Invictus (The Harbinger Of Hatred- Constructive Criticism Help)

Vulcan

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"Invictus, The Harbinger of Hatred"

Name: Invictus, "The Undefeated"
Species: Human
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 165 Ilbs.
Home World: Nar Shadaa
Hair: Shaved, usually sandy blonde. Picture a clean buzzcut with very little hair.
Eyes: Ice Blue
Title: N/A Unofficially known as "The Undefeated and The Harbinger of Hatred"
Affiliation: N/A (Looking for guidance)
Force Sensitive: True


Appearance:
4d462d671ca80b10e841c2fac1029cf27e6fdbf1_hq.jpg



Personality:

Once there was a boy who felt pain, who felt his suffering. A boy who dreamed, perhaps a small dash of those lowly emotions still burned keeping his new found fire of Hatred lit. The foundation of his personality stems from his lack of expression through his life as a slave gladiator. He knows of love, but knows not how his heart can swallow the pill that it is. The only love he had known was short lived, he was betrayed by destiny as a slave.

Invictus is no one, but a child who had no chance at life from the start. Being brutalized for so long drained his soul to the point of total voidness. He is almost emotionless besides his lust for death and hatred for all who stand between him and his goals. Driven by vengeance in a never ending quest to subjugate and slay all in his path.



History:

Born on Nar Shaddaa to a slave mother, whom died in child birth. Invictus was stripped of a childhood or anything resembling one as he was traded to a group of slavers who created underground networks for deathmatch slave fights, betting was always going on in these fights and the group of slavers who purchased Invictus molded him from birth to feel nothing but rage and honed his fighting skills so they could have themselves a champion in these underground arenas.

As a child and adolescent Invictus was forced to train with his fellow slaves, many who felt that Invictus was special. Though Invictus who at this time only had a slave number with no name, felt like common rabble amongst his peers. It was during these early years that Invictus was truly formed into who he would become naturally. Many days spent under intense physical and mentally draining training. Under constant criticism from his slavers overlords, often punishing him and any whom did not perform well enough in the days exercises by starving or flogging them.

Invictus while not strong, he had cunning and speed as well as tactical prowess above all else in combat. He lacked the ability to use blasters effectively as the area of focus in his training was with blades and hand to hand combat. A mistake often made was his overconfidence in his superior athletic ability to always give him an edge, while the mind of his opponent has beaten him several times over. Not to say he wasn't quick or intelligent but he let his emotions cloud him far too much in the heat of the moment, always fighting at peak physical condition with a cloudy mental condition can lead to mistakes. Mistakes which leave reminders in the form of scars and slave tattoos covering his body, including his now forced shaved skull.

Being raised this way was hard on many, many died because they just gave uprops hope. Invictus had no hope, he felt only vengeance breeding in him. Allowing the training and taking it as he could use this to free himself. It was not just him he was among to free, for Invictus did indeed feel for another. While here he met a woman slave, a servant to his masters.

It was around this time Invictus began to fight in the arenas, he yearned for his love and fought for her. Surviving to one day maybe free them both. Invictus had earned his name, in her name. He had not known much since his days in this life began, his mother dead at birth and a father no where to be found. His upbringing taught no love or compassion, his only real connection to humanity was his love for his fellow slave whom was forbidden to speak to him. Speak they did however and very often, they became more and more risky as their love grew.

Not too long after they began to let down their guard and get comfortable another slave caught them and hoping to gain favor with the masters revealed their deeds to them. Outraged they had but one command, calling Invictus by his slave number they confronted him. Informing him that he will kill his lover, or be forced to watch. Invictus had seen death having fought for them in arena now a couple dozen times, but he could not kill his lover. He also could not bare to watch however was forced to as several guards held her down as she was slowly executed in a painful matter. Broken and slowly fading from a whimper to a blank deathly expression Invictus sunk below his slave masters.

After many long years of service Invictus, as he was referred to over time due to his combat prowess being unmatched, began to grow more and more hatred. Remembering his life, and his love every time he slayed a man until the point where the memory only appeared as rage to him. During one of these deathmatches Invictus slayed several attackers. As the game handlers came to disarm him to transport him back to the cages, he suddenly felt a strange force channeling through his body. Using his newfound strength and speed he quickly slaughtered the handlers with his vibroblade, along with several other heavily armed guards in the arena. Looking to the stands where his masters were he pointed in their direction and ran to the nearest exit.

After a few days on the run Invictus began to plot his former master's demise. Invictus first dawned a cloak to help better disguise his slave markings, his famous white cloak he still wears today. Then still wielding his vibroblades from the arena he headed to a nearby alley. As he entered the alley he saw a man, this man looked like trouble but as he approached him he noticed he had a large case of explosives, noticing they were for sale. Invictus however broke drew his blade at the man in the Alley and demanded a pouch full of grenades or he will take them himself. The vendor agreed hastily. He set off in the cover of night. Arriving at their lightly guarded estate he spotted two guard droids and a few other guards. As he approached the two droids they began to sense his presence, with a swift movement he tossed a grenade in their direction causing a loud explosion all while scrapping the droids. Several guards yelled and moved up from their positions to investigate, it was then that Invictus lept with superhuman prowess like he had never done or even felt was possible before, flanking several armed men before they even noticed and slicing them to shreds with his blade. Tossing another thermal detonator at two men he took cover during the fray, then setting off with rage hotter than Tattooine's two suns. He entered the compound to found his former master's all huddling in a corner, he slowly and ruthlessly tortured them through the night before finally killing them and setting the estate on fire.

After these events, Invictus, became more intrigued in learning about this mysterious force that had manifested in him. Always feeling like he was much above par than many as if he had a supernatural edge, many rumors in the arena pointed towards this as well as he was undefeated. With his curiosity and rage burning, as well as a newfound lust to grow ever more powerful he searched for answers...

Skills:

Charisma- Below Average
Intelligence- Above Average
Strength- Average
Agility- Above Average
Endurance- Above Average

Specializations:

Hand to Hand Combat: Master
Swordsmanship: Master

Force Training:
seeking tutelage

Lightsaber Training:

seeking tutelage

Equipment:

White Cloak, with face mask.
Twin Vibroblades
4x Thermal Detenators
6x Throwing daggers
small field survival kit and back-pack (hidden under cloak, small medkit and basic survival equipment)






 
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René

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I like this character a lot. His story is well written, although I would suggest expanding on his personality section a bit. I would also suggest that you mention a weakness or weaknesses that Invictus has; as of now, he seems to have never lost a fight and is pretty well rounded.

That said, this character looks very good and I would enjoy following his story. You should probably save him for the next timeline coming out in the next few weeks, otherwise you won't have lots of time to RP with him. If you don't know what that is, check out the threads in "Announcements".

Also, welcome to the site!
 

Vulcan

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I was planning on saving him and giving him some touch ups till then, thanks for the feedback and if you can somehow network with me as in terms of him meeting the sith in the next time line that would be cool
 

Wit

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You should read the announcements, check out the info that has been released about the new timeline. There won't be any Sith next timeline, at least not for some time.
 

René

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I was planning on saving him and giving him some touch ups till then, thanks for the feedback and if you can somehow network with me as in terms of him meeting the sith in the next time line that would be cool
I do not currently have plans to make a character who will start as an Exile (former Jedi who eventually became the Sith), but if you ask around I'm sure others would help.
 

Vulcan

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I must have skimmed through too quickly, no matter I left the history devoid of major events so it should still work, now I guess my character might end up being more important seeing as how he is probably going to be one to help start the sith in the future
 

Wit

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I must have skimmed through too quickly, no matter I left the history devoid of major events so it should still work, now I guess my character might end up being more important seeing as how he is probably going to be one to help start the sith in the future
It's good that you have plans to make this character important in the establishment of the Sith, but keep in mind we're undergoing some changes with regards to stories and major plots such as founding the Sith. Expect having to put in a lot of ground work before being allowed to attempt something that ambitious.

The character itself could do with some polishing, but I'll let one of the character profile mods make suggestions if required.
 

Vulcan

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Oh no don't get me wrong, I don't expect to be overnight dark lord. I was just looking for insight on the character from more experienced people on the forum so I can understand everybody's standards, think of it as a slow work in progress for the new timeline for now
 

Dark child

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I'm so very tempted to start a thread between Invictus and my character Xanthier just to see how they would interact. I can barely keep up with the two threads I have going on at the moment due to work however. Perhaps when I have enough time I could start a thread in the Diverse Section if you're interested.

The amount of thermal detonators he carries on his person should be noted on his profile for PvP purposes.
It might also be nice to add more personal details to his appearance such as any scars he incurred during his time in the Nar Saddaa fight ring, his skin complexion, and how short his hair is. To me, shaved hair could be anywhere between Hitman and this smug bastard.
 

Vulcan

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Dark Child get ahold of me via pm
 

Notorious

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It's as if Spartacus met the dark side, I dig this WIP a ton! I'm really into stories like this one, gladiators overthrowing their masters and going on a rampage to get revenge. That shit gets my blood pumping hahaha.

When you polish it up and write the full version for the next timeline I'd like to know a little bit more about his personality. Is he just totally devoid of one and is a husk walking around kicking ass or is there something in there laying dormant? That might be easier if he were to get guidance from someone if there was some hooks to latch into to help him specifically. If he's just a personality-less husk getting someone to help him is gonna be rough (though not impossible).

In the history I'd also like to know how he treated his fellow gladiators in training and maybe dive in a little deeper into what his training was instead of just 'they trained him from a young age.' Like Kyle said even though he's undefeated he's bound to have some weaknesses so maybe by diving into his training in the history you can explain what he excels at better while also speaking of some shortcomings. (Plus I dig this idea a lot to where I just want to know more about him.)

I look forward to seeing the final result @Invictus!
 

Vulcan

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This is exactly why I asked for the constructive criticism, because without input I wouldn't have the slightest clue what nuances I should give him. I had more of his outline thought out than I did his full fledged story. But with the input of others my inspiration has grown for more development of the character.

That Spartacus reference though, that was my main influence on his background lol. Also his name is Latin for undefeated so I thought that tidbit would be a neat little reference to our world.
 

Wit

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Another area you could expand on is what he did when on the run and how he acquired all the weapons. Met someone sympathetic to his cause, or killed a hutt enforcer or something like that. Small things like that can add character to a character. :P
 

Vulcan

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I'll be revising some tonight and will bump when done figure I ought to back up the profile so in any case I can copy and paste into the new timeline.
 

Dread

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figure I ought to back up the profile so in any case I can copy and paste into the new timeline.

You can also have him moved to the Player Workshop forum. Threads there wont be archived when we switch timelines. It's meant for character ideas, WIPs, generic tech, bb code formatting, etc.
 

Vulcan

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If I may, must I have a mod do it ? I'm only assuming
 

Vosrik

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Moved to Workshops! :)
 

Vulcan

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Thank you for the move, and also a tidbit or two for those who are following his development. I've have gone and added some things and will be polishing him up more and more as the new timeline approaches
 
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René

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Hey @Invictus, I just found out that there is a 4 character max next TL instead of only 3, so I'll actually will have an exile in development, if you're interested.
 
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