades. "For every blade you make stick into that target I'll do as you ask even if it's to answer any question." He already knew what she would likely ask but he made the offer anyway. The activity would take her mind off of disrepair of losing a limb. She would acknowledge the loss and adapt, in turn becoming stronger now having some motivation.

@Sreeya​

 

[Raz Solus]

Raz listened as he shared his reasons, and she couldn’t help the smile that began to creep on her face. He was elegantly dancing around the topic, and it was as smooth as ever. She always counted on him when it was necessary to have a calm and cool touch regarding a situation. She admired many things about people in her House, and they all had different attributes. Koil stood apart from many Mandalorians in the traditional sense that he didn’t rush into situations wildly. He was calculating and cautious, and that made him a powerful ally to have. Their people couldn’t afford to be reckless or stupid when they were cornered so badly and had the threat of the empire on them.

“Earn it?” Raz repeated back to him, her eyes widening, “You’re making me have to earn things?” She quirked an eyebrow, “You know I should be able to just order you to take off your helmet,” Raz tried to keep a serious face, but failed horribly. In the end she simply bit her lip, the smile threatening to crack through. She could practically feel him rolling his eyes, even though she wouldn’t see it. Raz eyed him curiously as he walked over to retrieve the box, finally revealing what he had in mind. When she saw the blades, she scoffed, “Oh please, that’s child’s play.”

She reached over with her dominant hand before finally understanding what he meant. Raz paused, looking down at the cybernetic, and then back to him, “I…” She couldn’t back down from this. She was a Badger. She stared back at the knives for a moment, reaching the metallic hand over. It took her a moment to figure out how to close her hand around such a thin object. Even that little gesture took a while, but she finally managed it.

Raz stared at the block and lifted the arm up with some difficulty, concentration on her face. She analyzed, thought about it, judged distance, did the whole nine yards. She finally released the blade and - watched it clatter to the floor not even halfway across. The disappointment was clear on her face. With a sigh, she walked over and picked up another blade and tried again. This one barely went any further. She cried out in frustration this time, shaking her head, “I can’t! I kriffing can’t!” She closed her eyes and tried to rein in her emotions, but it was surprisingly difficult. She knew he was watching, but she felt ashamed to even look at him, “Look at this...look how worthless I am..”

@Darasuum

 

[Koil Solus]

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Her confidence was her natural state and he expected as much from her initially. He knew she would not have liked the easy way of just ordering him to take his helmet off. She would have done it by now if that was what she truly wanted. He knew that was how she felt because that was how he felt. If he did not earn something he did not feel he deserved it.

Raz's expression changed visibly as she picked up on his tactic. He waited for her to finish the sentence she barely started but she chose to pick up the throwing knife instead. Waiting patiently in silence he watched her grip, thinking about how to hold it. Throwing a knife was no easy feat even for someone with full motion and control over their body. But nothing in his life had been hard and it was not getting easier. Right now it looked like Raz needed some tough love.

She tried once, failing. She tried again, failing again. But Koil did not share her frustration. Swallowing he walked over to the blades that lay on the floor and bent over to pick them up. "You know how I joined Clan Solus?" He looked the blades over, checking them to see if there were dents or anything on them but they were resilient weapons. I his own opinion they were as pretty as they were deadly.

"I grew up, to an aruetii family. We moved around a lot, not for any good reason. One day my father's bad business caught up to us on Randon. Some bounty hunters were shooting to kill, not capture. But my father was not the only one with a price on his head. Turns out these hunters were little better than thugs. Some members of Clan Solus show up, having tracked the bounty hunters that had about an equally big bounty on their head. My parents were already dead but I had been hiding. I could not have done anything but when the Clan arrived I jumped out at them. I don't know what I was thinking. I punched, kicked and cried until my skin was broken. The man I was attacking just held me back and practically laughed at me. I must have seemed like wild child because he thought I had the potential to be a Badger. After that they adopted me and the rest is history." He did not know if she knew that. She probably had been privy to it since before now. But he thought he may as well divert to another point.

@Sreeya​

 

[Raz Solus]

Raz watched him pick up the blades, the remnant of her arm cramping up for a moment. She bit her lip to force her way through the pain. She was embarrassed, and she felt like a weaker version of herself. She was always used to being strong in every regard, always ready to face any challenge. Yet now she felt like a hollow shell, her spirit deflated and the fire in her nothing more than smouldering embers. Raz looked up when he began to speak, the words distracting her from her rage at herself.

For all her time knowing him, she didn’t know the story of how he made it over to her clan. As he described what happened, she couldn’t help but smile faintly, “You punching and lashing out at someone? I can’t imagine that,” It was true. He was always cool and levelheaded, and she found it impossible to imagine him ever getting brash about anything. It was more like her to act like that, so it was entertaining to ever picture him doing it. Her eyebrows rose, “Wait.. I failed with the knives. How did I earn that little snippet?”

Raz realized she found herself walking towards him, taking one of the knives from his hands. She looked at the block again and aimed carefully, her arm trembling a little. It was clear this was draining for her, but she wasn’t the type to give up easily. She threw the knife again - this one landing much closer but still not anywhere near the block. Her jaw tightened, and she had to fight to keep the frustrations away.

“And what kept you with Clan Solus?” Her gaze was narrowed as she looked at the block before she finally relaxed and looked at Koil once more.

@Darasuum

 

[Koil Solus]

____________

Music​

He knew she would get a kick out of it. Hell, everbody in the clan probably would if they knew. Nobody outside of Koil's direct family knew about his upbringing. Being raised in the remoteness of Mandalore had its perks when trying to keep family dealings a secret. One day they had a fully armored, capable warrior added to their ranks. As far as the rest of the Clan was concerned he was just some mysterious distantly related cousin. It had worked for a long time.

Koil had not given her that story as a reward for her efforts. He did not reward failure. He said it to make a point. Chewing over the thought of how to say it she asked him why he stayed. His eyes drifted down to the ground where the knife she had just thrown lay flat against the clean hospital floor. "I made a promise..." He took a pause to remember it and then the eyes behind his visor rose up to look at Raz who he found already staring back at him. "...to myself. I promised I would never be weak again."

He inhaled and exhaled audibly. It had been a long time since he had said anything like that. It had been part of him for so long he had not conciously thought about it. Even though he was wholly Mandalorian now he had wanted revenge for his aruetii family. But the perpetrators of their deaths had been killed. No chance at revenge when those you wanted to punish were already dead. For years he had then only sought to better himself, doing it for selfish reasons. Only in the later years of his life with his mandalorian family did he realize he wanted to be strong for others.

Turning his helmet he nodded to the weapon that was on the ground. "Try again." he would not allow her to engineer her way into having him spill everything all at once. He needed her to be motivated and he would not let his own act of divulging hinder her from regaining her strength.

@Sreeya​

 

[Raz Solus]

She noticed he didn’t get the knife this time, and she simply grinned. As he spoke, she walked forth and slowly reached down to retrieve it, her body still sore from the other injuries she had sustained. In the end, she got it with some difficulty, straightening up again and looking at the block. She shook her head at his words.

“Why make a promise you can’t keep?” Raz tilted her head to look at him, “Everyone has moments of weakness, it’s what allows us to become stronger in the end. We know to strive towards something better from weakness,” As she said that, she threw the knife again. This one was substantially better than the other attempts. It didn’t land square in the middle, but it grazed past the side of it and wedged into the wall behind it. It was a testament to the power that was packed behind each throw.

Raz wasn’t going to push him for anything he didn’t want to share or reveal. At this point, she was feeling some of her confidence seep back in. The last throw reminded her that she wasn’t out of the game just yet. She flexed and unflexed the metallic fingers, learning to get used to the grip. She stared at the hand for a long moment.

“He was so happy to do this to me,” Raz said after a moment, “The Sith that did this. He smiled the entire time. It was as if he weren’t human, not alien. But some sort kriffed up monster that was entirely twisted in the head,” She went over and picked up another knife, throwing it. It once again grazed the block, stabbing into the wall behind it.

@Darasuum

 

[Koil Solus]

____________

The woman was tenacious for sure. Whether it be in combat or her questioning of personal subjects she did not relent. The edges of his mouth twitched for a half second in amusement at her characteristics. But perhaps she failed to see what he had meant. He had been beaten. Koil had weaknesses aplenty. It was a constant progress that was never ending. In one way it was a promise that could not be broken as he continued trying to be better than his former self. On the other hand it was a promise he could never really keep either. He was mortal after all but the living never stopped trying reach their new horizons. Koil was not here to discuss existential situations or philosophical points of views though.

All the same Raz's words rang true. He was not so serious or foolish to think he could become unbeatable. It did not stop Koil from trying. This moment was a perfect example. He felt his guard lowering and alarms inside his head going off. They were telling him out of habit, ritual and paranoia to not let others in close. But he was here anyways. The desire actually live overcame his urge to just exist and he fed that. It was first in his life to be sure.

Thunk, the knife hit the wall. He looked at the blade in the wall and slowly looked back over at Raz. He was impressed. While her aim had been off, the strength she had shown made him smile fully under his helmet. His Alor, his Mand'alor, had her strength returning to her and he could tell she was growing more confident with each attempt. He wondered if she realized the words that she had just spoken. They were seeds of belief embedding themselves in her own psyche, like cells growing over an injury making it a scar, making it stronger.

The words that followed though as she recalled her painful experience though made his smile fad. The thought of injury, of combat returning to his mind. He wondered for a moment about the person that had caused her harm. For certain he wanted no small amount of revenge on her behalf. But like she said, nobody was invulnerable and he was certainly not all knowing. If he had the information on those that had done her harm he would have sought revenge.

Thunk, he snapped out off his own tunnel vision of smoldering rage back to the moment at hand. Koil's thoughts would not linger on any possible future outside of this room. He was here for Raz and that was all that he was focused on. "What we believe shapes who we are. Belief can bring us salvation or destruction. But when we believe a lie for too long, the truth doesn't set us free. It tears us apart." It was something his father said a long time ago and it stuck with him. Now he saw it in many Imperial worlds. They did not want to face the truth because they knew that would be like stepping into a meat grinder. Too bad for them there was another thing that would tear them up and it was far more literal and it came in the shape of a V slit visor and a badger sigil.

He was so deep in his mind that it took him a moment to realize he sounded like some sort of preacher. He huffed in amusement at his own rhetoric. "Sorry, keep going." He meant both of her speach as well of her practice with the knives he brought.

@Sreeya​