Tabloid Emryc Thorne was Never Kidnapped

[Elora Trevino]

"Who could forget the notorious kidnapping of the ISC's President, Emryc Thorne? The news story that gripped the hearts and pocketbooks of the galaxy for days. Citizens of not only the ISC but the New Republic and the Free Worlds Alliance waited with baited breath, anxious for an announcement regarding the President's safety and well being. Jedi and Sector Rangers alike thrust themselves into the hunt for the missing politician. In a public holonet appearance, syndicate members claimed to have kidnapped the President, holding him against his will. For his release? A ransom of ten million credits was demanded. Emryc Thorne's fan club started a fundraiser to pay for the ransom, while the ISC's Secretary of Defense dulled out an undisclosed amount of taxpayer's crowns to meet the kidnapper's demands. Members of the Emryc Thorne fan club were fired upon by Mandalorians, countless left dead. This was the spectacle surrounding the President's kidnapping, and it's just the tip of the iceberg.

"What if I told you that your beloved President, known for his humanitarian work with ISCRA, for his healthy lifestyle and fitness routine, beloved by many and desired by many more, is hiding a dark secret? A dark secret that he would stop at nothing to keep from the public. A secret that would destroy the public image he's so carefully crafted. A secret that involves one of the largest modern day cover ups to date—a counterfeit kidnapping, millions of taxpayer crowns, and a trail of lies as long and slimy as a Hutt. This is the expose of Emryc Thorne's darkest secret, made public for the first time.

"And the man responsible for uncovering this dark secret, this web of lies that resulted in the deaths of multiple Emryc Thorne fans? None other than Doctor Derrière, a Coruscanti doctor known for working with the planet's celebrities, politicians, and upper echelon. In a new, tell-all book entitled, Emryc Thorne's Secret Silicon Valley, Doctor Derrière reveals exactly what happened on that fateful day when President Thorne went 'missing.' Emryc Thorne was never kidnapped, ladies and gentlemen—he was secretly tucked away in a hospital on Coruscant receiving BUTT IMPLANTS!"

Elora Trevino turned toward the doctor, and the camera panned over until they were both in frame. "Thank you for joining us, Doctor. Emryc Thorne's Secret Silicon Valley releases in bookstores across the galaxy tomorrow, is that correct?"

"That is correct," Doctor Derrière answered, a well-dressed man, balding and with glasses.

"And you claim that President Thorne was never kidnapped? That he faked his own disappearance and kidnapping, just to cover up the fact that he was receiving butt implants?"

The doctor shifted in his seat. "Yes," he nodded, "But we prefer the term 'gluteal augmentation.'" He held up two different pictures, both of them enlarged and featuring the President's rear end. "As you can see, there's a considerable difference between these two pictures. One is much larger than the other. Incontestable proof that the President underwent gluteal augmentation. And for the skeptics out there, I present a plethora of evidences in my book."

"I see," Elora nodded along, trying to keep a straight face as she stared at images of the President's butt. "And you performed this surgery yourself? Tell me, Doctor, why would a man like President Thorne go to such great lengths to cover up a cosmetic surgery? Faking a kidnapping of all things? Paying millions of credits off to his supposed 'kidnappers?'"

"President Thorne's image is built upon health and fitness—clean living, as it were. It's why he has such a large following on social media."

"And why have you waited so long to come forward about this?"

"I refrained, out of respect for President Thorne's privacy. But after that massacre on Mandalore, it has weighed heavily upon my mind. I can not sit by idly any longer, watching the general public believe a lie."

"Thank you for your time, Doctor Derrière. I, for one, will be purchasing a copy of your book first thing in the morning. Until next time, this is Elora Trevino with Celebrity Catch."

Spoiler: Switter Reacts

tags: @Sreeya ​

 

[Cassian Graves]

Cassian sat alone on a couch in his apartment. Celebrity Catch was certainly desperate for views these days. First that fabricated news story about the Zeltron's secret drug addiction, their only evidence a Sweet that even a child could understand was meant to be sarcastic.

The sad thing was, they could've found much more incriminating evidence of the politician's substance habits if they'd just bothered to dig a little deeper. A large news corporation like the Hyperlane Herald had to have lots of connections.

Now there was this—interviewing some delusional doctor from Coruscant. He had to be off his rocker, otherwise he would have changed his name years ago. The Zeltron pulled his phone out and shot his old pal, Jin Vaisra, a message (@Song ).

 

[Emryc Thorne]

Emryc was reviewing some notes for a public appearance he had in a few weeks. He had to get everything squared ahead of time because Jaikus insisted on going to some ‘Pride Festival’ event. It sounded like a lot of people and noise which Emryc was never too thrilled about, but he would oblige his excited fiancee nevertheless. The half Sephi had galactic news on in the background and was writing in a few notes when the tabloid featured.

Emryc watched the entire thing with his usual expression which was largely devoid of any real emotion. He blinked a few times, listening to this interview with a Dr. Derriere, a man he had never seen in his life. The half Sephi leaned back in his seat and watched the entire thing, his comlink blowing up with calls from his advisors, lawyer, assistants. He ignored it all for now, eyeing the commercial with morbid curiosity.

He watched it through the end, “Babe?” He called out to his fiancee in another room, “Do you think I should cut down on the squats?”

@Altaris

 

[Jaikus Thorne]

At that moment, Jaikus was in an undeniably fantastic mood. Even if it was still some time out, the Axxilan had progressively gotten more and more giddy as the Pride Festival on Thyferra approached - manifesting plainly in his demeanor. He had always been a social creature by his very nature, and Jaikus - the unabashed sap that he was - was looking forward to this festival in particular for a variety of reasons. He had taken a few days off from his teaching lectures, and had otherwise moved around everything on his schedule to accommodate.

While Emryc was busying himself with notes in the other room, Jaikus had only moments ago stepped out of the shower to freshen up. He spent a few additional minutes in front of the mirror, running a comb through his dark hair - intent on meticulously fixing it into place after straightening and otherwise styling it the locks to perfection. With that, Jaikus stepped out of the bathroom - rounding the corner towards his fiancee while simultaneously buttoning his shirt. It was only then that Jaikus caught sight of the HoloNet playing in front of the half-Sephi - emerald eyes immediately narrowing when he caught sight of the headline.

While the Axxilan had somewhat-but-not-entirely grown accustomed to his fiancee’s constant media and tabloid attention, they never failed to bewilder and irritate him each and every time.

“Are you kidding me?” The Axxilan muttered venomously as he listened to Dr. Derriere serve up the biggest crock of bantha-shit to be ever labeled an ‘interview.’ The Axxilan had seen the bloodied pictures that circulated immediately after his fiancee’s kidnapping, and he had been there on Kafrene when the half-Sephi escaped and was shot. He had been to the hospital when Emryc was in recovery for the injuries he bore. And the mere notion that some fame-hungry cockroach would cook up some string of bullshit - to slander his fiancee’s name and profit off of it in the process - caused the Axxilan’s blood pressure to burst through the ceiling.

Jaikus hardly noticed that his knuckles turned white, his jaw setting into a firm line as he stepped into Emryc’s view. “Who does that decrepit, fat fuck even think he is with this shit!? A BOOK?!” Jaikus hissed from the doorframe, eyes narrowed into sharpened daggers upon the Holographic visage of Dr. Derrière - a man who had instantaneously advanced to the top of the Axxilan’s ‘desire to throttle’ list. It was slanderous lies - and moreover, Jaikus had spent enough time staring at his fiancee’s rear to know that his meticulous fitness routine and diet was the only factor contributing to his physique. “Who even gives this moron airtime!” He fumed a bit louder, the outrage and genuine annoyance bleeding into his voice - despite the fact that Emryc, as per usual, didn’t seem to manifest any emotional response to the latest headline. The Axxilan was fully prepared at this point to roll up his sleeves and sue everyone involved in that book and tabloid - and Force save Dr. Derrière from the verbal onslaught that would ensue if Jaikus ever caught the man in a room alone.

It wasn’t until Emryc spoke that Jaikus finally glanced away from the HoloScreen, expression softening at once as he stared at his fiancee for a moment or two. Without a word, the Axxilan stepped behind where the half-Sephi was sitting - looping his arms around the man’s shoulders in order to rest his face in the crook of his fiancee’s neck. He proceeded to affectionately hang on the half-Sephi, while continuing to glare holes through the HoloScreen just up ahead.

“Absolutely not.” He stated definitively in response to Emryc’s question.

@Sreeya @llamallove

 

[Arcturus Hadley]

Arcturus sighed as he sat down at his desk. What a terrible pain in the ass to deal with again. He sat behind his rather large and very prestigious desk. The holocam zoomed in on his very respectable face. “It is with great sorrow I sit before you. Yet again shocked by the blatant disregard for the very simple principles of journalistic integrity. I take no pleasure in scolding the members of a free press, but some indignities cannot go unpunished.” He leaned forward on his desk. Eyes gleaming.

“The tabloids are protected as agencies of a free galactic society. As Ms. Trevion’s editors are well aware, President Thorne is open to some scrutiny as a public figure. This provides Ms. Trevion and Doctor, if he can be called such, Derriere…a measure of protection. A measure they have far exceeded. Such malicious acts are a clear violation of those protections. Such that we will take immediate action if a retraction is not issued.” His smile grew wider. “Thank you all. Hopefully we don’t have to do this again.” The feed shut off.