Critical Reviews

[TheLastLine]

Dear SWRP Community,
I think I can safely say that all the people reading this love writing. Some of you are good, some of you are bad, some of you are like me ( Shakespeare reincarnated). Seriously though, I want to improve my writing and I was wondering weather anyone would be willing to evaluate some of the posts I would make here to point out whats good and more importantly whats bad! I think that other people should post here as well so we can all improve our skills. :bitchez Anyone up for it ?

 

[Gaja]

You suck and will never improve because well... I said so. How's that? c:

Seriously though. Kudos for looking to improve you skills.

 

[Kiro]

Sure, I'm always up for improvement.

 

[Apollyon]

I am down.

 

[Mr. Teatime]

I'd lean more towards combative writing/pvp, but I can 'review' other stuff too I suppose...

 

[TheLastLine]

Alright sweet, I hope anyone else feels free to post whatever here but since I started the thread off I recon i'll be cheeky and throw the first piece in. This isn't Star Wars related, but I was reading "The Illiad" by Homer and wanted to be like Hercules, so here it is.

The rain lashed down upon him as he made his ascent up the long, winding mountain ridge. The air was becoming thin, and thinking was nigh on impossible as he reached the boundaries of his world and threatened to ascend into the next.

What drove him was the peculiar instinct that lurked in a previously dormant part of his mind urging him to ignore the pain, the lack of sleep and to press on; this mysterious strength fuelled him as the days dragged on.

Relief from the strenuous journey came when he had sighted the plateau, just before the peak of the mountain where a large statue of Omnius (Lord of this World) loomed precariously close to falling to its doom: a chiseled statue of the muscular god, with glaring eyes that looked down upon the world, a long white beard, a crown which adorned his head and most importantly a mighty trident whose sharp tips were held firmly across his chest.

As the commander took the last delicate steps to the summit he felt uneasy with what he saw as the plateau was completely flat and the summit was like no other which he had ever seen. The stone was completely smooth and woven from an un-natural material whose silver surface confused and hypnotized the man with its uniqueness and the gentle (almost silent) humming that emanated from it.

The sign of the Omnius was etched into a door which stood at least ten feet high and just as many feet wide and as he approached it, it slowly creaked open revealing a perfectly spherical room with larger than life statues of his messengers melded into the walls.

Couron, master of the air and time, with his large white wings and long blonde hair, Iyothos, master of judgement and death who wore a long black garment which covered his entire body, his face the biggest mystery and finally Hgrthu master of all knowledge, whose mind knew what would and wouldn’t happen for all time, yet was as likely to tell a convincing lie, as to tell the truth to those who asked for her council.

Bending his knee in the centre the man prayed for divine deliverance – for a strength to be gifted upon his people to smite their enemies who threatened to take their lands, their livelihoods and to make them burn in the eternal fires of hell. The prayer droned on and on as the man unloaded his great burden in front of the great lord’s messengers.

The man then sat in silence, waiting for some sign at the top of the world. Eventually it came when the door which opened for him suddenly closed, locking him in the darkness. There was a moment when fear gripped his very soul as he thought that he would die an agonizing death far away from where he was due and needed.

Yet deliverance came in the form of a blinding light which illuminated henceforth and brought the deep, menacing voice of Iytothos into the commander’s mind.

“Silence, ‘son’ of Konosto, lord of the Ioniokos. The journey of life through which you have so quickly traversed has interested me greatly,” the statue stated monotonously, completely limp and motionless. “Yet you come before the messengers of our great master and dare ask for power undeserved? A strange and dangerous passing for one with a life so promising, a move even I did not expect.” The silence that followed brought the commander to the brink of panic, yet before he could answer the Lord of Judgement the mysterious and feared Hgrthu spoke with a gentle and warm voice.

“Dear Runar, your arrival is one which I have awaited for a long time. Our master and honourable Lord of this World has taken a key interest in your development as a native of this plane and to this point he has been impressed,” She said the warmth soothing his fear temporarily. “You have been chosen to lead your people, and lead them you shall into victory or death depending on your actions. Coming here was a wise move, one which we acknowledge as dangerous for those unworthy never return, yet you are marked by our lord, anointed with his blood and thus are his lieutenant on this world – for now”

Runars breathing was jagged and the overpowering disbelief of the statement caused him to stay silent for a long while, contemplating about what he had been
told; a small part of him was glad for he had always known he was made for glory – or did he just want to think it ? It was irrelevant now.

“B-But what does this mean ? Does this mean that you can help my people,” he asked, stuttering out of the lingering fear of being watched by the guardians. There was a silence before a menacing laugh permeated his mind.

“Now, now.” The Lord of Judgement spoke slowly with what seemed like contempt in his ancient voice “The time of separation is at an end Runar – if you want to save your people, you must secure this plane for our return.”

 

[Stacker01]

Alright Shakespeare. I don't think you need much help. The only things I could find were simple grammatical errors nobody would notice. I envy you. Jerk. Writing such Homer-esque things like this. I dislike you now. (j/k, just envious)

Dude, you should be the resident English teacher...Either that, or write less awesomely. (if that isn't a sign of my lack of ability to write)

 

[Vulpes]

I'm curious if anyone would do the same for me? xP

 

[TheLastLine]

You are kind; but got to try to keep improving because that took alot of time to write and I was hoping that with time if I became really good at writing I could write that high quality relatively fast (for RP) and even more detailed for stuff like this.

I would be willing Vulpes :)

 

[Defiance]

Toska gives some serious analysis. I would, too, but let's be honest, I don't have the dedication. When I analyze, I gotta focus. And this site is my leisure time, not my work time. The way my brain works is reading as much as I can and let the information resurface later. No, I don't remember all of it, but I do learn a bit of interesting things.