Thoughts Cut Short

Darth Evandrus

Character
SWRP Writer
Joined
Dec 22, 2017
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I messed up.

I messed up and I can't fix it - not this time.

My entire life I've been making mistakes and I've fixed them as I've gone along. Done things I shouldn't have done and for reasons I shouldn't have believed in. For causes I found to be false and hollow and I... I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I've not done enough.

That I'm dying with things left incomplete - with a whole life yet to live.

Lives yet to see.

Elix.

Lyanna.

Their lives will play out and I won't get to see them. I won't get to be there to see them through their hardships or help them find the strength of character to pick themselves back up off the ground when they fall down.

I won't be there to teach them; to love them.

Will they know?

Will they know and remember that I loved them?

Will they even remember that I was ever there?

And...

My diamond.

My Empress.

My wife.

My Andraste.

My Alais.

My love.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I'm dying.

I'm sorry that I'm leaving.

I'm sorry that I'm hurting you even as I slip away.

I'm sorry that I can't always be there to hold you, to love you, like I said I would.

I'm sorry I can't keep that promise and I'm sorry that I've hurt you.

Gods but I will never be sorry for loving you.

Even though I know my dying only hurts you because of our love, because of our bond, I'm sorry but even now I can't be sorry for loving you. I only wish...

I only wish I had more time.

Just one more day, one more hour or even one more minute - just more time with you.

Time enough to hear you laugh at one of my terrible jokes or even time enough for you to scold me for not being serious enough.

Time enough for one last kiss, for one last breathy exclamation of love and adoration stolen between soft sheets, for one last smile from you.

Time enough to be your husband just once more.

I thought that I could die happy once I had married you, once we had had children together. Foolishly I thought that with a life so richly lived, death could hold no horrors for me. No hell could scare me when I had such beauty, such wonders and such love in my heart.

But now I realise that I was a fool because now I am dying and all I can do is beg the Gods, the Force and beyond for just... more time.

But I have given you and our family every scrap of time I had.

I have given you my service, my adoration, my failings, my learning, my fears, my hopes, my laughter and my love.

I have given you a lifetime and I die full of regret that I could not give you more.
 
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