Awkward Uncoordinated Flailing of Fen

[Fen Vel]

The sun seemed to rise slowly here. Fen suspected it was because they were in the mountains, the light crept up fast but the eye of the sun barely inched skyward. Today it also had to compete with a heavy mist that had settled between the valleys and towers of the temple complex. It was certainly early but she was no stranger to that, getting up was easy. Forcing herself to get ready for something physical however was not, even now after forcing herself for weeks. In a pair of black wool leggings and a long belted cyan gown she repeated the same steps as she was accustomed by now. A run around the edge of the complex, something she still regarded as a terrible way to start the day. One foot in front of the other, eyes ahead and brain on the groggy side of waking up. It seemed to take forever, still less of a forever than she was used to. In part because she was more and more used to it, she was also getting faster though, each and every day.

Under the ornate towers, the arching trees, over gravel, soil and stone she kept away from everyone else as much as possible. She sweated, she smelt and she was breathing deeply, none of those were things she wanted other people to see. It wasn't right to appear that way, it wasn't, proper. It wasn't shame exactly as much as discomfort. No one else here seemed to have any problem with their fitness at all, almost no one else seemed to do things the way she did. Apart from the very young ones, they weren't up yet.

The mist seemed to be finally lifting by the time that Fen returned to the tower she was sequestered. Walking up the stone steps seemed an arduous task after the run, her lungs aching, her thighs burning. Sweat dripped down her neck and to a human she would be worryingly warm to the touch. Taking the steps two at a time though she looked as dignified as she could. It took a deal of willpower but she did not look as exhausted as she was. It would be best now for her to take a break, to sit down, settle her mind and read something. Then she could once again attempt to make progress with her other homework. The basic saber form, did not come naturally to the girl. Read and study all she might, actually holding the hilt seemed to throw everything else out of the window. There was nothing she could put her finger on as to why, it was extremely frustrating for her. So used to learning quickly, to develop fast and improve to have something she could not, was a new and unpleasant experience. Take running for example, something she had never done before a few months ago and now, she could certain run without tripping over herself constantly. Go more than a hundred meters without being completely out of breath, no such progress with the lightsaber though.

Thoughts turned to what she might try today to do differently. Fen was no so foolish as to think that doing the same thing time after time would actually help if it wasn't working. Her changes were little though, having such limited experience to draw upon. That all paused as she saw someone else at the top of the steps, waiting. Not someone she actually knew in person but Fen took note of faces when she could. She was a Togruta, obviously. Tall, red, older than Fen was. At a guess a Knight and one she had seen talking to Cassus before, from a distance. Not someone she remembered living in this tower, which was mostly padawans. Bowing her head ever so slightly, as Fen did when she greeted anyone she spoke softly, "Good morning," Her voice dry, as it would be after running. It would be presumptuous to assume that the woman was waiting for her, however she showed no sign of descending.

 

[CJ Solo]

Amaarla enjoyed this time of day. There was a fresh, crips newness to everything; a rejuvination of life. The early light of the day gave her deep purple skin and ivory stripes a reddened glow as she stood at the top of the stone stairs. The togruta Knight was waiting for a specific individual, aa student. The girl was someone her close friend Cassus told her about and asked for her help in instructing. From what Cassus told her, which was not a lot, Fen was still pretty green and she did not like to fight. In some respects, it was a good quality to have, but to be able to defend oneself and others was a necessity.

Eventually, she spotted the student in question. Amaarla watched as Fen made her final approach to the stairs and then began ascending them. The togruta dipped her head in a slight bow in return. "Good morning." With the greeting, she offered a canteen of water to the girl. "You must be Fen, yes?" Amaarla smiled a little. "Cassus has told me a little of you."

 

[Fen Vel]

She knew enough about her to have her name, her relation to someone else and have brought something to drink. That was somewhat unsettling, sure Fen did the same thing very morning like clockwork, it was still somewhat worrying that this woman was not only waiting for her, but also knew exactly what she was doing. Fen took the canteen in both hands but made no motion to open it or anything else. Jedi or not, taking a drink from a stranger you did not know was a bad practice. The situation was also too unclear for her liking, that the woman was here for her was clear enough. That she had a plan of some form, while it was unlikely to be bad Fen was long trained to be suspicious. The impression that Fen got from her teacher was that he was, disappointed in her. That he wanted someone who was perfect, more like him, not the person that she was. That was something else she struggled to deal with, like being distrustful wanting to make the greatest impression of those above was trained to a honed edge.

"I am Fen," Continuing up the steps Fen kept a few paces between herself and the woman and stopped once she reached the top. Social conventions made it clear that there was something else the woman would say, hopefully the reason she was here. If Cassus wanted her for something then he had easier ways of contacting her than sending a messenger, so was it something else? Some form of training? It did not cross Fen's mind that it could be that the woman simply wanted to talk to her, that maybe she felt sorry for her and a host of other things. Fen has developed little as a social creature and such things were alien to her. Enough that she couldn't consider them, she didn't know they were reasons that could exist.

She was hot, whatever this was, it wasn't ideal for her. It carried a little in her stance, hidden under the formal rigidness that followed Fen like a shadow.

 

[CJ Solo]

A smile touched Amaarla's lips. Already she could tell that Fen was a far more complicated creature than Cassus had let on and she wondered if that was something that he had done on purpose. This was not the first time, though, that Cassus had asked for help with a student and so she fell into step with Fen. "My name's Amaarla. How do you like training with Cassus, hm?" Having known Cassus since they were children and having spent their time as apprentices under the same Master, this was a point of curiousity for her.

After a short time, she letting Fen respond as she chose, she paused and looked at the girl. "Cassus has asked me to help him with helping you to train." Typically, she preferred to train students on mission where lessons were more practical and hands on than theoretical. However, she was here now, Fen was here and her oldest friend had come to her for help. "Feel free to clean up, rest a little if you wish to cool down. I'll expect to see you in the courtyard below in ten minutes, though, Fen."

 

[Fen Vel]

"I don't think I am qualified to answer that question," Fen looked somewhat uncomfortable with the question. She had been trained by one master, prior to that a life as a slave. Did she like this life better, uncertain, however this life had vastly more opportunity to enjoy more. Without training with more people, without vastly more understanding of she even liked Fen did not have a better answer that that. Her situation was what it was, regardless of if she liked it or not, thus she had not given it much consideration. If the question did she agree with Cassus on everything, no, far from it. If it was that she felt that Cassus was the best example of the Jedi she had read about, also no.

"Then I shall be there," Given that she had to climb four flights of stairs then the same back, ten minutes was not exactly much of a break but Fen was used to doing what she was told. Going up, washing her face, considering changing her clothes before not and walking back down. Still she was hot, still she was worn out but like a great many things she assumed that was part of the point. Otherwise Amaarla would have shown up before her run, not afterwards. So down she went, dressed in the same gown and leggings, not so very sweaty.

Once in the small courtyard with its aging tree and plastered walls Fen finally relaxed ever so slightly, it had not yet been ten minutes. So she tried to centre herself, pushing the air away from herself first with one palm then the other, a deep controlled breath. Her right leg creating a circle in front of her on the tiles. The minute would tick on and then she was somewhat confident that there was going to be a lesson of some form.

 

[CJ Solo]

Without knowing Fen's background, Amaarla found amusement in the girl's response. At the same time, it told her something about the girl and how she might view herself and things around her. The Togruta Knight took her leave of Fen for the time being, giving her the time she had promised before they would begin anything. With casual pacing, she turned back to the stairs and began to descend them taking her out of sight of Fen for the moment.


The ten minutes passed soon enough and Amaarla stepped out into the courtyard. Much to her approval, Fen was already there and moving. Amaarla remained silent, choosing to observe for the remaining minute or so. That soon ended, though, as she stepped forward and spoke up. "Ready, then?" The Togruta moved to stand before Fen a few feet away. "How do you feel about dance, Fen? Do you know of any dances?" This was likely to be seen as a strange manner of approaching training, but how one learned could be as important as what one was learning.

 

[Fen Vel]

"Dancing, is, okay?" Fen has seen several most rather, risqué given they were dancers in a crime lords palace. She was aware there was more than that however she had never given it much thought, she was focused on actually being able to move rather than dances. Though if she was pushed then she guessed that the meditate stances that she had been using where not unlike a dance, for one person. Speaking softly and dropping her stance into just standing still she added, "But I do not dance." Where this was going to go she did not know, it seemed an extremely odd question. Did this woman know that Fen had been a slave and assume it was something, disgusting? Was this meant to be a jab at her?

 

[CJ Solo]

Amaarla tilted her head ever so slightly at Fen's response. It was the second time now that her answer to a question was more a questioning statement than anything else. Was the girl fishing to give the answer she thought Amaarla wanted to hear? Was she, for some reason, lacking self confidence. This caused the Togruta woman to study Fen as she stood there pensively.

"There are a lot of types of dancing, some more appropriate than others. It can be colorful, emotional and graceful.. It is used to tell stories, to celebrate and to entertain. There are some that are even good for exercise, not so unlike what you were just doingg. This is what we're going to work on." Amaarla shifted into a starting position.. "We'll work on two routines this morning.. Move as I do." Cassus had not told her about Fen's history as a slave. However, even if he had or she had learned of it in some other way, it would make no difference in her purpose there in that moment; to teach Fen. What she had been in the past was just that, the past. That had been left behind and now Fen was here to become a Jedi. That was the path that mattered now.

Amaarla is slow as she begins with the instruction. The first six steps of the thirty step routine is repeatedly done until Fen knew the movements. At that point, the next six are added and those twelve are practiced and so on until they have gone through all thirty steps. Any mistakes made along the way resulted in Amaarla stopping and making them start over at the beginning..

 

[Fen Vel]

They restarted a lot.

Before the last few months Fen could not remember ever having lifted her arms above her head, or moving sideways, or even really bending to pick things up. Her body had been trained to do two things, walk in a straight line and stand quietly. Running had taken her months to get down and right now she had all the grace and elegance of a wounded Bantha. It seemed easy enough to see and remember what Amaarla was doing, however making her body replicate it with any sort of fluidity, far less so. It was moving into a realm of frustrating that was inching ever closer to her wanting to throw up her hands and declare it impossible, as little as she might like to.

Having failed yet again to sashay yet again without tripping over herself Fen glowered at the uneven ground. It was all to easy to resent how easily it seemed to come to the other woman, the idea was different than what she had been doing before only in the loosest sense. She had been repeating time and again what she had been shown with similar results, it was like her body just didn't want to do these things, or it just couldn't. Her brain could, she could draw what she was meant to do in detail. Some of these movements though, she'd just never done them before, maybe she really didn't know how to do it.

Taking a deep breath she tried to remain in control, she was exhausted though and it seemed to be getting harder rather than easier.

 

[CJ Solo]

It was not a lot of surprise to Amaarla that there were many restarts. The exercise was verging on the unconventional. Time and again, though, it seemed that Fen could simply not get the movements down. She could sense as much as see the frustration, and even discouragement, in the girl. It was also becoming easy for her to see why Cassus himself might have found himself at a loss in how to help her. The idea, for her, had been to get Fen comfortable with the Tai Chi like movements that could then be translated into other things.

Fen Stumbled again.

This time, however, when Fen moved expecting them to start over again she placed a hand on Fen's shoulder to stop her. "Let's take a short break." Her hand withdrew from Fen's shoulder to gesture to the side where they could sit for a time. The Togruta turned, then, and moved to sit down. Her eyes once more coming to rest on the Jedi in training. "How do you feel, Fen? Not just emotionally, but how do you feel about your training? Are parts of it easy, difficult? How do you feel about how you're doing in your training? I'd like to know where you feel you stand." Amaarla was quickly seeing that something, physically or mentally, was weighing down on Fen and causing undo frustration for her. It was something that would have to be addressed if Fen's training were to move forward with any sort of ease for her. If not, then she might simply give up and they would lose a potential jedi Knight. After Fen spoke on her previous questions, she poses one more to her. "I saw you moving through something when I got here. What was it? What do you know how to do?"

 

[Fen Vel]

It was good that this was not focused on emotion, Fen was terrible at working out her own emotional state at the best of times, like so many things it had never really been a consideration for her. How she felt generally had nothing to do with her survival, how other people felt was important and trying to mirror that back onto herself, didn't generally work. She could certainly pretend to have feelings one way or the other, she seemed good at that. If they were true or not, she didn't really know. Being in control of them was part of what they were, not expressing them was a help in that surely?

That left the question in the air which seemed easy enough to answer, "Everything is hard. There are children here, brought up in the ways of the Force. They have been training for years and still have a long way to go, I have not and have further." Taking the seat felt unnatural, it was required of her though. Sitting bolt upright though she didn't seem comfortable, "I have learned that most creatures move a great deal, that as children they play and learn how to use their body. I am only starting things now," Fen reached out with her right arm and twisted it so that her palm was skyward, "I have been told that the Force and the body are one and the same, I can not know one without the other and I am still learning the one I can control." Placing her hands into her lap once more, "I understand if it is felt I am not making fast enough progress, I am doing my best." There was a slight bitter lament in her tone, it certainly did feel to her that she was being pushed harder and harder when she was fairly certain such things took time.

The next question took Fen a little by surprise, that it wasn't about what she'd just said, "T'Nel T'Rol Roppan Dous K'K'Rell'T. It is from the archives, it is the form of meditation from, it doesn't say. It uses motion to direct the mind, it seemed to fit my uses for learning how a body can bend. I have studied most of the stances and have learned to do a few, I find it easier to meditate when there is something to focus on." The text that she had gathered it from, complete with a great many images was over several thousand years old. It had been one she had happened across when she was trying to understand the Force, something that she was still working on. It however seemed to have another use when it came as to examples of how to move ones body. Studying from text was far easier for Fen than learning by doing, it made more sense to her that way.

 

[CJ Solo]

Amaarla sat quietly as she patiently waited for Fen to gather her thoughts. As she did so, she noted the girl's posture and how even simply sitting seemed almost uncomfortable for her. It was difficult to say if she had ever met someone, a student, like Fen before. Knowing Cassus as she did, though, she could almost hear some of the things he would say. When Fen did finally speak, the Togruta Knight nodded her head. "This is true. Child or adult, padawan or knight, there is always distance to go. I still train, still learn, just as you are."

"What do you mean you're only starting now?" The statement appeared to have a meaning that might be beyond the literal, but she wanted to hear what Fen had to say in her own words. "You'll have to forgive me, Fen, Cassus has only told me a little about your training. He hasn't told me about you personally or where you come from." Amaarla's gaze drifted away from Fen as she allowed her to take her time in speaking, looking out over the courtyard. She could not remember a time when she was not impressed by the Tython temple grounds. Her gaze shifted back to Fen when she spoke of the art that she had been practicing. "I see. Please, show me what you know."

 

[Fen Vel]

Rather uncomfortable at being told to perform Fen stood back up, feeling that the break had not exactly been long enough to recover. It shouldn't be too strenuous though, still she had been upright for hours now and it was pushing it a little. Taking a deep breath she did what she started with before. Pushing the air away from her with the right, then the left, then her leg across her front in that half circle. All very slow and methodical, she ten rose up high on her left leg, tucking in her right with a wobble. Once her right hand reached a high guard she dropped down onto her folded leg, her left straight out under herself. Then a somewhat uncoordinated jump to the right, another arm sweep. There were some more but they were no more remarkable, until Fen was left standing uncertainly in front of Amaarla.

That was everything she had learned over the last month, between working with Cassus and everything else she was trying to learn. It wasn't much but she had at least memorised that, with her diagrams she could do more but she wasn't exactly prepared for having to act them out this morning. Another deep breath and then Fen met the Togruta's eyes, it was not something she thought would be impressive, Cassus didn't seem to think so. Not that she had actually wanted to show him either, he just didn't seem to respect other peoples privacy.

 

[CJ Solo]

Amaarla watched as Fen stood up to demonstrate. The air of discomfort still hung around the girl like a cloud. It was an interesting challenge and she again made mental note that she would have to talk to cassus about his student. Her gaze remained on Fen as she went through the motions, noting the wobble and the uncertainty as she stood there once she was done. It was not badly performed for what it was and the Togruta smiled at her a little. "It could use some work on your balance, but not badly done for having taught yourself."

Standing, the Jedi knight reached into the folds of her clothing and produced a smooth, well worn wooden baton. Amaarla had brought a pair of them for the purposes of this training session, but her original plans had been put to the side as she adjusted her approach. Amaarla wanted to see the girl succede, at least to some degree. Perfection was a high expectation; one that could never truely be met.

Amaarlla offered it to Fen. "How does this feel to you? Does it feel heavy or light in your hand?" If the baton felt heavy or was too awkward, the Togruta Jedi would switch it out with a smaller, more slender oone. Then she would give Fen a nod. "Do it again with the baton in your right hand, and then in your left."

 

[Fen Vel]

Fen was not adjusting well to failure. She had gone from being one of the biggest fish in the smallest pond, enough that almost everything she did made her feel smart and at least a little in control. To being disappointed in herself at almost every turn, she had been introduced to so many people that were so much better than her, the change was harder than the girl felt it should be. As such it made the compliment hard to swallow, though she did her best, she couldn't return the smile.

Rather uncertain at what the lesson would be Fen felt the weight of the baton, it was heavy. That was good, weight was something she needed and her answer, "It should be heavier." If the task was to improve her, taking the easy option as much as she might want to was not the way to progress. Far from it in fact, the harder the training she undertook, as long as it made progress was the right one. It wasn't just about learning how to do something, it was learning to do it well. Maybe she could get away without running around the entire temple every morning, if she was to catchup with others her age though it needed to be harder than their training. Still without much hesitation she did was she was told, retracing her movements as best she could with the shift of weight. It didn't really change anything other than the arm movements, putting extra weight on her shoulder and upper arm muscles. It felt somewhat constraining as well, having her something in her normally empty palm.

Once that was done Fen stood still once again, placing the baton end to end between her palms. If it was meant to be showing her how she could do exactly the same thing with a lightsaber, she knew that. Holding it wasn't the issue, the fact it could hurt you was the issue. That holding a burning mass of energy in your hand and moving it around your body was a terrible idea and one she felt she was not ready for.

 

[CJ Solo]

Again, Amaarla stood as she observed Fen. She thought back on times when she had difficulty with her training, those times when she felt there were more fun things to do. Though she had only been a Knight for little more than a decade, it seemed much longer ago than that sometimes. He green eyes remained focused on the student before her, giving Fen her undivided attention.

Here and there the Togruta woman nodded. Fen had moved through the movements much the same way she did the other times. The only difference now was that she could see the flexing of the girl's muscles as she goes through the motions with the small amount of extra weight. When she was finished once more, Amaarla gave her a single nod. "Good, you looked a little more balanced that time."

"How did it feel? Do you believe you can practice that way from now on?" There was a connection to the topic of lightsabers, but it was not as direct as you can do this with a lightsaber as well. "A set can be found properly weighted for you if so." Briefly, she glanced upward toward the sky before she focused on Fen once more. "Cassus tells me that you've had difficulties handling a lightsaber. Would you tell me about that?"

 

[Fen Vel]

Honestly it felt the same but with a bit of wood clenched in her hand. It was a little harder which she assumed was the point but there was a host of differences between what she was doing here and what she had been setting for herself. It was good that she wasn't making such a fool of herself this time compared to the first, Fen could be thankful for at least that much. As for having her own stick, that seemed doable so she didn't question further, maybe metal would be a good idea? As for the idea of doing this with a lightsaber, certainly not.

Then came the comment about her attempts with a training saber, so it was common knowledge then. Bitterness coming back ever so slightly in her tone Fen answered, "If I can't mange to do a dance, should I be attempting to do the same with a weapon?" There was a reason that the Jedi used a weapon that was hard to use and even dangerous to do so with, even a training saber could do a deal of damage. When she had tried to use one Fen had covered herself in blisters, almost blinded herself twice and tripped over more times than she could count trying to avoid her own blade. She who had never even held a knife, or a tool any more aggressive than a pen was not ready for a weapon that could do all those things. At least when it came to a blaster she was much less likely to shoot herself, even if she wasn't going to hit a target any time soon. To Fen jumping to using a weapon like she had been pushed to was too soon, on top of that it wasn't even something she really wanted to do. Having a weapon would mean she would have to use it, people would assume that she could. A weapon that she was more likely to injure herself with than her attacker, seeming less of a thread would be an advantage over being seen as a threat even when she was not.

Sucking her cheeks she looked through Amaarla, not thinking of how it might make her appear. It did not help that the idea of super heated plasma held in check by magnets seemed somewhat impossible. Clearly it was but Fen did not trust things she could not understand, having not worked with anything more complex than a computer database and a communication hub before, again not a tool like a lightsaber. So having a dangerous thing you did not trust, in the grip of a body you did not trust, guided by some supernatural element that you could neither feel, understand or trust melded into a singular, I do not like lightsabers.

 

[CJ Solo]

Amaarla was patiently quiet as she waited for Fen to pull her thoughts together. The Togruta Knight thought nothing less of Fen for the difficulties she faced with a lightsaber. Everyone faced a unique set of challenges in their training. She smiled ever so slightly at Fen's statement. "Should you?" The purple skinned Jedi tilted her head ever so slightly, gesturing to the baton in Fen's hands. "You just did."

She allowed that to take its time to settle into Fen's thought process before continueing. "Would have telling you that you held a fighting stick made the exercise any different than calling it a baton?" Again Amaarla gave Fen the time she needed to consider it and to answer as she saw fit. "It is not a lightsaber, true, but in the same trained hands it can achieve the same outcome. You mustn't forget that a Jedi's lightsaber is more than just a weapon. It's a tool and extension of what you are."

 

[Fen Vel]

She did not.

A wooden stick was not a lightsaber in Fen's mind, and while she might be able to go through certain motions and pretend it was, it was different. It was completely different, though she listened and could even see the point that was trying to be made, Fen fundamentally disagreed. While she was grateful for the advice and the training, it had helped somewhat she couldn't help but be a little annoyed. Pushing an end of the baton against her heart Fen looked at, rather than through the older Jedi, "I should learn about what I can do before I start adding things, surely?" Fen did not digress the details that she had a feeble understanding of herself at the best of times, let alone when it came to trying to manage a weapon. "When I can learn a dance, when I understand the need to harm a person, when I can move my body at will, I will be ready then."

Maybe people were trying to make her feel better by pushing her, it wasn't having that effect. There were still so many basic skills that Fen had to learn before she felt she was ready, even if other people didn't see them. For example, if someone threw a ball at her, it would be hard to catch it. She had never even tried to develop such skills before, that fun and excitement was something else on her list for that day.

 

[CJ Solo]

What she had done had not been to completely change Fen's perception, bbut instead to just put the idea there. Even if she did not agree with Amaarla,, the fact that Fen saw the point was being made to disagree with it was success enough at this stage. Her gaze remained on Fen, meeting the girl's own eyes, when she made her stand. Amaarla smiled at the initial question. "Crawling before walking, hm?" The Togruta Jedi moved to the side to sit down once more, silently inviting Fen to join her if she desired. "There are things that that is true for. You have to understand what the controls of a vehicle are for and what they do before you can effectively learn to operate it. But not everything is so straightforward. Do you need to learn the dance before adding the baton? You can, but it isn't necessary. Some would even say it's better to learn with it; that it's good for the conditioning of the muscles."

"I think, Fen, that you underestimate yourself. You've demonstrated to me already that you can learn a dance." Amaarla gave her a bit of a smile. "It might be a new activity for you, yes, unknown to you before coming to the Temple, but it is something that you can most certainly do. It can be said for just simply moving your body as you want be it sitting, running, getting dressed in the morning or just simply standing in one place. Training to become a Jedi is as much a mental thing, if not more so, as it is a physical thing." Amaarla does not touch on the understanding of harming another person, at least not yet, since it alone could be its own conversation. "Keep the baton, continue using it in your practice. Not only can it simulate the weight of a weapon, but it can be a point of focus for your concentration and it can help guide the natural movements of your body."