Better, actually, although you missed a letter one time lol. The issue on that post was the pacing, attributed by the misuse of the comma. Commas are used to separate lists of things and to give a sense of speech and pacing, for example:
Star Wars RolePlay
Khivas
Khivas
Quick, Let's eat Grandma!
vs
Quick, Let's eat, Grandma!
Big difference there lol In your case, it was more like...
vs
Quick, Let's eat, Grandma!
Big difference there lol In your case, it was more like...