Hiachi Winters

[Count Sam]

"Who am I?I am Hiachi winter, and I am just a Typical mighty, and fast Kasa Horsai with simple dreams."​

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Okay so my story begins 20 years ago on the planet of Mutanda, and well I never really saw my parents, since we were Kasa Horasi which means they were warriors, and they sadly died on the line of their duty in a fight with a rival clan. But well my uncle helped me a lot to start my life .Yeah my Uncle was the right hand man of a great lord, yeah he was the lord of our territory .But well he did not help me a lot, since our family believed in hard work, so he simply taught me how to hunt, and live. So I simply joined His sons who were like brothers to me to hunt, and farm with them."


"Okay well back to me again, as I grew up I got huger, faster, and stronger like most my race. I had black strips on my fur, and a green eyes, well the only thing that made me different was my face. Yeah they say that I looked a lot like a wolf. Ok well about my body build, I was a little bit huger than usual, but well gladly that did not affect my speed that helped me a lot during hunting."

"Well...as I grew up I had one big dream that grew up within me as well, and that was traveling to the deep core of the galaxy, and joining the republic ranks, and as I grew up more I grew more ambitions to achieve this dream, but still I was loyal to my family, and my planet so for most of my lifetime I worked as a warrior on my planet, yeah I have always been good at fighting with weapons no matter what their kind was, even though I was not that smart."

"Well, and even though I was loyal to my friends. I barely talked to any of them, since I spent most of time hunting, and doing my duty. But still that did not help me a lot, and still I did not have enough money to have a good life. Some people offered me a job, as a bounty hunter, but of course I totally refused. Okay Well time passed, and my uncle's children traveled, and left the planet after one another, and that is when I completely decided to leave our planet, and start to care more about my own dreams, and goals. Ok so in the next few days I worked hard, until I was finally able to save some money."


"Okay well I guess you know the rest I left the planet, and worked hard until I was finally able to join the republic army, but hey It was not that easy I had to do other minor jobs like carrying stuff from a planet to planet in the deep core, and I even worked in fixing, and making ships."

 

[Gambler]

Alright, I like the pic as it fits with the Winters motif thus far, but the profile was kind of hard to read with the run-on sentences, grammar errors and how you overused "okay" and "well". Instead of using that, do it this way:

"My story begins twenty years ago on Mutanda, the home of the Horansi. I never really saw my parents since we Kasa Horasi are the warrior caste. Sadly, they died during a vicious fight against a rival clan, but my uncle Sheiweng helped me start my life. Sheiweng was the right hand man of a great lord and the Weapons Masters of the garrison of our clan. He left me to fend for myself mostly. His motto was that hard work make as man who he is. So I went out in the fields to farm with my cousin Jiang and hunt with him and his brothers as well."​

 

[Jiang Winters]

Per Dragon. That said, I like the profile, Samowise. Hiachi certainly fits in with the Winters.

 

[Count Sam]

yeah well thanks guys, The reason why I have alot of mistakes is because I did not proof read the profile, since I accidently posted it befor I was completly done, But hey I am going to fix everything up :P

 

[Jiang Winters]

lol, I know how that goes, Samowise. I've done that before a couple times. :p

 

[Gambler]

One more thing is that you don't have to put quotations at all... And I suggest that you follow the way I rewrote the first paragraph with all of them in your own words. Its just that all of the "But well"s and "okay well"s or just all of the "wells" in general are just aggravating to read. Otherwise, it has potential =)

 

[Ares]

Yes... Now we are the Four Winters... Muahahaha!

Either way, good profile... I would advise expanding it a little more, adding a little more as to what he's done in his life, maybe add some things about his opinions of the rest of the family, and maybe have him talk about his weapons and ship, if he has any...

Otherwise, very good profile, and I concur with Dragon and Hakim on the fact that Hiachi is a definite member of the Winters family...

 

[Count Sam]

well the whole profile is supposed to be like Hiachi telling his story to some one else that is why I putted quotes.I guess I can also remove some wells, and buts :P

Edit:thanks Ares, but I plan to show more about him, when I start rping with him.I Kindda find it more intersting you know xD