First Steps

[Tasha Blackwell]

She had been in denial over how much time she spent here, but she always made some excuse to do so. Last time it was because her ‘speeder driver’ was late in picking her up. The time before that she more or less faked being slightly sick as an excuse to stick around longer and get a kick out of seeing Gil fret a little. This time, however, she ran out of excuses and didn’t even bother.

Tasha would return to work early the next morning, but for now she hung out on Gil’s couch and had the Holonet playing the Emeperor In Paradise. She could perhaps make the excuse that she didn’t have good connection at home and couldn’t stream shows? Yeah right. She owned several homes at this point, but she frequented this place often. Tasha had arrived here on the pretense of work discussions and the plan for their new factories. Of course, things progressed as they often did and she found herself here hours later.

“I’m bummed they voted the Mando off,” Tasha said as she reached for a bag of snacks. Her feet were curled underneath her on the couch, and she looked as comfortable and at home as could be (though she’d never admit it). Yellow eyes were fixated on the Holo, her hair still messily falling at her shoulders. Tasha had re-applied her makeup, of course. It would be a while before she kicked that habit.

“What do you think?” She tilted her head to look at Gil. Tasha had a serious look on her face. This was a topic of utmost importance. The fact that she had scoffed and trashed the concept of the show to high heavens just two weeks prior was forgotten.

 

[Gillian Rel]

Tasha seemed to be spending a fair amount of nights over at his place, a fact Gil had no complaints about. She made excuses here and there and Gil didn't press her on the issue. This was who she was, he had long learned to be alright with the subtle way she showed feelings, even if he had always been a more out in the open, feelings on sleeves kind of guy.

He had returned from Ord Cantrell only this morning, it was glorious to not sleep with the sound of a million bugs just outside your window. Things were coming along, but it was a slow process.

Gil lounged on the couch next to the Pantoran woman as she intently watched some holo-reality show. He couldn't even begin to explain how anyone, especially Tasha would find this interesting. He had long been dozing in and out of sleep, responding to her as she occasionally talked.

He stirred slightly as she reached over him and grabbed the bag he held against the side of his leg with one arm. "Hrm?" he blinked his eyes opened, realizing she had asked him a question several seconds ago. "Yeah, she was the best." he said clearly having no clue what she was talking about. "She was dancing one, right?" he said, no clue if there even had been a dancing one or what that actually meant.

He yawned, head falling back against the back cushion of the couch, brushing her shoulder.

 

[Tasha Blackwell]

Tasha scowled at Gil as he randomly blurted about ‘the dancing one’, “I don’t think Mandos dance…” She muttered quietly, focusing back on the show. This week was about a beach trip, and so far it looked to be pretty exciting. She switched over to another channel where an interviewer was waiting for Solone to come on set. The crowd was waiting, but she hadn’t appeared yet.

She turned to look at Gil, watching him beginning to doze off again. She still wasn’t quite used to seeing him so comfortable around her. He was always on high alert, and constantly looking out for everyone. For a moment she said nothing, simply staring at him. She popped another snack into her mouth, her mind wandering to various different places. She thought about the first time he had admitted his feelings for her, and how she had let him walk away. She thought of how she arrived here that rainy night. She hadn’t explained anything, and he hadn’t asked.

Tasha thought about how she always arrived where he was but always much later. How did he simply know these things? Why did it take that much longer for her? She watched his peaceful face for a moment, finding herself fascinated by the details of his face. She looked over the pointy ears that twitched every now and then as he faded into sleep.

“Gil…” She said quietly, “I think I lo-” She was interrupted with a snore. Tasha stopped midway, her eyes wide. To her surprise, she found herself smiling and rolling her eyes. She nudged him awake, “You’re missing the date,” She pointed to the Holo where they were now racing jetskis.

 

[Gillian Rel]

Gil drifted in and out of sleep comfortably as Tasha continued to watch her show. He wasn't really sure how long it had been when he felt the nudge in his side. He jumped slightly, hand already beginning to move to a blaster holster that wasn't there.

He blinked his eyes several times until they came back into focus. "I was not asleep..." he protested before realizing that isn't what she had said to him. He coughed as his mind was pulled further from sleep. "I mean...I have been paying attention the entire time..I was just resting my eyes for a second.." he said as he sat up slightly. He rested an arm on the back of the couch around Tasha.

He let out another yawn as he reached into the bag Tasha was holding and pulled out some of the food contained within. "So let me get this straight." he said looking over at Tasha. "He is one of the most powerful men in the galaxy, but he has to get women to come on a game show to get dates? Why?" he said tossing another piece of food in his mouth. "This is why the Empire is going to shit...the Mandalorians would never pull this shit.." he said with a shrug. He didn't really understand where the enjoyment was in all of this, but it seemed like a small price to pay for what he assumed was a normal evening.

 

[Tasha Blackwell]

Tasha was silently relieved he hadn’t heard what she had almost blurted out. In fact, her heart was pounding against her chest, and she was reeling from her own stupidity. When he first spoke, she was distracted, staring at him with mild confusion. It took her a moment to realize he was talking about the show again, and she was happy he had absolutely no clue about her near spill.

“Obviously he’s trying to relate to the public,” Tasha explained, “You can’t win your people over if you’re always some random behind a mask,” She reached over to grab a few of the snacks from the bag he was holding. Her gaze was on the Holo, “Besides… he’s not so bad..” She said in a quieter voice. Tasha hadn’t mentioned Varyn to Gil since the suspicion a while ago about his feelings towards her. She was entirely clueless about Gil’s feelings towards the matter.

“And the Mandalorians have the emotional range of a pile of pebbles,” Tasha grimaced, recalling any conversation she had ever had with a Mandalorian. It was a wonder they weren’t still cavemen that pointed and grunted. The fact that Raz Solus was able to entertain a diplomatic meeting was a miracle. Tasha turned her attention back on Gil.

“And look at all the nice dates they’re going on,” She couldn’t help but smile coyly. Whatever existed between her and Gil was strange. There was no ‘dating’ per say, and yet they kept coming back to one another. This was the most time she had spent with him after a night with him, and it felt entirely comfortable. And that was exactly what made her uncomfortable.

 

[Gillian Rel]

The Galaxy was in worse off shape than even Gil could imagine if this is what it took to relate to the people. Maybe it was time for everything to all fall apart so it could all be rebuilt.

She reached over him, continuing to try and justify the ridiculousness. He rolled his eyes at the whole thing. Her next comment caused him to bristle slightly, a subtle enough tension forming in his muscles that the average person might have not noticed it, but Tasha's senses were anything but average.

Gil wasn't naturally a jealous person, but it was hard not to be when compared to one of the most powerful men in the Galaxy. He had known she still met with him, once recently at the office. It had all been done in secret, but Tasha's secretary was probably a bigger fan of the show that even she was. Her other main hobby was gossiping with Gil's secretary just down the hall. Of course, it made sense for the company to hold meetings with Empire but in the current context, it annoyed Gil.

There were rarely any awkward silences between Gil and Tasha, it was one of the things he enjoyed so much about her and their time together. This was one of the exceptions to that, a slight dip in Gil's in expression as Tasha continued talking about Mandalorians.

When she finally looked back over to him and mentioned the dates they were going on, he did his best to force out a chuckle but it came off as pretty disingenuous. I would think so, you probably build up quite the date fund when you oppress a Galaxy for a few hundred years." he said as he pulled his arm back.

"I'm gonna grab a beer, you want something?" he said pushing himself up off the couch.

 

[Tasha Blackwell]

Tasha was focused on the show, but she couldn’t help but notice the sudden shift in Gil’s demeanor. She wasn’t exactly a ‘romantic’ person by nature, and she had been quite promiscuous throughout her life. Though she kept her love life private, it didn’t take a genius to figure out she wasn’t exactly the monogamous type. Naturally, this meant she was entirely clueless as to why he was suddenly uncomfortable.

He said nothing for a moment, and she thought he was simply falling asleep again. Tasha glanced over to look at him, noting the expression on his face. When he spoke, his voice was mirthless. She was surprised to realize she could actually tell when he was in a garbage mood. She was even more surprised to realize she actually cared whether or not he was in a garbage mood.

She noticed him pull his arm back and move to get up. Tasha half considered coiling the Force around him to tug him back, but figured it would be in poor taste. Instead, she furrowed her eyebrows and stared at him, “Why are you pissy?” She blurted out. She wasn’t exactly known for her tact when it came to emotions or feelings. She could tell he was upset about something, and she didn’t have the foggiest clue as to why.

“It’s just a show, you know,” Tasha muttered, fully believing that it was the show he was upset about. The confusion was clear on her face, and she scowled at him, arms crossed over her chest.

 

[Gillian Rel]

She let him leave but he had to actually chuckle at her comment. It contained the perfect amount of venom she used when she didn't quite understand something. "Me? Pissy? When I am ever anything besides a bowl of sunshine." he said with a good amount of light-hearted sarcasm. He could probably just joke his way out of it, that had always been easier than actually dealing with anything real between them.

He opened the refrigerator and grabbed two bottles before standing up straight and looking back across the apartment, seeing Tasha's angry yellow eyes peer across the room at him. It actually sent a chill down his spine. He removed the caps and returned the couch, offering one of the bottles to her and lowering himself back down.

"Yeah, I am just real upset about the one person getting voted off...the..uhh..Mandalorian." he said sarcastically. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out, flipping through the update on the progress of the factory at Ord Cantrell. He tipped the bottle back, letting some of the liquid fall into his mouth as he continued to scroll through pages. Progress was slow which was to be expected but that fact didn't make it any less frustrating.

His mood was still sour, but he pushed those feelings down. It had been a learned skill for him, naturally a fairly transparent person.

"Who do you want to win?" he asked, feigning boredom as he let himself be distracted by the report in front of him.

 

[Tasha Blackwell]

Tasha wasn’t convinced whatsoever. She wasn’t good at ‘talking about feelings’, and seeing him blatantly dance around the topic caused her irrational anger. She was fuming inside, and it was enough to where he would be able to feel the energy in the room around him change slightly. Though she wasn’t an active Sith, she was still extremely powerful in the Force. Her yellow eyes were those of a hunter, and they looked more lethal than ever now.

He sat back down on the couch, extending a bottle to her. Tasha didn’t even take it, casually the floating the bottle out of the way to rest on the table in front of them. It was one of the extremely rare times she used the Force blatantly in front of him, and her eyes never left him. She ignored what he said, her focus strictly on him.

“Stop lying,” Tasha said flatly, “Something is off and I want to know why. Stop bullshitting,” She said sternly, her eyes piercing into him. She was stubborn as a bantha when it came to certain things, and this wouldn’t be a battle he would win if he kept deflecting.

“And don’t ask me why I want to know,” Tasha shrugged, “You being pissy makes me pissy now,” She grumbled, clearly irritated to admit that fact.

 

[Gillian Rel]

She snatched the bottle using the Force and placed it on the coffee table in front of him. The bottle rattled slightly, the pressure building in the room. It instantly made him more uneasy. Force users had always been a sort of fear of his, even though he seemed drawn to them as well. They could do things he simply couldn't understand. She knew this, and the fact that threw it his face caused a spike of anger in him.

Gil rubbed at his face, a weariness obvious in his eyes."I'm just tired.." he said, hoping it would defuse the situation. It wasn't completely a lie, he had gotten in earlier in the day and was scheduled to leave again in the morning. He stared at the holoscreen, hoping to just let the storm pass. It was easier that way, safer but the hornet's nest had already been kicked and there was no going back.

There would have been a time he would have shied away from her stare, as most did but now he met it full on. "Alright," he said as she continued to prod. He didn't want to do this now, not tonight. "What is this, Tasha?" he asked gesturing his hands around the room. "I mean us, what are we?" he asked, clarifying his question.

He placed the bottle down on the table and faced her, his street-bred instincts telling him to get out of there but he stayed, he wanted to stay. "You know how I feel about you. he said with a shrug "..I just need to know where you land on this." he said, eyes locking with her. At that moment, he realized he was truly afraid of her just simply leaving but it was too late. The last time they had approached anything this close to the subject she hadn't talked to him for months.

"I know its hard to talk about it, I'm just asking that you try." he said, one side of face turning up in a sad smile.

 

[Tasha Blackwell]

Tasha had expected anything but this. Why was he upset about...this? She had thought it had something to do with the show the entire time. She was caught entirely off guard, the anger dissipating rapidly. Tasha was at a loss for words for a while, saying nothing as her stern gaze faltered. He knew her well enough to tell the difference in her stares. She was taken aback, and it wasn’t a position she was in often.

“What….” She muttered quietly, “What do you want this to be?” She blinked stupidly, genuinely unsure of where he was going. He mentioned her knowing how he felt about her. The last time he admitted it, she had been too terrified to say anything. She had let him walk away, and that had been a mistake. Tasha wasn’t going anywhere this time, but she felt just as uneasy and caught off guard.

Tasha looked away from him, staring down at her hands for a moment. She hadn’t given this a lot of thought. This was uncharted waters for her. She had always maintained her distance whenever she was involved with others. Gil had shattered through most of the walls she had put up, and he had been doing so for a long time now.

“I don’t know where I land,” She said after a moment, “Probably because I’m still falling,” Tasha chuckled softly, shaking her head at how corny the line sounded. Yet it was true. Every word of it. She felt sick even being on this topic, and it took every fiber of her being not to run away as quickly as possible.

 

[Gillian Rel]

Her surprise wasn't shocking to him in the least. He knew she was one of the most driven and brilliant minds in the Galaxy and yet when it came to her feelings she had walled off even herself to them long ago. Her anger retreated from the room, the pressure of the Force dying away. Gil's ears twitched slightly as the pressure normalized. The heat in her eyes faded, it was a subtle thing but Gil had longed learned the small tells that she gave.

"You know what I want this to be." he said evenly as he stood, standing in front of her on the couch. He leaned over her, bracing himself with hands on the back of the couch. "You land where you want to, Tasha." he said, speaking quietly.

She laughed, using cheesiness as a way to defuse the situation. The smart part of his brain told him to let her take them out, let this fade back into a pleasant evening. Nothing had to change. He met that yellow stare, the only light in the room was the soft glow of the halo screen behind him.

Each time they had reached this point, Gil pushed a little further, each time there was the fear she would disappear for good. Gil wasn't sure what he would do if that happened, but she was worth the risk, she had always been worth it. "I am completely and madly in love with you. he said, holding her stare for a moment. "All I want is for you to let me in, to trust me with your feelings even if you don't trust yourself." he said.

"All I want, is you." he said as he lightly kissed her forehead before pushing himself back up.

If she didn't say anything, he would pick the bottle up and sit down on the couch. It was up to here if she wanted to take those steps. If all this was watching trashy holo-reality shows on their seldom shared nights off, then so be it.

 

[Tasha Blackwell]

Tasha remained on the couch as he stood, and she thought for a moment he was going to simply walk away. He faced her head on and looked at her, his emerald gaze just as piercing as her yellow. She stared at him as he spoke, informing her that she knew what he wanted this to be. In truth, she didn’t. None of this made any real sense to her. Tasha had never been the type to delve into these things with anyone. She had trysts with people, but she normally moved on from them without any kind of attachment.

When he confessed his love for her again, she couldn’t help but notice how her heart skipped a beat. He leaned in towards her, his hands on the back of the couch, and she felt suddenly small. Tasha could do nothing but stare at him, yellow eyes wide in surprise. She pondered over his words, still unsure of why this was upsetting him.

He leaned in to kiss her on the forehead and moved back. His body language told her he wouldn’t push the topic any further if she didn’t want to. Tasha had been here before, and she let him walk. Was she going to just stay silent again? Before she could even answer the question in her mind, her hand found itself reaching forth and grasping his wrist. Her body acted out of reflex, and she found herself staring at him while holding him from moving away.

“Help me understand then,” She said quietly, “What do you want to change?” Tasha was genuinely perplexed. She had lived her life one way, and she didn’t entirely understand values held by others, “Are you um…” Tasha felt sheepish even asking this, “Like asking me to be your girlfriend or something? Just cut the bullshit and be straight with me.”

 

[Gillian Rel]

As he was turning away, he felt her reach up and grab his wrist. He turned back and looked at her as she silently stared back up at him. Neither of them spoke a moment before she spoke.

When she did speak, she sounded somewhat confused. Gil's expression became thoughtful. It wasn't easy for him either, it was like being asked to explain the color of the sky to a blind person. He just saw it there in front of him, it was hard to put into words.

His body shook with a quiet chuckle. "It sounds so kiiffing cheesy when you say it...but yeah I guess I am" he said. Using her grip on his arm, he pulled her to her feet, hands moving to her waist. "I want to be a part of your life, and I want you to be a part of mine." he said. They worked together, but other than meetings, their paths intersected surprisingly little.

"I want to dance with you, destroy people in laser tag, hell, I'd even do that..." he said pointing a thumb over his shoulder at the racing watercraft. "With you, though I don't exactly know how to swim..." he said with another laugh.

His face drew into a line, while he was leagues and bounds ahead of Tasha when it came to this stuff, he wasn't great and couldn't help but feel like he was just making an idiot of himself.. "I just want to live life with you not just near you." he said. He scratched at his ear as it twitched slightly, revealing his anxiousness around the whole thing.

 

[Tasha Blackwell]

Tasha felt as if they were stupid teenagers having this discussion. She blinked at him for a moment after he answered that yes, he was asking her to be his girlfriend. She was still confused, because she wasn’t entirely sure what that meant exactly. He pulled her up, and she rose to her feet to face him. Tasha’s hand almost instinctively moved up to rest on his shoulders as he held her.

When he talked about dancing and other cheesy activities, she couldn’t help but chuckle softly. Tasha heard him, but she was slow to parse through his words. She paused for a moment, drawing a hand back to brush away a few strands of hair from his eyes. They were always vibrant green, piercing and revealing so much more than his words ever did.

“Haven’t we been doing that?” She asked quietly, “I’ve made every excuse I can to come be here with you,” Her hand slid down to cup the side of his face, “This is all new for me….and strange and different,” Tasha lowered her gaze, “I’ve avoided it because I’ve seen it hurt others. And….and I didn’t think you could ever truly trust me knowing what I am,” He had almost been killed by another Force user he had loved after all.

How could she tell him things like meeting the Eternal? How could she tell him about her fascination with the old Sith Empire or her beliefs and admiration for it? How could she share her past with him openly without him judging her? Tasha sighed, leaning forward to rest her forehead against his shoulder, “I don’t want you to constantly have to watch your back around me. I don’t want you to think I’ll do to you what Cait did,” Tasha’s heart was beating so hard, she could have sworn he could hear it.

“I want the same, but I feel as if there is an entire side to me I can’t share with you,” She paused for a moment, “Not after what you’ve been through.”

 

[Gillian Rel]

Her hand felt cool against his face as he looked down at her. He had a serious expression on his face as he thought about her words. He wanted to trust her fully but had to admit that it was a struggle. The Sith scared the shit out of him, and he had seen the Force drive someone he cared for insane.

He didn't speak immediately, pulling her closer as she leaned against him. He felt the subtle pounding of her heart against his chest.

Gil let out a slow measured breath, thinking through his words. It would be an easy thing to say none of that bothered him, but she had been truthful with him and he had no desire to lie to her. "Some of that stuff scares the shit out of me. That isn't your fault though," he said quietly.

"That part of your life is part of what makes you who you are." he said as he ran a hand slowly up and down her back. "If you can, I want to know, know all of it. I want to understand that part of you." he said before going quiet again. There was a small, distant part of him that was terrified of seeing the woman behind whatever walls she had built around her deepest self. Would she be the same person who could leave him for dead? He didn't want to think that possible, but there was still doubt.

He resisted the urge to pull back from her, he wouldn't run away this time. He trusted her and found himself willing to pay any price for that trust.

 

[Tasha Blackwell]

“It should scare you,” She said quietly, pulling back slightly from him. She gazed into his eyes again, her yellow ones always vibrant and gleaming, “I remained with the Sith because I believed in Andraste’s Empire,” She said quietly, “I still do. It was an Empire that did not discriminate, it had order and justice and was not an oppressive regime like it has become. I stayed with the Empire because I so very hoped that we could go back to those days. The Sith were not always what they are perceived as now. But now...even I can’t agree with their ways.”

Tasha pulled back again and walked over to sit down on the couch. She didn’t want anymore lies between them. Even if it made him uncomfortable, she wanted him to know her, “I did the Sith’s bidding for years. I murdered, I destroyed, I took over cities. I took the entire planet of Mon Cala for the Sith. And I would do it all over again,” She glanced up at him, “But when I realized Andraste’s Empire was never coming back, that was when I made the decision to walk away from it, and I will never go back.”

She took the bottle he had brought over, taking a sip from it, “My upbringing taught me that attachments created weakness. That if I had them, someone could exploit them. If...if something happened to you,” Tasha sighed slowly, “That’s why I keep my distance. That and the kinds of jobs I’ve taken on has caused me to completely shut down the emotional side of me,” It felt strange to say this all out loud, “But I’m trying to work on it..” She gave him a small smile, “Day by day. For you.”

 

[Gillian Rel]

He listened as she talked, holding her eyes. They had never talked about her connections to the Sith, at least nothing beyond the surface of it. He really didn't know who this Andraste was but the name sounded familiar. Maybe he would have learned it in school if he ha ever gone to one.

When Tasha pulled away, he let her go. He watched as she took a seat on the couch, staring at her for several seconds before sitting on the edge of the couch next to her. He had only known the Sith to be oppressive tyrants who ruled with an iron grip, though this sounded different than that. The fact that she killed didn't phase him, Gil had killed more people than most throughout the Galaxy and some were for less than noble reasons.

He had to chuckle at the next part. "I am perfectly capable of getting myself killed, don't worry about me." he said turning towards her as he winked playfully. He grabbed Tasha's hand as she finished. He knew her words were true, as closed off as she still was she was still much more open with him than she could have been in the past.

He thought about her words for a moment. He had never been one for organized governments. They had never done anything for him. "If you believe in this Empire so much, why not build it yourself?" he asked. It would be a crazy question if posed to anyone else, but if anyone could do it, it would be Tasha. He believed in her. "You could do it." he looking ahead as he nodded, still holding her hand.