Tabloid Galaxies Foxiest Felines

Rich Magnum

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The camera would pull back, revealing the dastardly dashing Rich Magnum, clad in his usual wear, he sat behind his desk with a sly grin. "Hello, Rich Magnum here, with Magnum P.I. Last time you saw me, I had a special treat for the ladies of the galaxy. But don't think I forgot about you guys out there! So this goes to the pervs of the galaxy. The guys that really only enjoy the finer assets of their gorgeous counterparts. So, without further ado, the foxy felines of the galaxy and no, we're not talking house pets or Cathar, because hairballs are not hot." He would say with a laugh and a nearly award winning grin.

"So, just like the for the ladies, I endured blistering winds, scorching deserts, tall towers, and even some gender confused Shistavanen at a skin party. You.. do not want to know. Anyways, I interviewed three hundred sickos out of a line of like forty times that and even put out a galaxy wide poll, which I had to close after the system broke several times. That's right folks, the spank banks came out. So, I did what any sane person would do, I filtered through and cleared out votes on pornstars, child actors, some really weird gelatinous creatures, and even a deceased Hutt! Like I said, sickos. So this list should come as no surprise to those that continue watching and with the volume, we're going to take this list to ten, so bear with me. At number ten, we got @Julia Hipori a woman with a big mouth who isn't afraid to use it. Honestly, I am surprised she was one of the few politicians to make it this high. But as far as I go, I'd do it just to be disappeared for scandal." He would say with a grin as an image of the politician in question would appear, some of the images are her yelling.. or being impassioned. "Number nine, now this was a big shock to me. Nobody knows these ladies names, but just look at those assets." An image would appear of two female Mandalorians escorting some politician ( @Minerva Wren @Reiel Mal Crowholde ) "I mean just look at the weaponry, the armor. Now those are two ladies that will fold you like a pretzel. I don't even need to see the faces to say 'Yes, please.'" Another pause as he took a sip from his galss. "Next up at number eight, @Queen Parnelli , so can I get a 'Yaaas Queen!' and I mean the fact she didn't make it higher is just proof you guys are sickos with some odd fantasies. Look at this beauty, regal, refined, and carries so much power she can literally banish you to her sex dungeon, so that is a swipe right. And following the Queen into spot number seven is.. Let me just pause real quick, you guys are really showing love to the law enforcement, so number seven.. @Trys Aran . I mean look at that razor focus. That is a woman that I would allow to bend me over the table just because she wants to try it." He would laugh a bit to take another sip from his glass.

"Flying into number six is Sector Ranger @Bast Emblai , a former applicant to the harem of Ranger Velt. I'm not sure if it's that or the badge, but either way, she can definitely use the cuffs on me, any day." Images of Bast would flash with her at the bar with Corran and another unnamed Ranger. "Number five, the final politician on the list Governor Alyse Ti'varnus of Bakura. Hopefully this blonde, just wants to have fun." the image of her would flash by with a zeltron in a slave outfit with a veiled military advisor standing beside the two. "Who am I kidding? Look at that escort!"

Rich would take a deep breath to drain his glass "And we're back to the final countdown. The top four, the foxxiest felines that are not actually felines. At number now personally, I would put this one higher on the list. @Lyra Durand ." For this one, arrest photos of the sith captured at Byblos would flash on the screen. "I mean, she could be walking aggressively towards me, and I would take that Force choke and ask for some more!"


"Alrighty gents, number three! Jedi Master @Alexandria Voran. I mean she tries to hide the curves beneath the robe, but we know better. Ain't nothing slipping past all the pervs that voted for you, baby. And now, the illustrious two-spot. This one I actually should have though would have been number one, but the fetishes won out. So here we are, @Dr Ilana Morata . This vote is the obvious triple threat, brains, beauty, and bodacious curves. Sure, you could lop the last two together, but some things just need to be repeated. She has the regality to rival every single politician or royal in the list and the fashion to back it up." Images of the doctor would flash from her most recent appearances. "Now there are a lot of rumors going about that she is dating the four spot from the mens list and the three spot from this list. So.. I guess beauty travels together?" Another laugh before he looked sternly at the camera. "Now then.. The moment you disgusting cretins have been waiting for, the final fill for the spank bank. So all the ladies in this list, I apologize. But at number one, we have the beautiful dancer, @Alisaah Tila . Not much is known about this exotic beauty, but she has been seen on Zeltros or Huttball games moving her body and with it, eliciting the most primal of desires in men across the galaxy. It's even rumored that she shot down becoming a dancer for President Thorne. But slave or not, I gotta agree, she is absolutely stunning. And I am happy I didn't read any of the comments that accompanied her votes."

Rich would go ahead and refill his glass. "Now, for some honorable mentions." The screen would flash to @Izel Thral "Apparently this.. hot piece of carapace is making waves on Thyferra as that is where ninety-nine point eight percent of her votes came from. I think she's a Jedi, but I got sources saying she was in Playbug Magazines. And lemme tell ya, I too am only hearing about this for the first time. Next honorable mention is well.. this unknown woman. We couldn't get a name... but maybe, she's just gaining the notoriety from traveling with Sector Hunk Corran Velt. The image would flick to one of a dark haired woman walking beside Corran. "Look at that, the Core's Ass accompanied by another great ass. I need to move on before this really gets crass. Either way, the two honorable mentions are also supposedly members of Sector Hunks Harem as both have been sighted with him on Coruscant.

He would drain his glass in one sip. "Ladies, you know I love you and I am sorry for the graphic content shown here. Don't worry, we'll get these pervs next time! Anyways, this is Rich Magnum, the P.I is out!"

The camera would pull back before the feed cut.


@Sreeya @GABA @Bex @Nefieslab @Minuteman75 @Forsythe Crowholde @Nor'baal @Kestrel @Topher @Valen Pelora @Killa Ree @Charndley @Reyn
 
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Dr Ilana Morata

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Killa Ree
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She was sitting back, curled up on the couch with the heavy weight of Silvi on her chest, thoroughly tired out from a brief respite with the little tot playing in a local park and a long, leisurely speeder-drive through Paqualis III. She had just finished season 2, episode 3 of Emperor in Paradise, and could feel herself skimming on the thin, relaxed sleep of an exhausting, beautiful day.

Bzzt, bzzt. Bzzt bzzt.

She cracked open one sleepy golden eye, scowling.

The number was a familiar one, sent with a news link. Seeing the word tabloid brought another twitch of her lips, in an icy frown. She watched the man... what was his name? Rich Magnet? No... Magnum.

She debated just turning off the feed, but something, a sick sort of curiosity perhaps, paused her finger on the off button.

"Now there are a lot of rumors going about that she is dating the four spot from the mens list and the three spot from this list."

She stared at the screen for a moment. Who was number four?

...Ah. Really, President Thorne?

Unfortunate, he wasn't her type.

However, silver eyes glinted in her mind's eye. More lithe frame, warmer gaze, longer hair and a rare smile... she could feel her lips twitch back in a smile, and when she closed her eyes again, she reached out through the Bond, to someone else precious to her.

But this guy on her screen.

She was mildly amused that any found her appealing at all. Were lab coats really such a fetish beyond university? Pervs was right. Chuckling once, she turned off the screen, cradling the sleeping tot closer to start episode four.
"Who am I dating?"

The opening theme song began to play again, and she could feel her shoulders relax back into the couch once more.

"Nobody's damn business."
 

Emilia Parnelli

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Sometimes she didn't know if freedom of the press was a good thing - if freedom of the press meant that such absolute drivel made it onto the holonet then would it really be so bad to suspend it? Yes. Yes of course it would be horrible to suspend freedom of the press and she would never dream of doing it but segments like the "Foxiest Felines" did make her wonder. How some people entertained themselves was, of course, their business but she would have very much preferred that it remain their business.

Instead, the morning after she had been informed about the list by one of her assistants, she was being asked innane questions about it. If the Force was real then surely at least one God or Goddess was real enough to strike down the reporter for asking their question.

"How does it feel to be ranked number eight on the list of the Galaxies Foxiest Felines, your Majesty?!"


Ugh.

Smile through the pain Emilia...

"I've not long since been informed of my placement on said list - I'm afraid I've been quite busy focusing on the efforts of the ISC to bring further investment into heavy industry on Rodia - but I'm happy to be on the minds of so many."


Yes, the actual reason for the press conference - if one of the journalists would like to cover that interesting piece of news she would be very happy. Gesturing to another journalist with their hand up, her hopes of an intelligent, relevant, question were dashed rather spectacularly.

"What are your thoughts on President Thorne's placement on the male list?"

Allowing herself a small smirk this time, she leaned in slightly to her microphone.

"That whoever made that particular list had superb taste."


There, that had them all in a tizzy and she could use the distraction to call an end to the press conference. She would have to speak to her press secretary about scheduling a closed interview with a more serious journalist to talk about the proposed investments and development of Rodia's industry. She smiled and waved to the press, no doubt having many pictures taken, as her head of security began to escort her out and the conference was ended.

All of this over some list in the holonet equivalent of a fish-wrapper, honestly... though they had done something right at least.

Julia Hipori was at least two places behind her.


@Nor'baal @Sreeya
 

Darth Tiamat

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If Tiamat was honest with herself, she was expecting the junk news article to be about literal felines, preferably cat videos or something of cats doing walks. It was that type of evening as she lazily draped herself across the couch: holopad in one hand, a pint of ice cream carefully balanced on her knee. She swiped quickly upward on the holopad to start the video, finding it was a count down of the latest hottest females in galaxy. It wasn't what she thought it was, but she would bite, curiosity nibbling just exactly who was on this list and to see if she recognized anyone from the holonet. Sure enough, she would as they were mostly political figures or high ranking officials.

Tia scooped another large triple chocolate bite into her mouth, pausing at the cold that nipped at her teeth before swallowing and nearly choking as they reached the number four slot. She caught the tumbler of ice cream as it tipped over and set it down in her lap while she sat up straight and rewind the video, hearing her old name being spoken again. "What?! Four What?!" Her cheeks turned bright red as she rewind it several more times to make sure it wasn't some other girl named Lyra roaming the galaxy, however, the pictures from Byblos were unmistakable.

She gently set the device down in her lap, stunned by the article, "Only four?" she looked to see who were the other three who beat her on the list and frowned. The redhead looked at the baggy sweatpants and oversized t-shirt she could practically pitch as a tent. Then she peaked into her shirt to look at her chest and sighed, yeah, with that small of a chest, of course she would only be ranked as a four. She turned on the video again, watching her unflattering arrest photos appear before she turned it off and tossed the holopad to the other side of the couch. "If they did it by brains, I would be number one." she scoffed and turned on the holo for an evening of romance binge.

 

Alyse Ti'Varnus

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It had been a long day, albeit a productive one. Having returned after a long journey, Governor Ti'Varnus was immediately greeted with the expected swarm of aides and security forces after her personal ship had touched down on Bakura. Fortunately, no press or other traffic: it was still early morning, and that particular space port was reserved for the Governor, the Senate, and the Security Forces.

That arrangement saved Alyse the time that could be spent on more urgent things. The few immediate hours after the return were a blur of briefings, zeitgeists, and general updates being provided to the Governor by her appointed proxy. But as intense as her schedule was, Alyse managed to get done with business soon enough, to return home with Kori in time for lunch.

The rest of the afternoon was spent on rearrangements. The security forces offloaded the possessions the Governor's personal ship and brought to her residence by hover truck. Then it was time for Alyse and Kori to unpack their respective footlockers. The furnishings within the master bedroom were adjusted, to allow for Kori to move her possessions and clothing from the guest room into their now shared sleeping accommodation.

It was by no surprise that come the evening, the pair would be in the lounge: a wood fire burning away to drive off the winter draft. Alyse found herself sitting at one end of the sofa, with her zeltron spread rather lazily over the rest, with her head sat on the blonde's lap. Not that the Governor was truly concerned: it was Kori who had offered to steer the ship at the final stretch, so that Alyse could rest up before the inevitable assault from political aides the moment they'd reach space port.

While Alyse was going through the last bits of paperwork, Kori grunted in light annoyance: nothing interesting was on the HoloNet, so the zeltron had been mercilessly cycling through the channels for the last 10 minute. Reacting almost without giving it any thought, the blonde placed a hand on the indigo locks of hair, fingers gently massaging her partner's scalp, all the while Alyse continued going through the thinning pile of briefing notes, memos, meeting minutes and news zeitgeists.

One of them caught the Governor's attention: originating from a typical tabloid talk show hosted by a Rich Magnum, the transcript focused a list of fictitious relationships. And at the very start of the list, the Governor saw her name, paired with a Jedi Master by the name of Vahn Berand. Rolling her eyes at the article, before looking at her partner briefly, Alyse decided to quietly move on and lose the transcript among the pile for shredding. The last thing thing she wanted was to give her partner more ammunition for teasing her, especially after such a long and tiring day.

Despite Alyse's best efforts, the Zeltron caught on to something—the consequence of a bond they now shared—and turned her face away from the holo to give the Governor a gaze full of affection and lazy curiosity. All she would see was the Governor's serious face, admittedly with the cheeks flushing slightly. Seemingly satisfied, the zeltron shifted her attention back to the HoloNet. But then...

The commercial break on one of the channels appeared to be over, with a flashy logo screaming "MAGNUM P.I.: Galaxy's Foxiest Felines". Something changed inside Alyse, as she saw the same show name printed on her next zeitgeist. It didn't bode well at all. "Flying into number six is Sector Ranger Bast Emblai, a former applicant to the harem of Ranger Velt. I'm not sure if it's that or the badge, but either way, she can definitely use the cuffs on me, any day."

As Alyse's eyes darted around for the remote, she tried her best to conceal the building anxiety. The good thing was, Kori seemed interested enough in the show to not notice, even humming and mumbling something along the lines of: "I think I recognize those two..." The bad thing was that the interested zeltron also had the remote.

And then it happened. A familiar photo appeared: Governor Ti'Varnus at the launching ceremony of a corvette, with a very familiar veiled woman standing by her side, and a scantily-clad zeltron someone Holoshopped into the picture for good measure. "Number five, the final politician on the list: Governor Alyse Ti'Varnus of Bakura. Hopefully this blonde, just wants to have fun... Who am I kidding? Look at that escort!." Ice ran through the blonde's veins, as if the fireplace wasn't lit at all.

It was as if all the windows broke open at once, or as if Alyse had taken a step off a ledge. She sensed something familiar building up inside Kori: something that she always experienced before getting a witty quip. The zeltron turned her head again, this time looking at the steadily-blushing Governor with a wide grin and a somewhat distant gaze; as if measuring her up. "Foxy..." she mumbled, and Alyse immediately knew what was afoot: another of Kori's attempts to come up with a pet name after Alyse had once affectionately called her "My Ashla".

"This isn't going to get old any time soon now is it?" Alyse groaned as she raised her hand away from Kori's head to massage her temple, feeling the onset of a cluster headache. And that was just from the prospect of endless teasing that would follow. After all, the zeltron had only just stopped ribbing her over her supposed penchant for torture; a result of the Sith simulating sharp pain to check if Kori was still alive, months before. So, "Foxy" and "Number Five" could become a thing for the weeks to come.
 
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Reiel Mal Crowholde

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Tabloid talk shows weren't really something worth watching, as proved by that one episode hosted by the same man Reiel was now glaring at through the holo, her fellow security personnels' surpised gasps, hushed chatter, and snorts of amusement ringing faintly in the back of her mind.

It was surprisingly a not-so busy day on the senate building on Tinnel IV, and while security were still on high alert as ever the small group of guards tailing Reiel had managed to make a brief stop by one of the break rooms to snoop in on a few employees watching Magnum P. I. She would've walked on and leave the group but one of them boldly stopped her, pointing out the segment's title and even joking about her inclusion in some list.

"Apparently, they're shipping you with another Mando!" exclaimed Ant cheerfully, unaware of the confused frown on the small Mandalorian's concealed face.

"Shipping?" asked Reiel cluelessly. "Off to where? Senator Carrick didn't say anything about–"

The Nautolan corrected her, explaining what a "ship" was, and Reiel fought hard not to splutter in indigantion. Minerva was an awesome Mando, and a good-looking one, too. But she was married! Why would people even want Reiel to have a relationship with a married woman? That was despicable, unacceptable!

"Har'chaak! I'm not a fucking homewrecker!" Reiel yelled indigantly, one hand flying to her blaster and was mere seconds from shooting at the screen just as Rich Magnum appeared.

The top ten list for the hottest men in the galaxy still irked her, and now this damned talk show host even dared to "ship" her with Minerva because his shitty viewers voted for the pair? Reiel wouldn't have minded – she'd even feel flattered, honored, but Minerva was in love with someone else! And married!

(Not to mention that Reiel was in love with someone else herself.)

"Ma'am, calm down, we know you aren't!" one of the guards tried to appease her, hands raised in surrender as his colleagues began to inch cautiously away from the raging Mando. "And we didn't even know that the other Mando's married–"

"None of us do – except for the bosswoman here. Sorry, Ma'am."

"Anyway!"
Ant butted in, making a grand gesture towards the screen as the segment's title appeared. "This is a re-run of last night's episode, and we just wanna show you–"

"If that's about shipping again, I will tear you to bite-sized pieces,"
threatened the small Mandalorian. She found no reason to trust this Rich Magnum bastard nor reason to stay and continue watching, but her subordinates were adamant that she stay put and take a look at the list called–

"Galaxy's Foxiest Felines? How original."

"Yeah, bosswoman!"
chorused the guards. Ant, for his part, gave Reiel the thumbs up as she reluctantly held her ground by the doorway.

Grinning, the Nautolan proudly announced, "Guess who made it in the top ten?"

Reiel perked up at the woman on the tenth spot. It felt like a lifetine ago since she first met and parted with Julia Hipori, having worked with the older woman on Eriadu in apprehending the gangsters who called themselves Orange Haze. From being one of Blackwell's, she was now a politician? Interesting...

One of the younger guards cheered a little too loudly for everyone in the room's liking, making Reiel miss the announcement for who held the ninth spot. As such, she only managed to catch something about assets and weaponry. But when she gazed at the screen, her eyes grew wide with glee, then with horror, upon seeing a pair of female Mandalorians on the holo.

Minerva made it in the top ten. Nice! Reiel thought, then had to do a double take as Magnum continued to speak about not needing to see faces to say "yes, please". Oh, wait, I'm included. We're tied in ninth place. Huh.

The information finally and truly sinking in, Reiel was glad for the cover of her helmet as her face exploded in a brilliant shade of red.

Why the hell am I in there?! What the hell?! What would the clan think? Buir?

Oh, Kad, no...

W-What would Carrick think?!

Needless to say, another anonymous letter of complaint would have to be made.
 
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