Ask Yavin IV Better Man

[Alexandria Voran]

The Yavin Council Chamber collected dust. Empty chairs faced away from broad windows as sunlight streamed in. The regal setting sitting widely unused atop the Temple. The Council rarely had opportunity to formally meet and when they did, it certainly was not staring at each other in a sparsely used room. Alex preferred to use her office or Temple ground for any gathering. This room often carried too much weight. Up here, above the trees, it was impossible to be anything but Grandmaster Voran. She rarely needed all that…but…there were times such weight was necessary.

Alex sat in the center chair with the sun just rising on the Temple. The seats beside her were empty as Tedimor and Lena were off world. They had already discussed what transpired. Not for the first time, she wondered where Vahn had gone. Another soul lost to them. Maybe he would have known what to do. Her constant shield in the darkness. Alex’s mind was locked tight while she waited for everyone to arrive. The guest list was short. Reinhart, Ephiny, and Laeonas. A short list for a long conversation.

The Morellian Jedi was not some intergalactic principle, tasked with scolding her students when they misbehaved. Knights and Masters looked after their charges. She only became involved when greater matters were concerned. She had recruited Laeonas into the Order. She had assigned Ephiny as his teacher. She had decided he deserved a chance. Now Alex faced the consequences of those choice but her personal embarrassment was of little consequence. Reinhart had explained to her what happened. She would hear it from Laeonas himself.

So…Alex waited for the Jedi Master, the Knight, and the Padawan to arrive. Ephiny was as responsible for Laeonas as Alex, and she would hear Reinhart on the matter. Her mind was undecided. The path before them wavering.

@LouJoVi @Mr. Teatime @Tom

 

[Ephiny Daivand]

Differently from many of his friends, Ephiny never feared being called to the Council Chamber when she was a Padawan. Her visits there only happened when she was receiving a mission, never because of a punishment. Perhaps because she never did anything that made it necessary. The Archivist always followed the rulers.

Now Ephiny was going to the Council Chamber with an enormous fear, making her think that all the fear that she never had during her time as a Padawan decided to appear at once in this moment. However, she wasn’t afraid about what Master Voran was going to say about her. No, she feared what was going to happen to her Padawan.

Was with great consternation and disappointment that Ephiny heard that Laeonas had humiliated a 16 years old Padawan during a party, making her cry. He thought that it was absurd. He could be a Padawan, but he was also an adult. The Brentaalan couldn't act this way around children. She could have tried to understand his reasons on other occasions, but there was no excuse for his actions against this girl. He acted as a lowly bully.

When she arrived in front of the Council Chamber’s door, Ephiny took a deep breath. She felt as if it was his fault. The Archivist had promised that she would help him change. They were making progress and she believed that Laeonas was really changing. Then Lothal happened and now this. She had failed with him and the Council was going to decide his fate.

After crossing the door, Ephiny saw that only the Grandmaster was there. “Master Voran.” she greeted the Morellian with respect. Alex seemed to be more tired than the last time that they met. The Archivist wondered if it was due to the pressure of her position. She moved to stay near Voran while they waited for the arrival of the others. While they waited, the Knight couldn’t stop feeling guilty for failing with her Padawan.

@Valen Pelora @Mr. Teatime @Tom

 

[Laeonas Tannaras]

​

They... looked at him.

It had been a long time since he'd noticed such collective regard. Not since his youth, when he wore gang colors and very loudly, publicly and violently punished anyone who crossed him or the mob bosses he worked for. The looks of fear, animosity, disgust. Collective recognition of what he was-- a man who hurt people. Such was Laeonas Tannaras-- a drug dealing gangbanger, one whose ambitions soared higher than the towering skyscrapers of Cormond, and whose depravity sunk deeper than the sewers beneath the streets.

That was who he was, for... how many years? He still remembered the first time he'd fired a blaster; the first time he'd broken a man's bones, the first time he'd choked someone out with the force. The first time he'd killed a man, tears in his eyes, wearing nothing but a ripped shirt and a pair of pants that had been violenty tugged down by the older twi'lek whose life he'd just ended. It was all still fresh in his mind-- like he was still that 14 year old boy behind a nightclub.

And yet, he'd convinced himself that he'd changed all that. That he was becoming a functioning member of society; a Jedi, a moral paragon, a defender of the innocent and an arm of justice. Not the corrupt, decadent arm of crony law enforcement, but a member of an order whose history of defending the common good stretched back further than written histories. He began to speak as they spoke, wear their clothes. He'd even begun applying some level of self restraint in social interactions, holding back on the impulses to assault, to insult, to ridicule.

Yet after all that, they still looked at him the same. He still felt the same. That was the question, wasn't it?

A pair of younger Padawans shirked to the side of him as he walked through the halls, averting their eyes from the disheveled, older man. Weeks of near sleepless nights, no access to alcohol, and a complete breakdown of his self maintenance routine had reduced him from a well put together, stylized man to what could be confused to be a spice addict. All he'd need were visible scratch marks on his neck and bloodshot eyes, and Alex would be perfectly justified in administering a drug test.

Ofcourse, she was perfectly justified in doing anything short of killing the man.

The doors would open, and he would walk through. A thin, unkempt beard stretched across his face, dark circles underneath those usually wide open, aquamarine eyes. What aged him more than anything else though was the expression he wore; that of a frown, droopy eyes, and pressed brows. His face was drowned in an emotion that most would never get a chance to see from him: regret. As he looked first at the grandmaster, he gave a quick nod. Than, he turned to Ephiny.

He opened his mouth to speak, but the man choked on his words, before shutting his trap and looking away. He could barely bring himself to look at Ephiny; attempting to speak would break whatever was left of him. So, he turned back to Alex. The woman who'd put her faith in him. Him, an unwashed, lightsaber wielding force user that casually choked out people who got in his way, clad in an outfit blacker than a Sith's heart.

"...Master Voran." He muttered, struggling to maintain eye contact with her, turning his attention to a particular spot on the floor as he spoke. "...how should I... begin?"

​

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@Valen Pelora @LouJoVi @Mr. Teatime

 

[Reinhart Grimm]

As was usually the case, Reinhart was well put together when he walked into the Jedi Council chambers. Beard precisely trimmed, standing straight-backed and calm in his well-maintained armor. If he were another member of the Order his preference for plate might be questioned, but where a Knight wore silk, a Paladin donned steel.

And steeled too was his face, as unreadable as ever while gray-brown eyes moved from one person to the next. Alexandria, as serene as Reinhart was stony. Ephiny, a Knight he'd never met but been told was mentor to Laeonas. The boy himself, a boy because despite his age no man in Reinhart's eyes behaved the way he had.

A Paladin would've been caned and thrown out on the spot for such a failure of discipline at his age. For Reinhart, there was no excuse imaginable. His boots took him in front of the Grandmaster, toward whom he respectfully bent waist and head. "Grandmaster Voran, Knight Daivand," he greeted in turn, turning himself to face the door- and Laeonas.

Slipping easily into at ease with his hands behind his back, his eyes settled fully on Laeonas. "Begin by speaking up," Paladin Grimm suggested gruffly, although not loudly or with anger. Falling into such obvious despair at his failure was another bad sign. A man would've owned his mistakes and made amends. Here before them was a boy who'd never grown up, drowned in how his actions affected himself more than others.

Or so Reinhart surmised thus far.

@Valen Pelora @LouJoVi @Tom

 

[Alexandria Voran]

She nodded at Ephiny when the young Knight arrived. The archivist was followed shortly by Laeonas and Reinhart. Alex remained silent as they each arrived. She nodded in turn to Reinhard and Laeonas while they greeted her. Silence hung in the air. This was not what she wanted. The air of impending discipline cut against the environment she tried to foster. Jedi made mistakes and those mistakes could be forgiven.

The Old Order had punished harshly and faced the consequences of that choice. She never wanted to repeat that mistake…but not all mistakes were created equal. After a moment, she leaned forward. Laeonas’ aura in the Force was as disheveled as his physical appearance. Alex shared Reinhart’s concerns. It was one thing to be nervous or worried about this gathering. It was another to act as if something had been done to you.

“Jedi Daivand…you should stand with your student.” Alex could feel her guilt. It was justified. Her eyes shifted to Laeonas. “Begin as Master Grimm suggested…by speaking up.” She kept her face a neutral mask. “I have been told what happened, but I would hear it from you.” Her voice maintained a steady rhythm. She was not condemning him or chastising the Padawan. “No excuses, Laeonas, just the truth.” The Morellian Jedi leaned back in her choice. “Help me understand what happened.” She knew where Reinhart stood on the matter. Frankly, he was probably right. But Alex lead with her heart…with compassion. That would not change now. She prayed Laeonas would remember his training and face accountability for his actions. The self-pity wallowing in the Force was not a step in that direction. Still…Alex had a great deal of respect for Ephiny and she knew the Knight had instilled Laeonas with the right lessons.

@Mr. Teatime @LouJoVi @Tom

 

[Ephiny Daivand]

Didn’t take much time for Laeonas and Master Grimm to arrive. When she saw her Padawan, Ephiny was shocked with his appearance. He was dishelieved and looked so tired. It was as if they were back at the moment that he first woke up after the events on Firrerre.

While she felt sympathy for her Padawan, Ephiny knew that what he did was wrong. A Jedi would never humiliate someone else. It was even worse because he was a 30 years old man doing it with a child. This time she would not be able to defend him. His fate was at the hands of the Masters.

Any punishment that the man receives today was going to be due to her fault. Ephiny had failed as a Master, she had been incapable of teaching him how to be a proper Jedi. In the end, she wasn’t a good teacher. She only hoped that after all that happens today, Laeonas would be capable of forgiving her.

The Archivist remained silent while both Reinhart and Alex talked. Like the Grandmaster, she wanted to know Laeonas’ version of the events. It was important to know the reasons for why it happened , before they could reach any decision. However, she doubted that there could be any justification.

@Valen Pelora @Mr. Teatime @Tom

 

[Laeonas Tannaras]

​

Laeonas had made a point of arriving on time; something he'd never put any effort into in the past. It was a surprise that master Reinhart had arrived later than he had, but bringing that up didn't even occur to him. The two masters would speak, first Reinhart, and than the Grandmaster herself. She was calm; disturbingly calm. Laeonas was used to being screamed at by his superiors, so a level headed, measured response to his failures was more disturbing than expressed anger ever could have.

However, the suggestion that Ephiny should stand with him... it felt wrong. Slowly, he glanced at his teacher; that woman who'd tried her damndest to impress the Jedi teachings into him. Her face was visibly covered in guilt; a sight that the older man immediately turned away from. Feelings of self disgust nearly boiled to the surface as he shut his eyes. But Alex had instructed him to speak; to tell his truth, and "help her understand what happened."

And so, he would.

"...what you heard... probably wasn't wrong." He opened. There was no immediate claim of lies or bias; but an admission that the horrible story that the grandmaster had heard was most definitely accurate. "I arrived at the party a bit late, and I got on the dance floor. I hip checked this guy I'd never seen before... but from my end it felt more like a tap. Didn't realize how bad it was until he mouthed off." He explained. Laeonas' perspective didn't lend him much leeway, but it was a lot less openly antagonistic than the view that he'd nearly knocked a man over, seen that, and done nothing.

"I... I was... I was going to say... something to him. I... don't know what. Maybe offer him a beer, brush him up." He speculated, clarifying his position, but realizing just how off track he was getting. "Than his... his date grabbed me with the force. Before I knew it I was skidding across the floor towards the two of them. She starts demanding I apologize with this... this attitude that just..." he stammered, struggling to put into words just what he'd felt when he looked down at the tiny twi'lek girl demanding he apologize.

"I... I got mad. Really, really mad. I just... I threw out everything I should've done, and I just unleashed this tide of venomous fucking bile. I insulted her... threatened her." He admitted. "I... I don't even know why I did it. She just... she just grabbed me with the force, and I started tearing into her laike some prick wand'rin' rou--" He cut himself off, catching himself a second time. "I... well, her date, the guy I hip checked, smacked me across the face. I kinda just... stood there for a moment..."

The man would trail off, words hanging in the air as his facial expression shifted. His brow furrowed, and his lips, already turned down, curled into a scrunched up frown. "...and than this guy, this... this..." He began, voice trembling as his hand instinctively went up to rub his jaw-- the one Thelian had dislocated a mere week ago. "...this guy, comes out of feckin' nowhere, thinking he's got any business with--" He stopped himself again. Closing his eyes, Laeonas would take a few deep breaths. He couldn't lose his cool; not in front of Reinhart, in front of Alex, in front of Ephiny.

"...he broke... my jaw." He stated, voice still trembling slightly. "So... I got ready to break his." Laeonas declared. There wasn't a hint of regret in his last line, a sense of self-righteousness over his position-- but as he stood there, contemplating further, his expression softened. "...I was angry... fucking furious that he'd struck me. I haven't been that angry in... in..." He trailed off, thinking back to Lothal. To the rage he'd felt, the desire to enact retribution on the Mandalorians after they'd attacked his comrades.

"But... before I could act," He went on, changing the subject, "This girl-- Clove-- she got in the way. She... she handed me a mirror. Told me to leave." The man stated. He wasn't ready to get into how he felt at that moment; how he felt the entire ride home. From how one of them was looking at him, they probably didn't even want to hear it... which he completely understood.

"...I... I don't know what to do over this." He confessed. "I've... done things I'm not proud of. Hurt people, either because I thought I had to, or because it was just convenient. Whenever I think of that though, usually I just... drink, or meditate, or run or lift weights or... anything else." He stated. "Sometimes I've felt like what I do, how I feel-- I feel like it makes sense, that it's right. But I felt that way when I was trashing on a teenage girl-- and than right after I was done, I felt like what I'd done was wrong."

"...I think there's something wrong with me." He finished. It was the wall he'd run into over the past few weeks, again and again and again. "I don't know if it's part of who I am... who I've been... or if there's just something in me that twists me up like this... but people... aren't supposed to feel one way, and than feel completely different a moment later. Jedi aren't supposed to hurt people, and than feel bad for hurting them a moment later." The man stated.

"I should... I should do what... what my teacher taught me." He confessed, finally glancing over at her. "But... but instead of listening to her-- listening to the Jedi's teachings, I... I ignored them. I threw 'em t'tha side and Ai acted laike... laike..." He finished, choking up on his words and allowing his voice-- his real voice-- to bleed through.

"Ai acted laike me."

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@Valen Pelora @LouJoVi @Mr. Teatime

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Alex listened. She asked Laeonas to explain and would not deprive him of that chance. The Morellian Jedi had asked Reinhart to join her for a reason. He witnessed the events and was as honest as they came. She would not invade Laeonas mind…she wanted him to tell the truth of his own accord…but if he wavered from that path Reinhart would correct him. He stood in more harsh judgment than Alex. Still, the flavors of the Force were wrong. She was being told a story but not the entire picture. They were at a crossroads. One she could not fully see. This conversation reminded her entirely too much of another dark haired Padawan failing to see the world from other points of view. They sought absolution from her…forgiveness without growth.

A pause grew before she spoke. “Your Master is a Jedi I deeply admire. She is kind, caring, and thoughtful.” Alex shifted to look at Ephiny. “Qualities I know she sought to instill in you. Qualities I seek to emulate.” Her voice was soft. They would strain to hear her, but room was otherwise silent. She held it that way. “Laeonas they are children. You may hold the same rank, but you are nearly twice their age.” She raised a hand. “Their behavior will be examined just as yours is…they are not adults.” Alex leaned forward in her chair. Her eyes meeting Laeonas.

“You have been one of us not for weeks…not for months…but far longer. We are a Jedi and a grown man.” She kept the sharp edge from her voice. Alex was kind…she was compassionate…she had her limits. “I do not understand wallowing in self-pity...let me tell you why.” Her mental walls lowered so that there would be no mistake of her truth. “My parents were spice addicts. I was born in the slums of Corellia. My first two decades of life were spent much like yours. I stole, I starved, I hurt people, I was hurt. I lived one day to the next just trying to survive…little more than a rabid animal.” The Force hummed with the truth of her words. “A Jedi found me, much like we found you, and he gave me the chance to change my life. The chance to be better...and I took it. Was it easy? No. Did a part of me believe I was broken beyond repair...a dark soul? Of course. But I realized the chance that I had been given and chance to change. We gave you that same choice. A roof over your head, people who care about you. A chance to be better…where has that left us Laeonas?” Alex voice was iron. “Are you the only Jedi with a troubled past? The only Jedi who has suffered? No. So, I’ll ask again. Help me understand.” Alex leaned back and put steepled her fingers.

@Tom @LouJoVi @Mr. Teatime

 

[Ephiny Daivand]

Ephiny didn’t dare to interrupt Laeonas while he spoke. She could feel his frustration and anger, this made her disappointment increase. The Archivist had thought that she had taught him to control such feelings, but she was wrong. This made her doubt her abilities as a professor and Master.

While her Padawan continued talking, Ephiny could feel that he regretted what he did. However, the Archivist knew that it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t stay the rest of his life doing terrible things and then regretting after the damage was done. Laeonas needed to learn to never do it again.

Then, Master Voran started to talk. In normal circumstances, Ephiny would have blushed for hearing the Grandmaster praising her, but this time she could only feel that it was wrong. There was nothing on her to be admired, she had failed on her mission to help the Brentaalan.

“It’s my fault, Mater. I wasn’t a good teacher for him.” Ephiny said, her eyes never leaving Laeonas. “I failed in my mission. I wasn’t able to help you, Padawan. I’m so sorry.” the Archivist hoped that he would be able to forgive her.

@Valen Pelora @Tom @Mr. Teatime

 

[Laeonas Tannaras]

​

Alex opened her response with praise-- for Ephiny, for who she was as a person-- and for what she'd tried to be for him. The man stood in silence as she continued on-- reminding Laeonas that those he'd come into conflict with were far younger. It was a point that hit harder than most she could've brought up; the reminder that he'd stooped so low and gotten so worked up over people who probably couldn't legally fly a speeder in most civilized systems was a humiliating one.

But... on the other hand...

No. No, he wouldn't start arguing with the grandmaster. Not over such small points. It didn't matter if they'd been brought in younger, it didn't matter if he'd seen a world burn, felt it's people die, and relived that same hell every time he slipped into unconsciousness. He could've endured every crime, abuse, and humiliation the galaxy could offer-- it wouldn't change the fact that what he'd done was wrong. Suffering didn't absolve someone of sin; the Sith he'd left to die on Mataou had probably suffered greatly through her life, but that hadn't given her the right to skin the poor sod who'd become her saber grip.

And so, Laeonas didn't speak up. He listened as the grandmaster opened up on her own background. He could feel the currents of emotion in the force, radiating off her to confirm that every spoken word was part of the truth-- that the grandmaster of the Jedi order...had been street scum.

Slowly, that blank expression he'd worn as he took in the Grandmaster's words cracked. His mouth opened slowly, the two missing teeth that Thelian had forced from his mouth visible for the room to see. "...you?" He muttered, barely even speaking the word as his lips moved. He tried his best to imagine the woman in his own shoes; beckoning for some ragged sod to come over and buy her deathsticks, choking someone out with the force before kneeing them in the groin, smashing a debtor's fingers with a brick to get them to hand over their credits.

It was almost to absurd to picture, and yet the utter truth and conviction in her words made them feel real.

"...you're being serious." He repeated aloud, wracking his hair as he stood before the councilor. "You... you went from scum to... to being... to being you." He continued, verbalizing what he'd already realized-- that in spite of everything, people like him could be better. He'd known that for so long, because it had been true for him. He'd chosen to come this far-- to join the Jedi, and to try and be better.

...no. Try wasn't part of his vocabulary. He either did, or he didn't.

"...waste no more time arguin' what a good man should be. Be one." he muttered aloud. It was a quote he'd read in one of the books Ephiny had forced him to read-- one about his own world's history, and some of the philosophers and rulers of the noble families that were now long dead. The name was lost to him, but the words had hidden in the back of his mind.

That was when he finally turned to Ephiny-- finally looked her in the eye, after avoiding it for as long as he had. "...you didn't fail me. I failed you." He declared. "You taught me how I could be a better man. Taught me to be a Jedi. I was the one who chose to listen or not to-- I was the one who chose to listen to your teachings, and chose to ignore them." He consoled her, just as he admitted flat out what he had done.

"...and for awhile, whenever I had to make a choice, I'd choose moreoften than not to listen to you. I chose to learn, I chose to train, I chose to be better. Until I didn't." He declared. "I chose to hurt people, because they'd tried to make me see what I'd done. Tried to make me feel like I owed it to them to be better." He went on, lips quivering. His voice was hoarse, like he was forcing every word out. "...It hurts so much." he whispered. "Whenever I hurt people... whenever Ai did 'em wrong... it always hurt ta look and see."

"...you know 'ow it feels, don'tcha?" He'd ask, turning back to the grandmaster. "When ya 'urt people... didn't it 'urt? When ya felt bad ya just wanted ta turn away, fly away..." He went on, trailing off. "...it's all Ai've ever wanted. Ai just wanted ta not 'ave ta deal with tha shite of tha world-- Ai just wanted ta live in some palace, with everyone Ai laike, and no matter what Ai'd do it wouldn't matter-- cus no matter 'ow many times Ai chose ta stop 'urtin' people, things never got any better." He declared.

"...but Ai know th'at th'at'd be wrong. Ai know, cause whenever Ai didn't feel bad-- whenever Ai 'urt people and didn't care..." He'd mutter, not delving into it further. They'd all experienced the dark side at some point in their lives; it was their nature, and he didn't need to explain. "...it must be so easy fer them. Ta 'urt, and 'urt more, and go on 'urtin' everyone without carin'." He declared. "It's so much easier ta just ignore it all... ta be worse." He went on. The man didn't say who it was that he was referring to, because in truth, he wasn't talking about any one group. The Sith, the rulers of his homeworld-- everyone in the galaxy that had chosen to stop caring, at any point in their lives.

Everyone.

It... hadn't been entirely coherent. Not only because he was an emotional wreck at the moment (at all times, really), but also because his accent had become thicker than it ever had been, all while the man had started crying. His thoughts, along with his words, were a jumbled up mess-- because he'd never, ever gotten this far in his life. He'd never acknowledged his faults like this, never looked in the mirror long enough to realize that the man staring back wasn't beautiful, wasn't the rightful son of a lord, wasn't "Laeonas fucking Tannaras." He wasn't even a boy that had never grown up-- he was just a man. A man that had chosen, over and over, whether as the product of circumstance or of his own will, to hurt the world around him.

"...I still want to be better." He declared, after a long silence. "I want to still get to choose, and I want to choose to be more than what I am." He declared. "I can't promise that I'll never hurt people again. I can't promise that I won't make the wrong choice, that there won't be times where I just won't care..." He stopped, trailing off. "...but I want to care. But more than just feeling bad or saying sorry... I want to care enough to make their lives better." He said. "...I want to feel the same-- no, I want to feel more than what I felt when I wanted to make my own life better. I've never cared that much, but I want to."

​

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@Valen Pelora @LouJoVi @Mr. Teatime

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Words poured from Laeonas. Privately, Alex would speak with Ephiny. She shouldered some of the weight, but it would do no good to dwell further. Their focus now should be on the task at hand. Her mind was uncertain as the Padawan spoke. She had seen something in him when they welcomed him into the Order. A chance to break from a cycle. Laeonas had changed. He was not the brute they had found, nor had he become the Jedi she hoped. There were no easy answers in these Chambers...only difficult decisions. “I am serious.” The gravity clear in her voice. “There is no easy path to change but I am proof it can be done…and I am still learning.” She shrugged. “Do you think I am a perfect Jedi? I’m not. I’ve failed plenty and on the galactic stage. Our journey never ends for it is the journey that matters.” Alex’s eyes flicked back to Ephiny.

“You did not fail, Ephiny. I did. He was not ready when you and I found him.” She shook her head slowly again. “I should have taken greater care after Firrerre.” Laeonas was piecing himself back together. She could see the change occur. “I still believe your path is with us Laeonas…but you are not ready.” The Force nudged her forward. “If you want to be better…if you want to change…prove it.” She looked down then up. “But it will not be here.”

She raised a hand for a moment. “This is not the end but a beginning. The true beginning of your journey.” Alex took a deep breath. “You did a terrible thing, one I cannot allow to go unpunished. You showed a lack of control and respect for your fellow Padawans…but you have also shown remorse, understanding, and for the first time a true desire to change.” Another slow breath. “I have not given up on you Laeonas but you must find your path outside the Order. Only then can you return to us. Become a better man…become the man you can be…and then find us again. Should you need me, I will be there.” Alex looked at them both again. She had one last task to perform. The least envious of them all.

@Tom @LouJoVi

 

[Laeonas Tannaras]

​

Alex's reply neither confirmed or denied anything he'd said-- but it did deny what he thought. Before him stood a woman who exemplified everything the order was supposed to exemplify; she was knowledgeable, her passions came second to the serenity she tried to maintain. At least, in his mind, that was the image of her he'd constructed. An image to live up to and constantly compare himself to. If he was a stone, she was a statue, and he would work to mold himself in her image.

But she wasn't without flaws; nobody was. On their first meeting, would a truly perfect Jedi, who allowed knowledge and wisdom to govern their actions, have acted so aggressively upon seeing him? For the longest time the answer in his mind had been yes; Alex was grandmaster, and thus whatever she did had to be what a perfect Jedi would do. In truth, he simply couldn't know what a perfect Jedi would do-- because no such person existed, or ever could. Alex had made a choice-- they all had, and now those choices had brought them to this point.

The man had spent his whole life comparing himself to the giants around him. To the statues of ancestors who bore his name and likeness; men and women with those same bright blues and snow white pales. There were no choices to be made in the world that he grew up on-- none that changed the world around him. If he stole, he starved. If he worked, he starved. If he broke the law he was beaten, and if he followed the law he was still beaten. That was the man who had joined the Jedi; one who'd grown up believing that his actions had no meaning, that the consequences didn't matter.

And when they did? When he got someone killed, when he took life, when people screamed as he peeled off their fingernails or smashed in their kneecaps-- he looked away.

The grandmaster said many things; all true. The man that she had brought to Yavin-- that man whose choices had never once mattered, who turned away from his responsibilities-- was not fit to be a Jedi. He hadn't stopped being that man; the recognition of the kind of person he was, and the desire to not be that, didn't make him such. Action had to back up motivation. That was why, when she gave her verdict, he wasn't surprised.

But it still hurt.

"...I understand, Master." He answered, nodding his head. Despite the ruminations taking place within his mind, he didn't have much left to say. He'd said a lot already, and really, most of what he could say would just be repetition. "I'll make sure that the next time we meet, you'll have more reasons to be proud of my actions than you'll have to be disappointed in them." He declared. It was a promise that didn't lay out any specifics, no concrete standards. There would be times when he'd trip and fall; when his emotions would get the better of him, where he'd lash out, and hurt those least deserving. But rather than fall back down again, he'd do what he was meant to-- stand up, and keep moving forward.

His eyes trailed over to his teacher-- his master-- for a final time. "...thank you... fer 'elpin' me." He said, choking up on the last words. In their entire time together, he'd said "Thank you" to the woman once, maybe twice. Gratitude was something he rarely felt, and even more rarely expressed. But for Ephiny, for the woman who had worked for two years to help make him a better man-- he was more grateful for her help than he was for being born.

So, Laeonas bowed his head a final time, turned on his heels, and walked out. It would take about an hour to collect his things, another to get everything finalized, and another for him to load his ship... and another for him to finally take it into the air and launch into hyperspace.

He didn't know if he'd ever return to the Jedi. He didn't know if he'd ever return to Yavin, or further, why he'd be returning. But it would be up to him. He would never stop moving forward. He'd continue to study the force, continue to fight those that needed to be fought. All he could choose to do was continue on, and continue to do what he thought was right.

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@Valen Pelora @LouJoVi

 

[Alexandria Voran]

Alex nodded as Laeonas turned to leave. “May the Force be with you.” The door closed and she was left alone with Ephiny. Her mental walls remained locked tight. She flicked her eyes left and right. The empty seats around her painfully obvious. Alone. With some effort Alex returned her gaze to Ephiny. “Go see one of the Justiciars…the counseling clinic has an open-door policy.” Her voice was soft as she spoke. “We will both learn from this, and he will find his way to us again.” She stood slowly from her chair. “He won’t walk this path alone.” Alex patted Ephiny on the shoulder as she walked past. “Stay as long as you need but go downstairs after.” No one Jedi should face this challenge alone. Alex smiled, nodded, and headed for the lift.

She pressed the button to take her below. The doors closed, the lift moved, and Alex hammered her finger into the stop. The Force burst out from her to shunt the electricity in the lift. The Grandmaster sunk to her knees. Her head falling into her hands. Another one lost. A man she had failed. It was never meant to be this way. Never what she intended. Alone. The word buzzed in her mind again. Who could she trust? Who could she confine in? No one. She walked this path alone. A foolish thought from the figure meant to lead the Jedi Order…but her thought, nonetheless.

Alex took a deep breath and pulled herself together. The Force retreated and she flicked the emergency stop. When the lift slid to a halt her face was a careful mask. Grandmaster Voran exited the lift, leaving her broken pieces behind.

@LouJoVi @Tom